I Never Imagined..

A year ago today we were given the terrible news that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I will never forgot that night and I will never forgot the instant pain and sadness I felt when we realized our baby was gone. Not a day goes by that I don't think our baby, nor has a day gone by that I haven't thought about the "what ifs". Samuel should of been a big brother right now and we should have a 5 month old baby.

I never imagined that I would be the 1 in 4..I never imagined I would go on to have two additional losses with no real explanation.There are so many things about that day and especially that night that will stick with me for the rest of my life. This image of my lifeless baby will forever be engrained in my mind.

What an Awful Day...

It has been an awful AWFUL day...

It's hard to believe we are already three days into April. We are quickly approaching the one year mark of losing Matty...

It has been one of the hardest years of my life.

I have felt so lonely today and feel like I am the only one who is suffering right now.. I wish I could avoid the next two weeks by hiding in my room with the door closed until April 18th comes and goes...I was up late last night replaying the night I found out we lost Matty in my mind and seeing the moment I actually lost Matty replay over and over. That day and everything that happened will forever be etched into my mind. Sometimes I just wish I could erase it and move on with my life. We made a life changing decision last week and felt we were finally at an "okay" point in our lives. As soon as April 1st hit...my emotions have gotten the better of me.

I have been trying to find distractions and have talked to Shannon about planning something special to do that day to make it more bearable and less painful.  We have failed miserably so far. I think Shannon is hurting too but has yet tell me that he is. He has been distant and everything I say or do is "wrong". Are we going to get through this? We have always grieved so differently. Sometimes I wish we grieved the same so we could understand each other better.


Worn-Tenth Avenue North

I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though, I’m worn
Yeah, I’m worn

Three Years Ago Today...

.......February 23rd, 2010.


I had been feeling ill the days leading up to that Tuesday evening but pushed it off as getting sick again. For the entire month of January and some of December, both Shannon and I had been sick. I had a really bad sinus infection in January and I was positive that it was returning. I called my doctor early that morning to set up an appointment because the day before I got really sick after eating. There wasn't anything available until later that evening. Shannon went with me that evening (which was fairly common) and my doctor went through the usual questions. Based on what I had told him, he didn't feel I was sick with the same thing again. He randomly asked "When was the first day of your last period?" I told him it was the beginning of December. I also told him that I had very irregular periods and I had been feeling "crampy" on and off for the past couple weeks and was for sure I would start soon.

He asked if I could be pregnant and I immediately told him NO. He checked a few more things and then insisted on doing a pregnancy test before doing any blood work. I actually started to get mad. Shannon and I had been trying for several years at this point to have a baby and I knew (or so I thought) that it was impossible to be pregnant due to fertility issues. I peed in a cup and returned back to the room with Shannon. At this point I was so upset. It was frustrating peeing in a cup or on a stick so many times and it always being NEGATIVE...It really starts to mess with you physcologically.

Shannon and I got married in November 2006 and "officially" started trying for a baby in April 2007. Due to irregularities with my cycle, we had no luck getting pregnant on our own (as far as we know). I even went through three rounds of fertility in 2008/2009 to try to help things along. In the summer of 2009 both Shannon and I decided to take an "indefinite" break from trying. It was a constant stress in our lives and we needed a long term break from it. We both took on the challenge of going back to school full time in August 2009. We stopped "actively" trying and started to explore the idea of adopting. Even though the idea of adoption was on our minds, we were still very much focused on school.

Fast forward back to February 23rd...I remember telling Shannon how hard everything was on me and that I hated having to do pregnancy test at doctor appointments. It was like a blow to the stomach every time I had to do a test and it came back negative. I hated that each doctor would suspect that and give me this "false sense of hope" each time.

I'll never forget the look on my doctors face when he walked back into the room. He had the hugest grin on his face and said "I guess you were wrong". At first, I thought he was just joking and almost poking fun at me. But at some point I realized he was being serious and that's when both Shannon and I looked at each other in disbelief. Was this really possible? Was I really PREGNANT?! Tears instantly streamed down our faces. We couldn't believe it. I'll never forget how happy we were and at the same time, how scared we were. It was one of the happiest moments of our lives.

Today my sweet boy is 28 months old and is the light of our lives. He brings us joy every. single. day. He brought happiness back into our lives after so much heartache and has been the light through some very dark days this past year. I will never forget the day that I found out that he was growing inside of me. I will never forget they day that I found out I was finally going to be a Mommy. And I will never forget seeing his tiny heart beating the very next day. He is truly our MIRACLE baby and our gift from God.

I love you with all my heart Samuel...

Anxiety

Have you ever experienced that intense, sudden feeling of panic? That is sometimes SO intense that you feel like something is seriously wrong? Possibly to the point that you feel like your dying or something is wrong with your health (even though you know everything is okay)??

At points the intensity increases so much that it can become difficult to breath or even function...or sleep. It's quite possibly one of the worse feelings you'll experience. It's awful and I would never ever wish it on anyone.

I've been doing alright as far as anxiety goes the past couple weeks but out of the blue last night it hit me. I wasn't really thinking about anything so I am not sure what exactly triggered it. It may of been a television show I was watching but I could not tell you for sure if that was the actual cause. Thankfully Shannon was in tune to me last night and was there for me the entire night. I really do not know what I would do without him. He has been there through so much and continues to be there.

I had my "first panic attack over four years ago. Like the one last night, it came somewhat out of the blue. I had been struggling with some mild depression so I am sure it stemmed from that too but I remember just lying in bed and then it just struck me. I had no idea what was happening and I seriously thought something physically was wrong with me. Luckily I have come a long way since my very first attack and I am able to handle them a lot better than I did that night.

