Anxiety

Have you ever experienced that intense, sudden feeling of panic? That is sometimes SO intense that you feel like something is seriously wrong? Possibly to the point that you feel like your dying or something is wrong with your health (even though you know everything is okay)??

At points the intensity increases so much that it can become difficult to breath or even function...or sleep. It's quite possibly one of the worse feelings you'll experience. It's awful and I would never ever wish it on anyone.

I've been doing alright as far as anxiety goes the past couple weeks but out of the blue last night it hit me. I wasn't really thinking about anything so I am not sure what exactly triggered it. It may of been a television show I was watching but I could not tell you for sure if that was the actual cause. Thankfully Shannon was in tune to me last night and was there for me the entire night. I really do not know what I would do without him. He has been there through so much and continues to be there.

I had my "first panic attack over four years ago. Like the one last night, it came somewhat out of the blue. I had been struggling with some mild depression so I am sure it stemmed from that too but I remember just lying in bed and then it just struck me. I had no idea what was happening and I seriously thought something physically was wrong with me. Luckily I have come a long way since my very first attack and I am able to handle them a lot better than I did that night.

Around the time I got pregnant with Samuel in 2010, I completely stopped having them and continued through my pregnancy with no issues. Both Shannon and I were concerned that they would possibly return once winter hit and I had a newborn but thankfully, they stayed away. However, since I lost Matty, they have returned but have come and gone with each loss.

When I started this blog in April, I started it mainly to deal with some of the emotions I was dealing with but also to help cope with the anxiety. I didn't want to allow it to take over my life. I wanted to deal with it on my own and as naturally as possible. I do feel it has helped me tremendously and when I really think about things, I am doing way better than I would be doing four years ago. I'm handling it. Maybe some days are harder than others but I have not let it completely take over. I am trying to be as proactive as I can and constantly trying to find new ways to cope that are healthy and effective. Just some days are exhausting and I let the anxiety get the better end of me.

I truly feel working through my grief and the anxiety that comes with it, will only make me stronger and able to get through things better. In the past I took medicine but I don't think it ever really helped me overcome it. It mostly covered up how I felt. I need to start working through some of my past, in order to heal and move forward. I feel the anxiety will continue to come back until I do.

Shannon and I had a hard time when I first struggled with anxiety because he didn't understand it and honestly he didn't believe it was an actual condition. After losing Matty and then suffering two more losses in eight month period, he now understands what it feels like. He knows how debilitating it can be and really struggled with it after our second loss. It never got severe but it was enough that he was able to recognize what he was feeling was real and what I had been feeling all along was real.

I feel I will overcome this but will need encouragement and continued support along the way. I am planning to try some different approaches this week to see if that will help. I also think digging deep within myself may help find the true causes of how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I know losing my dad at 19 has a lot to do with it and I know my childhood has affected me more than I would like to admit some days.

Thankful every. single. day. that I have Shannon and my little boy.

Focused

Ten days into the new year and..I am FOCUSED.

We have a plan and it's been set in motion. 


It's nearly impossible not to think about trying again but I know it's best to wait. 

I am week 1 into a "Biggest Loser" competition I started with a friend. It's a total of 12 weeks to see who can lose the most weight (by percentage). I think I have gotten off to a good start so far but feel I am not as motivated as I should be. Hoping that changes soon. I would love to win but I would love to lose this extra weight more. Shannon was planning to graduate from school in May but had decided to wait a few weeks ago. We talked a lot today and decided we could manage him taking the last of his classes and working full time. This is what is going to make him feel better. He needs this and I will be there to fully support him as he tackles the rest of his courses. Even though it's taken a few years, I am so incredibly proud of him for working full time, being a father, providing for us and going to school. He's an amazing man and I am so lucky he's mine.

I feel between school, him working full time, family life and me working on myself, this will be enough to keep us distracted and focused on other things. We also decided to pursue foster care but can't start that for a few more months.

