About a week or so ago I was starting to feel OKAY for the most part but as we approached the 20 week mark, I began experiencing some more frequent anxiety spells. Thankfully nothing too severe or long lasting but enough to make me fearful of certain situations. I had some teeth pulled last Wednesday and I almost had a full blown anxiety attack while they began numbing me. I have no idea what happened. I was just scared but I am not sure what of. I have been in pain before so what was I AFRAID of? Shannon was able to get me calmed down after ten minutes and we were able to finish. I don't know what I would do without Shannon right now. God placed this man in my life and I know he is here to stay, through the good and the bad.
I've made some changes in my life in the past few weeks. I decided to take a break from some distractions in my life, one of them being Facebook. I spent entirely WAY too much time on it and was constantly checking my phone. At the end of May I joined Weight Watchers so I could start working on losing weight that I have been wanting to lose for a long time. My new OB doctor recommended it if I wanted to lose weight. I have lost over 12 pounds already. Shannon has lost 7. Shannon and I are eating meals at home now and not eating out several times a week. We had gotten in such a bad habit of eating out. I have LOVED eating at home the last several weeks with the boys. We've been making fresh, healthy, whole foods for our meals too. Eating tons of fresh fruits and vegetables, which we all LOVE!
I was very skeptical of joining Weight Watchers but I have been very impressed with the concept so far. It's not really a diet. It's a lifestyle change. It's a change you and your whole family must be willing to make, to be healthy. I am active in some way every single day. I have mostly been walking but working up to running. I've already dropped a pant size as well and almost into the next. It's definitely helping me build confidence but on the side I am still hurting.
My mouth is still sore from the teeth I had pulled so it's made it hard to eat much of anything. The first few days after I had them pulled, I wasn't able to be as active so I am thinking that is part of why I am feeling this way. I got out of the "rhythm" of things that I had started.
We looked at grave markers about two weeks ago. It was horrible. Something I never wanted to do. It's overwhelming. The guy we met with was not really helpful and we ultimately could not decide what we wanted 100%. We definitely want a butterfly next to Matty's name but the rest we can't decide. I know a lot of people may find it "weird" or "odd" to have a grave marker but it's just important. We buried our baby and I feel we need to put something there to recognize the baby we lost. It's so important to both Shannon and I. It's such a permanent decision and I feel neither of us were quite ready to make that decision. When we finally do order Matty's marker, it takes approximately a month for them to install it. I really want to make a decision soon because the grass as almost grown completely where we buried Matty.
Our friend Regina, who helped us in finding a spot to bury Matty, sent me a number of a friend who works at a memorial place. I have yet to call her though. It's just stressful and I haven't felt up to doing it yet. Maybe I am just putting it off? I know I would feel better once we did it so I don't know what my problem is....
We have continued to go out to the cemetery every Sunday and go on the month anniversary as well. It's just what we need right now. We take Samuel each time and he helps me water the flower we planted a month ago and we usually take a walk together. He can say "Matty" now and when we leave now he says "Love you Matty! Love you!" It made Shannon and I cry the first time he did this. He did it completely on his own and unprovoked. It's amazing the comprehension of a 20 month old. He knows the "spot" that Matty is buried and everything. He is also saying "Butterfly" now. He says "Bye-fly" We see butterflies EVERYWHERE now, especially on our walks. I love hearing him say it. I love that butterflies remind us of Matty and I love seeing them on a daily basis.
I've been thinking a lot about another baby. I am scared to death to even think about it. I know in my heart I want another baby but I am worried something will go wrong. I want Samuel to have a baby brother or sister to grow up with. I don't feel that I am emotionally ready to try again but will I ever be? Will apart of me always feel this way? Probably.. The other "irrational" part of me wants to try NOW. But I know I need to take the time to heal, the time to heal emotionally, the time to get my body in the best possible shape for a future pregnancy. My doctor didn't say I needed to lose weight but she told me that it would most definitely optimize my chances of having a healthy future pregnancy. I think that needs to be my focus right now. To lose weight, to get healthy and to be able to be at my "best". I don't want there to be any "what ifs" in the future. Hopefully someday I'll have a Rainbow baby...
Do you remember the box we buried Matty in? We found it at a local store called Ten Thousand Villages. We went out of town last Friday and did some window shopping at an outdoor mall there. Shannon and I both saw that they had a Ten Thousand Villages shop as well so we decided to check it out. Immediately as we entered the store, we saw handmade butterfly assortments. But nothing that really stood out. I asked the store associate if she had anything else with butterflies and she said she did not. We continued to look ahead. Shannon walked over to me with a BEAUTIFUL hand craved butterfly box. Made using the EXACT same wood as the box we used for Matty. Talk about fate. I instantly fell in love with it and had to have it. So thankful Shannon found it because it was the only one!
Thinking of you always Matty. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
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| A butterfly that landed on Matty's plot |
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