Izabel Hope ♡

 Written Anonymously

 My husband and I got married June 2010 and ended up getting pregnant 3 months later! We were both incredibly excited and a tad bit nervous about our first baby. My pregnancy was incredibly easy. No morning sickness, very little aches and barely any mood swings. My first ultrasound was at 17 weeks and both my husband and I were amazed to see our precious baby GIRL bouncing around on the screen! Later that night we decided to name her Izabel Hope.<3

The next day I got a call from my midwife while I was at work. She left a message saying they found something wrong with my daughters skull and I needed to call her back. Listening to that message I felt my blood run cold with worry! I tried calling back right away but wasn't able to get a hold of her and her nurse wasn't allowed to say anything. I called my husband and let him know what was going on and several family members and told them to pray. I called over and over trying to get a hold of my midwife but she wasn't ever available that day!

 It was Friday so I had to end up waiting the whole weekend before she finally called me back Monday morning. The ultrasound tech found something wrong with her skull and she was going to send me to a specialist that week to see what it could be for sure. A couple nerve wracking days later and we were in a major hospital to see our specialist and they first sent us in with a maternity counselor to talk about what it could possibly be and what options I might have.

We were in her tiny little office when we finally heard any details about the ultrasound. She said that it looked like my baby could be missing part of her skull and the odds of her surviving, if it was what they were guessing at this point anencephaly. Were basically nonexistent but they were going to see for sure at this ultrasound. we just needed to be prepared. Our specialist doctor was very kind and explained everything he saw to us. Izabel indeed was missing part if her skull but not the whole top like they originally thought. "she has a hole that never 'zipped'shut. " he explained. it's a form if a neural tube defect called encephalocele that is supposed to close within the first 30 days of being pregnant.

 A lot of the time it's before even finding out your pregnant and there was nothing I did wrong. My husband and I held it together with just a few tears at first because although the odds of survival still weren't good they were slightly better than we thought. The counselor talked to us once again and told us we could have an amino to see if it was genetic and tried encouraging us to terminate. Although we knew it was her job to tell us, we couldn't help but be slightly offended that anyone would think taking our precious baby's life would solve any problems. This was our beloved daughter. Every kick, every movement, made us love her more.

 We said we didn't want to do any testing because it still wouldn't change our minds anyhow. We told everyone and had her on our Facebook for prayer requests. We had a couple other ultrasounds to continue checking up on her but I'll never forget the last. I was 23 weeks along and my next appointment was the day after Valentine's. Everything seemed to go wrong during that trip. The bank account had issues, we lost our hotel key and we weren't even able to celebrate our first Valentines as a married couple nicely.

I mentioned to my hubby how nervous I was that I hadn't felt Izabel much the last couple days and had a bad feeling about it. He was always encouraging me and trying to lift my spirits. Such a wonderful man! He reassured me that everything was going to be fine, even though I could see the worry on his face. The next morning at the ultrasound I could tell right away. I didn't see her familiar heartbeat on the screen. The doctor confirmed our fears and told us she was gone. As soon as we were near the parking, lot I started bawling. I couldn't stop.

 I didn't care who heard or saw, all I could think of was"she's gone. My baby girl is gone!" My husband was trying to be strong and comforting for me but realized he locked the keys in the car. He let me cry while he called someone to unlock the car and charged us $50 for doing so. Cherry on the cake. The ride home was long and filled with tears, while my husband called to inform family. They offered to induce me but I preferred to deliver on my own. It took 2 weeks before my body was willing to let her go. Labor was short and fast.

 She was born 5 minutes after getting to labor and delivery. My mother drove me and my husband missed it by a few minutes because he was at work. The white sack came out with her still inside. They pulled her out, wrapped her delicate body in a blanket and handed her to me. My husband was there by my side a minute later and had his arms wrapped around us. My dad, mom, husband and I all passed her around admiring her tiny fingers and toes and marveling at the detail in her face. She was beautiful.