I received the last of my test results back the other day. Everything has come back normal. This included progesterone levels, hormone levels (LH, FSH, testosterone, estrogen) and all my genetic testing. While this is good news in a sense, it leaves us still wondering "will we ever find an answer?" There are a couple other invasive test that can be performed but after that, that's it. The next test I know of, is referred to as an HSG. I plan to have this done but probably not now. It quite frankly SUCKS that we may never find an answer.

I've been thinking a lot about Matty lately and want to do something special for the year anniversary..thinking about a butterfly release. Will keep updated on what I decide though

Hoping everyone's year has started off well.




Here's a few photos I took yesterday...enjoy!

New Year, New Hopes

Thankful for a new year and a chance to start fresh. Even though 2012 brought a lot of pain to our family, we are remaining optimistic that this year will bring good things, whatever they may be.

Shannon and I have officially decided to put trying for a second baby on hold until we both feel physically and emotionally ready to try again. It was a difficult decision because we so badly want a second child but we know that for whatever reason, God is telling us to wait. I do feel a since of peace about waiting now, even though my irrational side of me says "just keeping trying, even if it's painful!" I have decided to set ten new hopes and goals for this year. More specifically for the next six months. I don't do to well will long term goals.

My first goal for the year is to finally lose enough weight to be at a "healthy weight". I lost a lot of weight last summer and thankfully, it has all stayed off. However, I still fall in the "overweight" category. I need to lose this weight to be healthy for my son and to be healthier for future possible pregnancies. I have about 35 pounds total to lose to be at a healthy weight. I also want to lose weight for myself because I know it will give me the self worth that I need. I have total confidence that I can do this.

My second hope for the new year is to focus on my relationship with my husband. He is truly my rock. He gives me everything I need and want and MORE. My focus last year was more on Samuel and trying to have a second baby and I know our relationship suffered some. I want to do more for him this year to show my love and appreciation for him. I want to be a better wife and friend. My hope is that our love for each other grows stronger and that we are able to laugh and have fun again. We have realized in the last couple days that we have lost sight of some things and definitely want to renew that.

My third hope is to be the best possible mother to Samuel

Fourth To be more hopeful and optimistic, even when things look gloomy.

Fifth To go back to church. God has and always will be apart of my life but I feel being around others who believe what I do, will help me on my journey.

Sixth To surround myself with positive people and to hopefully build on current friendships and create new ones.

Seventh Build on relationships with family

Eighth Find a way to help others who have gone through what we have

Ninth  Find a new hobby or activity (aside from being a fully time mommy).

Tenth Don't give up, no matter what.


Praying and hoping for a healthy and happy new year.

Don't Give Up

I was on my way to pick Shannon up from work this evening and a song called "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory came on the radio. I had heard it before but it never stuck out the way it did tonight. Wanted to share it with you guys.

Don't Give Up -Calling Glory

What's Next?

Shannon and I have been talking a lot over the last several days. We are trying to decide, what's next? In the medical world, two pregnancy losses is usually deemed as "bad luck" but once you hit three losses, it is taken more seriously. I was referred to a Fertility Specialist out of the area and will be meeting with him in a little less than three weeks. I had a panel of blood test done in November but all those test came back normal. Those test were specifically looking for clotting disorders and various other disorders. This past Friday I went ahead and had genetic testing done on me. If anything comes back "abnormal" then Shannon will be tested as well. If all that comes back normal, the specialist will likely want to run some other test. My OB told me last week that sometimes an answer is never found so we needed to prepare ourselves for that. I feel like there is a reason for all this but hate the thought of never knowing why this has happened three times now and may or may not continue to happen.

In previous post I have briefly mentioned that it took us awhile to conceive my son. For whatever reason it just took my body a few years to get its self "leveled" out hormonally wise so we are thinking something hormonally may be off again. I had my Progesterone levels check for the last two pregnancies and my levels were fine. I was put on Progesterone Suppositories for this most recent pregnancy as a "buffer" and was suppose to start Lovenox shots once a day had the pregnancy been viable. I am not sure if that's something we will do again if I get pregnant again.

