My Heart is Still Aching

I can't breath. The last few days have been so incredibly hard. This is suppose to be getting easier but some days I find that it's getting harder. I don't understand. I am trying to make it through this...I am trying to survive the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I haven't allowed myself to cry for the last couple weeks. I guess I was trying to be strong but as I began writing..the tears came. I miss my baby. Yesterday was nine weeks since I lost Matty and yesterday I should have been 20 weeks pregnant. Why is life so unfair sometimes?

About a week or so ago I was starting to feel OKAY for the most part but as we approached the 20 week mark, I began experiencing some more frequent anxiety spells. Thankfully nothing too severe or long lasting but enough to make me fearful of certain situations. I had some teeth pulled last Wednesday and I almost had a full blown anxiety attack while they began numbing me. I have no idea what happened. I was just scared but I am not sure what of. I have been in pain before so what was I AFRAID of? Shannon was able to get me calmed down after ten minutes and we were able to finish. I don't know what I would do without Shannon right now. God placed this man in my life and I know he is here to stay, through the good and the bad.

I've made some changes in my life in the past few weeks. I decided to take a break from some distractions in my life, one of them being Facebook. I spent entirely WAY too much time on it and was constantly checking my phone. At the end of May I joined Weight Watchers so I could start working on losing weight that I have been wanting to lose for a long time. My new OB doctor recommended it if I wanted to lose weight. I have lost over 12 pounds already. Shannon has lost 7. Shannon and I are eating meals at home now and not eating out several times a week. We had gotten in such a bad habit of eating out. I have LOVED eating at home the last several weeks with the boys. We've been making fresh, healthy, whole foods for our meals too. Eating tons of fresh fruits and vegetables, which we all LOVE!

I was very skeptical of joining Weight Watchers but I have been very impressed with the concept so far. It's not really a diet. It's a lifestyle change. It's a change you and your whole family must be willing to make, to be healthy. I am active in some way every single day. I have mostly been walking but working up to running. I've already dropped a pant size as well and almost into the next. It's definitely helping me build confidence but on the side I am still hurting.

My mouth is still sore from the teeth I had pulled so it's made it hard to eat much of anything. The first few days after I had them pulled, I wasn't able to be as active so I am thinking that is part of why I am feeling this way. I got out of the "rhythm" of things that I had started.

We looked at grave markers about two weeks ago. It was horrible. Something I never wanted to do. It's overwhelming. The guy we met with was not really helpful and we ultimately could not decide what we wanted 100%. We definitely want a butterfly next to Matty's name but the rest we can't decide. I know a lot of people may find it "weird" or "odd" to have a grave marker but it's just important. We buried our baby and I feel we need to put something there to recognize the baby we lost. It's so important to both Shannon and I. It's such a permanent decision and I feel neither of us were quite ready to make that decision. When we finally do order Matty's marker, it takes approximately a month for them to install it. I really want to make a decision soon because the grass as almost grown completely where we buried Matty.

Our friend Regina, who helped us in finding a spot to bury Matty, sent me a number of a friend who works at a memorial place. I have yet to call her though. It's just stressful and I haven't felt up to doing it yet. Maybe I am just putting it off? I know I would feel better once we did it so I don't know what my problem is....

We have continued to go out to the cemetery every Sunday and go on the month anniversary as well. It's just what we need right now. We take Samuel each time and he helps me water the flower we planted a month ago and we usually take a walk together. He can say "Matty" now and when we leave now he says "Love you Matty! Love you!" It made Shannon and I cry the first time he did this. He did it completely on his own and unprovoked. It's amazing the comprehension of a 20 month old. He knows the "spot" that Matty is buried and everything. He is also saying "Butterfly" now. He says "Bye-fly" We see butterflies EVERYWHERE now, especially on our walks. I love hearing him say it. I love that butterflies remind us of Matty and I love seeing them on a daily basis.

I've been thinking a lot about another baby. I am scared to death to even think about it. I know in my heart I want another baby but I am worried something will go wrong. I want Samuel to have a baby brother or sister to grow up with. I don't feel that I am emotionally ready to try again but will I ever be? Will apart of me always feel this way? Probably.. The other "irrational" part of me wants to try NOW. But I know I need to take the time to heal, the time to heal emotionally, the time to get my body in the best possible shape for a future pregnancy. My doctor didn't say I needed to lose weight but she told me that it would most definitely optimize my chances of having a healthy future pregnancy. I think that needs to be my focus right now. To lose weight, to get healthy and to be able to be at my "best". I don't want there to be any "what ifs" in the future. Hopefully someday I'll have a Rainbow baby...








Do you remember the box we buried Matty in? We found it at a local store called Ten Thousand Villages. We went out of town last Friday and did some window shopping at an outdoor mall there. Shannon and I both saw that they had a Ten Thousand Villages shop as well so we decided to check it out. Immediately as we entered the store, we saw handmade butterfly assortments. But nothing that really stood out. I asked the store associate if she had anything else with butterflies and she said she did not. We continued to look ahead. Shannon walked over to me with a BEAUTIFUL hand craved butterfly box. Made using the EXACT same wood as the box we used for Matty. Talk about fate. I instantly fell in love with it and had to have it. So thankful Shannon found it because it was the only one!

Thinking of you always Matty. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

A butterfly that landed on Matty's plot

Vacation

Shannon went back to work a week and a half ago after being off for a week. It was an emotional week full of MRI's, traveling, anxiety attacks, crying, fighting... *sigh*

I wasn't thrilled that Shannon had to go back to work but I think we needed some space. We both had our share of emotional meltdowns and both had good moments during his vacation week. We never seemed to be HAPPY at the same time. I don't know what happened but we both decided to "fall apart" the same week. I felt like I was doing somewhat better and I guess that week proved that I am far from doing "better". I have a long ways to go before I am at a normal place.