A lady asked if we would like pictures and had someone come in from 'now I lay you down to sleep' to take some amazing photos so we would always have that keepsake. She was very kind and gentle. We ended up staying the night in labor and delivery. It was impossible to sleep as we kept hearing babies crying and knowing that we would never hear out little angel cry. The next morning they took her away for cremation.

She was so tiny! They didn't charge us for the urn or cremation service. People kept telling me that she was with the Lord and she wasn't in pain anymore but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want people to mention her because I couldn't keep tears down. I wanted to be numb and feel nothing. I ended up getting very depressed and wouldn't be able to function. I slept all day and cried all night and even my loving husband couldn't always console me. My Izabel passed at 23 weeks and was delivered at 25. She weighed 13 oz. Although Izabel can never be replaced as my first baby, I am happy to say, that 3 months after this, I ended up getting pregnant with my rainbow! Kaylee Aurora. She is the happiest, easiest and biggest blessing (other than my husband) I have ever received and can't imaging life without her! If I hadn't lost my precious Izabel, Kaylee would never have been born. She was conceived a month and a half before before Izabels due date. I still praise the Lord for both of my daughters (and my son to be born Jan) even though I haven't gotten to meet her, I still count it a privilege to have gotten to carry her over 6 months. <3

Gianna Faith-Dawn ♡

 Written Anonymously

On March 30, 2008, I discovered I was expecting my 6th baby. We were overjoyed. I had never wanted a big family, but I discovered that the more children we had, the more wonderful our family became. Expecting our 6th was just as exciting as our first was.

My husband took joy in waiting until April first to tell family members, so they wouldn't know if he was serious or playing an April Fools joke on them.

My other five children thought it was the best thing in the world to be expecting another baby. The girls, who outnumbered the boys by one, were divided on if they wanted a boy or a girl. One wanted another sister, where the oldest wanted a boy to even things out. My youngest was only 1, and really didn't care one way or the other. The boys, however were united in their desire for a boy.

I had nausea every day, starting about the third month. It only lasted about a month, but was pretty extreme. It wasn't uncommon to start the nausea later in the first trimester, for me. However, other little things were different with this pregnancy versus the other 5. For instance, the charlie horses that are always one of my first clues that I'm pregnant were not there. My gums, which always start bleeding almost right from conception, had no bleeding. Those were just minor things, but had me a bit concerned. I know that all pregnancies are different, and I tried to console myself with that thought. However, it did seem strange to not have things that I always had before, for so many other pregnancies. Worrying is no stranger to me during my pregnancies. Worry about every little thing. This time I was determined to not worry. I told myself that I don't ever have problems, so it's stupid for me to always worry. I was able to pretty much contain my worry, giving me more time to be excited. Strange how some things work out.

At nine weeks I went in for my first appointment and ultra sound. Things looked really good. I paid especially close attention to the heart rate. I was once told that if the heart is really strong at that point, there is little chance for a miscarriage. The heart was at 180 beats. The baby was strong and healthy. That didn't stop me from looking at the ultra sound picture that I was given. At that stage in pregnancy, I've always thought they either looked a bit like a peanut or a ghost. This baby had a slightly different shape on the head. But I figured it was just my imagination.

My next ultra sound was at 18 weeks. We decided to take all the children with us when we found out the gender. I was so excited. For some reason I couldn't sleep the night before, due to my excitement. I had a dream that it was going to be a boy. My husband and I had a friendly bet going on all the way to my appointment. He was certain it would be another girl, to which he smilingly said something about the expenses involved in having four daughters' weddings in the future.

As we pulled in the parking lot, my nerves became unbelievable. The kids asked what we were going to see on the ultra sound. I said we were going to be finding out if it was a brother or a sister. And then I started thinking about all the things that we would be looking at and began to fear something being wrong. I never dreamed we would discover what we did.

