Sometimes things in our lives will knock us down and it's natural for us to try to get back up again. Since April, I have been constantly knocked down. I continued to find the strength to pull myself up after each thing that was happening in my life but have now gotten to the point where I can no longer find a place to pull strength from.
I have lost my balance and have been trying so hard to find it it again.
It's a little over a week until the 6 month anniversary of losing Matty and less than a month until Matty's due date. I think about Matty
every single day. And hate that I can't talk about the babies that I have lost with others. I naturally miscarried my third pregnancy on September 6th and have been a mess since. I'm dealing with an immense amount of stress and still grieving the loss of both of my babies. Even though I was only pregnant a little over 5 weeks with this most recent pregnancy, we did decide to name this baby
Lily. Lily was going to be our rainbow baby...I've also been dealing with the idea that I may never get to carry a child again, that I may never get to give Samuel the brother or sister I hoped to give him someday. I may never get to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen again or ever feel those kicks that I loved so much with Samuel. I've been dealing with many health issues that don't want to go away and living in fear as to what's going to happen
next..
I saw a counselor yesterday as my first step to seek help but felt it was unsuccessful. I felt my wishes and concerns were disregarded and what was "important" to me wasn't treated as important. I left the office feeling worse than I did when I went in. I felt discouraged and unsure what the next step should be. I felt desperate to do whatever it took to find a way to get through it. I had two request when I went in:
1. I wanted to avoid medications at all cost. I was willing to do any/all the recommended "natural" ways to treat the anxiety I was dealing with.
2. I wanted to continue to nurse my son and did not want to be treated like I needed to wean him so I could take medication.
I did a ton of research today on natural approaches to treating anxiety and came across http://www.naturopathic.org/ ) and decided that it might be the best approach for me. I found a Naturopathic Doctor near me and called him this afternoon. I told him a little bit about my situation and he told me that I have been through a lot of trauma in the last six months and he definitely feels that he can help me find that balance in my life again. I agreed to meet with him tomorrow morning. I am somewhat skeptical but I am much more willing to try this then medications. I have decided that writing helps me and that I need to continue to do it on a daily basis. I've also stirred away from my daily exercising but have recommitted myself to getting outside
every day (whether it's cold or not) to get in some physical activity and fresh air.
I am also forcing myself to find something that I enjoy doing for myself. Neither Shannon or I do much for ourselves and I think that's important.
Last week Shannon and I finally placed the order for Matty's grave marker. It was hard but a great relief to finally do it. The man promised me to have it in by Matty's due date...
November 7th. I have been having more and more gallstone attacks and met with my surgeon on Monday. I am still slightly on the fence about it but I think I've almost completely decided to have the surgery to remove my gallbladder. We went ahead and scheduled the surgery for November but was told I could reschedule/cancel it at any point. I think at this point, having it removed would be the best thing in the long run. The recurring attacks and the constant thought of having a surgery has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress though and I am ready to feel "normal" as far as all that goes.
Please keep the boys and I in your thoughts as we get through these difficult days together. I know we will come out stronger as a family but it's hard seeing that "light at the end of the tunnel" some days..