Now the question of the day...when to try again? Should we wait until we do EVERY single test possible and then try again? What if everything comes back "normal"? Then what? Probability is still in our favor of having a healthy pregnancy either way but is it irresponsible to try again so soon after having three consecutive miscarriages?? The topic of adoption even came up last night. Both Shannon and I decided LOOOONG ago that we would adopt someday. We wanted to whether we had biological kids or not. It's just something we desired to do. Maybe it's that time? Maybe we start that process and see what happens otherwise with my fertility. We have even considered foster care but we were told that it's not recommended to have a child older than Samuel and it's very uncommon to get a child younger than two. I know it's important to be patient but we are ready to add to our family now.

I have a feeling that's one lesson God is trying to teach me here. Patience. But wasn't I patient for Samuel? We waited so long for him. It was so hard going cycle after cycle after cycle...not being pregnant. Watching everyone else around me be able to get pregnant with ease and carry their babies to term without complications. I will be forever grateful for the gift God gave us when he gave us Samuel. He is our whole world. He truly is our MIRACLE baby. I always said I would be happy with just one child...God just give me one child and I'll be happy. But why do I have this great desire now to have more? To have a big family? To give Samuel a baby sister or a baby brother? I try so hard but it won't go away. Even for Shannon who is hurting, he still wants it just as much.

I wish God would give me a sign. Tell me what to do. I know I could look at my miscarriages as a "sign" that it means it's time to quit. But I don't believe that because I see mother's everyday go through this and go on to have their healthy baby. Some women have 5+ miscarriages before they do. God what is the reasoning behind pregnancy loss? Especially recurrent pregnancy loss.

I am only a few days into this loss and all I can think about is trying again. I usually don't have this desire to TRY again until about three or so months later. About three months after we lost Matty, it hit me and three months after we lost the baby in September, it hit me again. I struggled a lot with anxiety after the loss in September. I was afraid of everything. Thankfully I didn't allow it to get out of control and through support of my family, I was able to get a hold of it without medicine. Yes, I still struggle some days but nothing like it was for those few weeks. The one thing most people don't realize about pregnancy loss, is that the innocence of pregnancy is GONE. You worry about each new pregnancy constantly. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. You never really get to relax and never get to enjoy being pregnant.

Hopefully over the course of the next several weeks we get some answers or at least able to make a decision that we feel is best for our family. Our hope is not to go through more losses but we know that it's a possibility. Praying and hoping for another MIRACLE baby <3

Courage & Strength

It's hard to believe January will be a year since we started trying to have another baby. We never imagined the heartbreak we would have to endure nor did foresee losing three babies in an eight month period. Each pregnancy was a new life and a new hope. It was quickly shattered by yet another loss. Here we are at the beginning of our third loss, our third miscarriage, our third hope for a new baby...broken, lost and confused. Will our dream of having a second child together come true? Do we give up or do we not surrender until we have that baby? We are at a crossroads that we never expected to be at. Is God telling us something? How do we turn all the bad we have gone through this past year into something good?

I'm not willing to give up, even though everything is telling me that I should. I will not be defeated by this.

I remember looking at Shannon in September and telling him "I cannot go through this again, we are done. Do not let me convince you otherwise." I remember feeling so numb and feeling so sick. Here I am a week after I realized I was pregnant again and two days after I started miscarrying. I don't feel that way anymore. More than anything in the world I want our Rainbow baby. It scares me to death to think we may have to endure more losses before we will but I feel in my heart that with God's help and with courage and strength, we will achieve our dreams.

We have a long journey ahead of us. I haven't been really public about my loss in September or this loss now but feel that if I share our journey, that it may help someone else. I don't want others to feel like they are alone in this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through but I know it will make me stronger. It will make me a better wife and a better mother.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
--Thomas A. Edison

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

A little history on how this day got started. In the late 1980's President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It wasn't until 2002 that the movement begin to designate a specific day to remember all those lost.

On this day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m., in all times zones, all around the world, to remember all the babies lost. The idea is that there will be a continuous wave of light all around the world on this day.

A few days ago I found a beautiful handmade candle holder at one of my favorite local shops, Ten Thousand Villages. I had planned to participate in Wave of Light but did not think once about using this new holder for it. I am so thankful I got it because it was perfect!

Always remembering my angel babies

4.18.12 & 09.06.12