The doctor's office was really busy that day. All kinds of ultra sounds were being done, making the wait almost unbearable. I watched women coming out from their ultra sounds and noticed how they were all pretty big all ready. I was just barely showing, which was small even for me, and I never get big. I was finally called in. The ultra sound tech asked if we wanted to find out what we were having, to which I excitedly said we would. She put the gel on and then the sonogram thing and right away I noticed that something wasn't right. She went over the head about 2 times, pretty quickly. She looked at me and whispered "it looks like a girl, but there's a problem." I'd never heard anything so awful. I thought, well, whatever it is, it can be fixed, so don't worry. And then I saw it....her brain. That is not right! You are not supposed to be able to see a brain when looking at your baby. I asked if that was what I was looking at. She told me it was. After a few more minutes she went to find the midwife and then sent us into the exam room. The midwife explained that my baby had what could be Anencephaly or Encephalocele, Esophagele (where her esophagus wasn't connected to her stomach), and clenched fists. My baby would most surely die. I wanted to die. She was sending us to a specialist early the next week to confirm her diagnosis.

The whole way home I tried to stay strong, but I was in a complete fog. I knew that I couldn't handle continuing to feel my baby move inside of me, knowing she would die. I am completely against abortion, and have always been, but I wasn't thinking very clearly and just wanted it to end so I could move on with my life, and have another baby, a healthy one.

The specialist confirmed that it was Anencephaly. "I'm sorry," he said, "she will die, there is nothing we can do". Those are the worst words any mother can hear. Her fists were no longer clenched, but the rest was confirmed. I would have to be on 4 mg. of folic acid every day for the rest of my child bearing years. It would decrease my chances of having another baby with a neural tube defect from 6% to 1%. To even have a 1% chance was an awful thing to hear. He told us that by law he was required to give us our "options". We could either do an ENC (much like a DNC), where they would stop her heart, and then tear her out in pieces and dump her body pieces. Or they could induce, where they would once again kill her and then I would deliver her. Or we could carry her to term or as long as we wanted. What kind of options are those? Either way she would die, but it would NOT be by my choice. I loved her already. I would carry her as long as the Lord gave her to me.

Every time I had spotting, I prayed the Lord was ending it for me, for the first couple weeks or months. I didn't want to take vitamins or even eat enough for her. What good would it do? I finally surrendered my pain and my daughter's situation to God. I prayed that if it was His will, she would be healed, and that He would help me to make the most of every day, every movement with my daughter. I suddenly noticed I was okay with whatever His will was for our lives. If she went home to Heaven, I would be okay with that. If she lived but had medical problems, I would be okay with that. I just prayed that He wouldn't make it too hard for us and that He would please help us through it all.

The days passed quickly, and without too much pain. Truthfully, I found happiness and hope again. I loved feeling her move. She listened to her big sister. If her sister told her to kick for her, she would kick. She would even move out of my ribs when her sister told her to, but not for anyone else. My husband once scared her. She had been moving too much for me to sleep, so my husband rubbed my stomach to try to quiet her down. He had slowed down and then suddenly rubbed a bit harder. When he rubbed harder, she jumped, causing my husband and I to laugh. Nobody can tell me she couldn't feel or hear. She did. She was perfect.

At 36 weeks, I went in for another ultra sound to make sure she wouldn't be too big if I waited a few more weeks. I was told that I had polyhydramnios (too much water). She was tiny though, so I could wait to make an induction appointment. I didn't want to induce, but I was told my chances of going into labor spontaneously were very slim, unless my water broke, which it never has on it's own before. We decided to wait until after Thanksgiving since family would be up for Thanksgiving. On the bright side, her esophagus had been healed (that could only be from God). He healed her, but He still intended to take her home with Him, so he left her head as it was.

The pain from the polyhydramnios was almost unbearable. My ribs were being pushed out and over by the water. I was bed ridden for a whole week before she was born, with lots of pain killers. The only relief was lying on my side.