Around the time I got pregnant with Samuel in 2010, I completely stopped having them and continued through my pregnancy with no issues. Both Shannon and I were concerned that they would possibly return once winter hit and I had a newborn but thankfully, they stayed away. However, since I lost Matty, they have returned but have come and gone with each loss.

When I started this blog in April, I started it mainly to deal with some of the emotions I was dealing with but also to help cope with the anxiety. I didn't want to allow it to take over my life. I wanted to deal with it on my own and as naturally as possible. I do feel it has helped me tremendously and when I really think about things, I am doing way better than I would be doing four years ago. I'm handling it. Maybe some days are harder than others but I have not let it completely take over. I am trying to be as proactive as I can and constantly trying to find new ways to cope that are healthy and effective. Just some days are exhausting and I let the anxiety get the better end of me.

I truly feel working through my grief and the anxiety that comes with it, will only make me stronger and able to get through things better. In the past I took medicine but I don't think it ever really helped me overcome it. It mostly covered up how I felt. I need to start working through some of my past, in order to heal and move forward. I feel the anxiety will continue to come back until I do.

Shannon and I had a hard time when I first struggled with anxiety because he didn't understand it and honestly he didn't believe it was an actual condition. After losing Matty and then suffering two more losses in eight month period, he now understands what it feels like. He knows how debilitating it can be and really struggled with it after our second loss. It never got severe but it was enough that he was able to recognize what he was feeling was real and what I had been feeling all along was real.

I feel I will overcome this but will need encouragement and continued support along the way. I am planning to try some different approaches this week to see if that will help. I also think digging deep within myself may help find the true causes of how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I know losing my dad at 19 has a lot to do with it and I know my childhood has affected me more than I would like to admit some days.

Thankful every. single. day. that I have Shannon and my little boy.

Focused

Ten days into the new year and..I am FOCUSED.

We have a plan and it's been set in motion. 


It's nearly impossible not to think about trying again but I know it's best to wait. 

I am week 1 into a "Biggest Loser" competition I started with a friend. It's a total of 12 weeks to see who can lose the most weight (by percentage). I think I have gotten off to a good start so far but feel I am not as motivated as I should be. Hoping that changes soon. I would love to win but I would love to lose this extra weight more. Shannon was planning to graduate from school in May but had decided to wait a few weeks ago. We talked a lot today and decided we could manage him taking the last of his classes and working full time. This is what is going to make him feel better. He needs this and I will be there to fully support him as he tackles the rest of his courses. Even though it's taken a few years, I am so incredibly proud of him for working full time, being a father, providing for us and going to school. He's an amazing man and I am so lucky he's mine.

I feel between school, him working full time, family life and me working on myself, this will be enough to keep us distracted and focused on other things. We also decided to pursue foster care but can't start that for a few more months.

I received the last of my test results back the other day. Everything has come back normal. This included progesterone levels, hormone levels (LH, FSH, testosterone, estrogen) and all my genetic testing. While this is good news in a sense, it leaves us still wondering "will we ever find an answer?" There are a couple other invasive test that can be performed but after that, that's it. The next test I know of, is referred to as an HSG. I plan to have this done but probably not now. It quite frankly SUCKS that we may never find an answer.

I've been thinking a lot about Matty lately and want to do something special for the year anniversary..thinking about a butterfly release. Will keep updated on what I decide though

Hoping everyone's year has started off well.




Here's a few photos I took yesterday...enjoy!

New Year, New Hopes

Thankful for a new year and a chance to start fresh. Even though 2012 brought a lot of pain to our family, we are remaining optimistic that this year will bring good things, whatever they may be.

Shannon and I have officially decided to put trying for a second baby on hold until we both feel physically and emotionally ready to try again. It was a difficult decision because we so badly want a second child but we know that for whatever reason, God is telling us to wait. I do feel a since of peace about waiting now, even though my irrational side of me says "just keeping trying, even if it's painful!" I have decided to set ten new hopes and goals for this year. More specifically for the next six months. I don't do to well will long term goals.

My first goal for the year is to finally lose enough weight to be at a "healthy weight". I lost a lot of weight last summer and thankfully, it has all stayed off. However, I still fall in the "overweight" category. I need to lose this weight to be healthy for my son and to be healthier for future possible pregnancies. I have about 35 pounds total to lose to be at a healthy weight. I also want to lose weight for myself because I know it will give me the self worth that I need. I have total confidence that I can do this.

My second hope for the new year is to focus on my relationship with my husband. He is truly my rock. He gives me everything I need and want and MORE. My focus last year was more on Samuel and trying to have a second baby and I know our relationship suffered some. I want to do more for him this year to show my love and appreciation for him. I want to be a better wife and friend. My hope is that our love for each other grows stronger and that we are able to laugh and have fun again. We have realized in the last couple days that we have lost sight of some things and definitely want to renew that.

My third hope is to be the best possible mother to Samuel

Fourth To be more hopeful and optimistic, even when things look gloomy.

Fifth To go back to church. God has and always will be apart of my life but I feel being around others who believe what I do, will help me on my journey.

Sixth To surround myself with positive people and to hopefully build on current friendships and create new ones.

Seventh Build on relationships with family

Eighth Find a way to help others who have gone through what we have

Ninth  Find a new hobby or activity (aside from being a fully time mommy).

Tenth Don't give up, no matter what.


Praying and hoping for a healthy and happy new year.

Don't Give Up

I was on my way to pick Shannon up from work this evening and a song called "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory came on the radio. I had heard it before but it never stuck out the way it did tonight. Wanted to share it with you guys.

Don't Give Up -Calling Glory