Three Months

It's hard to believe it's been three months already. I was trying to "emotionally" prepare myself for today but I failed miserably. I have been so angry today. Nothing has been right. Before Shannon had to go to work, I was constantly nit picking everything he did or didn't do. I have no idea why. Everything has just been wrong today. I feel so frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. It's almost like I want everyone to feel the hurt I am feeling so I am saying and doing hurtful things.

We started off the day by taking Sam to his first "official" dentist appointment. He did super well and we laughed a lot. He is such a ham and he knows it. I really don't think we could get through the "harder" days without him in our lives. After his appointment we drove out to the cemetery to visit Matty. We are still going every Sunday but we also decided to go every month on the 18th. We probably won't do this forever but will until we feel ready NOT to. It was okay at first but then it got really emotional for us both. It just really hit us....it's been THREE months.

We planted a flower on the one month anniversary and luckily the flower has stayed alive. It's been so dry this summer that I was worried it would completely die. We water it every time we visit. There is usually always one flower but sometimes the most recent flower will be withered when we visit. Today, however, there was one flower that was fully bloomed (same one for the past couple weeks), a second flower that is almost completely bloomed (should be by Sunday) and a THIRD one that is starting to bloom. There has never been THREE blooms on it at one time. I thought it was pretty amazing for there to be three today on the three month anniversary. As Samuel was watering the flowers, we saw a butterfly fluttering around us. It stuck around almost the whole time we were there.

Bloom #2 that should be opening up soon

Bloom #3

Butterfly we saw

Picking flowers for Matty

After the cemetery, we went home so Shannon could get ready for work. We were both hurting so much and in the end, we took it out on each other. I took most of my hurt out on him though. Some days I feel like he doesn't understand. I feel like he isn't going through this with me. I know that it's not true but why do I feel this way some days? I feel like he is "over it" even though I know he is still very much hurting. Why do men and women grieve SO differently? Why do people in general grieve so differently? Should I be "OKAY" by now?

I have gone back and forth on this for weeks but I think I really need to start talking to a neutral person so I don't take out my frustrations, anger, hurt, etc on Shannon. He really is all I have and I don't want to push him away. And he is, whether I want to admit this some days or not, going through this too! We have both been struggling on and off the past three months to figure out "where do we go from here", "who are we now", " how do we move on in our lives".... Losing Matty has forever changed us and we have to be willing to accept that at some point.

Thinking of you A LOT today Matty. It's so hard to think you will never be here with us. And I think until we get past November...that it will continue to be harder for a little while.

I love you Matty.