On Thanksgiving, at 38.6 weeks, while giving my daughters a bath, in the morning, I felt pressure. Then an excruciating pain. It felt like the end of labor, after the water has been broken, and those painful contractions were coming every 2 minutes and lasting a full minute to minute and a half. I told my husband we had to leave. My hospital is 2 hours away and I have pretty quick labors...about 4 - 6 hours. We got to the hospital exactly 2 hours after the first contraction. I was fully dilated. I begged her to break my water right away. And then I started the pushing. She was frank breech and it took me about 45 minutes to push her out. It was longer, but not really more painful. Her cord was out for about 1/2 hour before she was born. It strangled her a bit. She was born without ever taking a noticeable breath. She had kicked me about 5 minutes before she was delivered, so I knew she would be alive, even if just barely. They heard a faint heart beat for about 49 minutes. We never did anything to prolong her life. I had already done all I could, and I loved her fully. I had fully loved my little Gianna Faith-Dawn for almost 5 months. Now I was ready to let her go Home, where she had always belonged.

I sometimes wonder what she would have been like if she had lived. But I remind myself that she was never intended to remain here on Earth. She was beautiful. I think about her all the time. We put a picture ornament on our tree. Our subtle reminder that she is still a part of our family. She always will be.

I could never regret conceiving, carrying or giving birth to Gianna. I am so glad that I was given 4 1/2 months to get to know her completely. Those are the months in which I normally am so excited for the birth that I don't take the time to enjoy the baby I'm carrying. During those months, I knew that was all the time I would ever get with her, and I made the most of them. She was never in any pain, and carrying her to term didn't do any damage to my body and gave me time to say good-bye. I am so thankful that she was born, looking so perfect, and I could hold her and kiss her and love her.

Since losing my little angel, I have had two baby boys. They are so wonderful and special and truly did fill the longing left in my arms. I really desired another girl though. I didn't want to replace my baby girl, but my heart always knew I carried a baby girl, which I never got to bring home. Having another baby girl to bring home, I believe, will fill that final longing in my heart. Not the longing for the baby I lost, but the longing for a girl to bring home. I am now pregnant with a little girl. I worry constantly that something will go wrong, and I will once again bury my baby girl. But I try to leave it in God's hands. This will probably be our last baby, so I work very hard to not worry so much, but rather to enjoy my time.

 

Rylee Ray ♡

Written by Chelcey Moody

I gave birth to Rylee Ray on November 21st 2011. He was 3 weeks early but seemed as though he couldn't wait to get out and meet us. He weighed 6lbs 3oz, 18.5 inches long.

 Since he was suppose to be a scheduled c-section and they couldn't stop contractions we decided to go for it. He was so beautiful. Everything and more that imagined my baby boy to be. We immediately bonded and I couldn't help but fall more and more in love everyday with him. His big sister was soon attached too. She loved to help in every way. Daddy also loved his only son dearly. We were a happy family. The months started to go by and Rylee was nothing but happy, he was playful, loving, smiley, and an all around mommas boy. I couldn't get enough of my precious boy.

 He got on a sleeping schedule at only 3 months He was actually sleeping until 10 in the morning. We couldn't believe how amazing it was to have such an easy baby. On the morning of March 15th 2012 I got up and made my pot of coffee like I always do Their daddy had just got off a night shift at 5am so he was sound asleep. I waited for both of my children to wake up. It was about a quarter to ten am when my daughter awoke and wanted to play, I then waited to hear a peep out of Rylee. Nothing. I waited a total of a half an hour before I decided I should go wake him up myself. I was getting impatient and bored and wanted both of my kids up, since their daddy would be sleeping for quite a while.

 I walked to his bedroom and opened the door and quietly walked in, As soon as I reached the bed I saw him. He was blotched purple and blue, lifeless. I almost for a minute thought I was dreaming. What was I looking at? My heart sank farther then I had ever felt. I scooped up my dead son and I started to scream, no tears just helpless screams I held him close and I rocked my 4 month old limp son. Was this a cruel dream? Was this really happening. I had never felt so much pain, heartache all at once.

