April 18th

It's hard to believe it's been a year since we lost Matty. Today has been easier than I imagined but I have had several moments already today where I have felt extremely overwhelmed. I think my emotions are everywhere today and I am just trying to figure out how I am "suppose" to feel. The boys and I went out to the cemetery this afternoon and spent well over an hour out there. On Monday night we order live butterflies from a place in Florida and they arrived yesterday afternoon. We ordered twelve butterflies to represent the twelve months that Matty has been gone. To our surprise though, we ended up with thirty-six butterflies!

Shannon, Samuel and I put a lot of thought into making this day special. We planted a beautiful flower, released a balloon and released thirty six butterflies!

Here are a few images of us remembering our sweet angel baby Matty today...

 

We love you Matty and miss you very much. 4.18.12

Matty's Story Here

I Never Imagined..

A year ago today we were given the terrible news that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I will never forgot that night and I will never forgot the instant pain and sadness I felt when we realized our baby was gone. Not a day goes by that I don't think our baby, nor has a day gone by that I haven't thought about the "what ifs". Samuel should of been a big brother right now and we should have a 5 month old baby.

I never imagined that I would be the 1 in 4..I never imagined I would go on to have two additional losses with no real explanation.There are so many things about that day and especially that night that will stick with me for the rest of my life. This image of my lifeless baby will forever be engrained in my mind.

What an Awful Day...

It has been an awful AWFUL day...

It's hard to believe we are already three days into April. We are quickly approaching the one year mark of losing Matty...

It has been one of the hardest years of my life.

I have felt so lonely today and feel like I am the only one who is suffering right now.. I wish I could avoid the next two weeks by hiding in my room with the door closed until April 18th comes and goes...I was up late last night replaying the night I found out we lost Matty in my mind and seeing the moment I actually lost Matty replay over and over. That day and everything that happened will forever be etched into my mind. Sometimes I just wish I could erase it and move on with my life. We made a life changing decision last week and felt we were finally at an "okay" point in our lives. As soon as April 1st hit...my emotions have gotten the better of me.

I have been trying to find distractions and have talked to Shannon about planning something special to do that day to make it more bearable and less painful.  We have failed miserably so far. I think Shannon is hurting too but has yet tell me that he is. He has been distant and everything I say or do is "wrong". Are we going to get through this? We have always grieved so differently. Sometimes I wish we grieved the same so we could understand each other better.


Worn-Tenth Avenue North

I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though, I’m worn
Yeah, I’m worn