 Shannon's vacation started on May 19th and he didn't have to return to work until the 26th of May. We couldn't officially go anywhere until the 20th because I had an appointment that morning.

On May 20th I had a MRI on my brain and cervical spine. In 2007, the doctors found a non cancerous "fatty" tumor called a Lipoma on my cervical spine. It's located from my first to my third vertebrae and my neurologist isn't sure if it's actually attached to my spinal cord. The only way to know this, is to have surgery.

A few days after I miscarried, I began having headaches that gradually worsened. A "symptom" of the Lipoma is a headache located in the back, right side of my head. When the pain becomes severe, it will radiate to my neck, shoulder, arm and hand (all on the right side). My doctor wasn't sure at first why I was having pain in my head but it was later discovered that a portion of the Lipoma is lying on a nerve that is connected to the back of my head (thus causing the headaches).

My last MRI was in 2009 so both my Neurologist and I felt it was crucial to have a repeat MRI done as soon as possible. Also 2009 was the last time I had a severe headache.

The headache got pretty severe and was causing me a great deal of anxiety. I was imagining the worse. I felt it had grown and I worried that something new would be discovered. Thankfully, the headaches have subsided. For whatever reason, the hormone changes and the stress of losing Matty, triggered it. I spoke briefly with my doctor and he told me that there were no major changes. I am meeting with him at the end of this month to discuss it further.

I am terrified of MRI's. It takes about an hour to do both studies and requires you to lie flat on your back. I had to wear a football type helmet that attached to the bed. I wasn't allowed to move and had to limit my swallowing, which is a lot harder than you think! For previous scans, I took medicine to help me "relax" but I opted to do it without medicine this time around. Maybe it was stupid but I have been against anxiety medicine since I lost Matty. Luckily, I made it through without any major problems. I did have to repeat a section of the scan THREE times due to me swallowing too much towards the end. I was so grateful to be done!

After my MRI, the boys and I decided to head to Baltimore for a few days. We had decided that we would stay for four nights and just tour the area. Check out the Zoo and the Aquarium, go to a baseball game and visit the Inner Harbor. The trip there wasn't too bad. We decided to stay close to home since neither of us were up to traveling too far. It took us about three hours to get there.

Our first evening in Baltimore was pretty nice. We drove into town and parked near the Inner Harbor. However, we were shocked by the cost of parking. Nine dollars per hour!

The boys and I spent the evening walking around the harbor, eating dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and venturing up to the top of the Trade Center in Baltimore to see an amazing view of the city. We left just before dark and got lost on the way back to our hotel. Both Shannon and I got extremely stressed. Samuel was crying and wanted to get out of the car. It was awful. Thankfully we made it back after a 20 minute detour.

About an hour after we got back to our room, I started to feel really panicky. It was the worse feeling. I just wanted to go HOME at that moment. I had no idea why I started feeling that way. Looking back now, I feel that I just overdid it. Too much stressful stuff in one day. I had an MRI, we traveled three hours and spent almost three hours in downtown Baltimore, all in one day.

The next day we woke up to rain. We wanted to take Samuel to the Zoo and the Baltimore Aquarium. We were worried that rain and the Zoo would be a BAD idea. In the end, we decided to try it. The rain had pretty much stopped when we arrived to the Zoo. Soon after we entered the Zoo it started to pour. We bought an umbrella from the gift shop and decided to "tough it out". Samuel's stroller was soaked within minutes.We took a trolley to the other part of the Zoo and realized after 20 minutes or so that most of the animals were not on display. I started to get so frustrated. I had called ahead and was told that animals would be out "rain or shine". We would trek through to a display only to find it empty. The only animals we saw were a polar bear and a few barnyard animals. Even the turtles were missing!

I could handle the rain and being wet but I was so upset that we continued to walk through the rain to see nothing. We spent a total of 40 or so minutes at the Zoo before leaving. It was a complete disaster. The Zoo was run down and it seemed like the displays had been empty for a long time. There was a lot of construction like "projects" throughout the Zoo as well. After looking at reviews online after our visit, I found out that the "projects" I saw have been that way for several years now (based on previous posters). The area surrounding the Zoo wasn't the greatest either. I was very disappointed and really wonder where the revenue is going.

We had decided that morning that we were going to leave Wednesday instead of Thursday morning. When we got back to our hotel, both Shannon and I were so frustrated with the rain, with our hotel, with the zoo, with the COST of everything, that we both wanted to leave. Within an hour, we had everything packed up and decided to check out several days early. We felt stupid for leaving but  with rain  in the forecast for the remainder of the week, we saw no reason to stay. Shannon and I were BOTH struggling with anxiety and we were constantly arguing about stupid things. We needed to go home and in retrospect, going to a larger city was a BAD idea. We needed a break but needed to go somewhere "calming".

I absolutely LOVE traveling and going to new places but I was so happy to be home. We spent the rest of the week taking some day trips to various places. We took Samuel to the Natural Bridge Zoo, which we all loved! We got to feed giraffes, llamas, goats, etc. and there were tons and tons of monkeys! Towards the end of the week we went to an amusement park. It was Samuel's first time going. He LOVED it! There were several "tot" size rides in a kid section of the park. He rode every ride by himself and was not afraid at all! His expressions were priceless. We are planning to take him back soon to enjoy the water section of the park that just opened up.

We definitely had some good moments the week Shannon was home but we also had a lot of bad moments. Shannon and I struggled a lot. Nothing he did was RIGHT and nothing I did was RIGHT. I felt like we were fighting so much. We both missed our baby so much and just weren't able to express that to each other.



BALTIMORE

 Maryland Zoo

Natural Bridge Zoo

Amusement Park