 I started yelling for his dad. I began to cry as I was still holding my son. When his dad came to the room he didn't understand why I was yelling and screaming. I told him to call 911. I stood over my son while his father tried desperately to give him CPR until the ambulance arrived I just stood there numb, His almost 2 year old sister stood there as well. She was quiet and she just looked at me with sad eyes. I knew he was gone the minute I saw him in the room but yet somehow a part of me thought he would magically awake if given some air.

 March 15th 2012 is the day I lost my son, apart of me and my peace of mind. I will never fully understand why we had to go through this, why someone so precious and happy had be taken from me. Rylee Ray would be 2 this year in November, and everyday I wish I could see him. Someday I have faith I will.

Rylee Ray- November 21st, 2011-March 15th, 2012

Paige Marie ♡

 ~written by Rachael Heilig

My journey of loss and heartache and then hope and faith began six years ago~on a winter day in 2006 when I looked into my shaking hands to see a positive pregnancy test. Not just the rush of being parents again but the relief of finally, it was happening again. After four years of trying, our two boys would have a sibling. I was so lost in happiness, so unaware of what pregnancy can be like.

 I was already picturing the day we would bring our miracle bundle home, the joy and love that day would hold. The words stillborn, loss mama, angel, & funeral meant nothing to me. I had never really been exposed to baby loss except in hush tones of gossip when a friend had lost hers but no none really talked about it. I never gave it a thought. And why should I have? I had two handsome little boys that came right as planned and safely into my arms.

So here I was wrapped in my own world and happy as could be. I spent weeks preparing for our little one, buying baby clothes right away and planning the nursery even though we would not find out the sex until the baby was born. I was glowing I felt~I had the whole world in my hands and my life was perfect. Then came the day that was all ripped out from under me~in the blink of an eye. I woke up April 6th 2007 excited to go to my 20 week ultrasound appointment. It was to be my first appointment and I was looking forward to my precious baby on the screen.

 My husband was busy with cows so I took my then 5 year old son Ethan with me. He was as giddy as me and we did some baby shopping before my appointment. The baby was so active that morning~kicking away and rolling. We picked out some precious little shoes with baseballs on them. I told Ethan what if it’s a girl~well he said she can wear them too! After shopping we headed to our appointment and go right in.

I laid down on the exam table and squeezed Ethan’s hand asking if he was ready to see his new baby brother or sister. He was so excited he would not sit still. The Dr flipped on the machine and started running it across my belly. I knew within a minute that something was wrong. I could see our baby laying so still at the very bottom of my belly. No movement. I looked at my Dr and started screaming, whats wrong with baby? What is wrong? She kept searching then looked at me with tears and said, I am so sorry Rachael, your baby is gone, there is not heartbeat. I started screaming and just felt so out of control.

 My poor son was sitting there so confused. He kept asking where is the baby mommy? I want to see the baby. I finally was able to get a breath and told him~Mommy is so sorry honey, the baby is gone. She has no heartbeat. He started crying, so overwhelmed and confused I am sure. The Dr left to call my husband to come get me and I just collapsed on the table. I cried till I could not feel anything anymore then just felt myself going numb from the inside out. I could not move, I could not answer my sons questions, I could not do anything but sit there. I faintly remember the Dr coming in saying since Easter was 3 days away we could come back after Easter to talk about birthing baby. I could not even answer.

My husband showed up to get me and I just grabbed him and yelled at him. I was telling him it was his fault for not coming to my appointment and how could he not be there. I remember being ushered out through the office back door~like I was a secret that the other pregnant mothers could not see. We headed home and I just sat there with my hands on my belly, telling the baby inside me to live, to fight, to come back to us.

We got home and our oldest son was just getting home from school. I could not even bring myself to look at him, I made my husband go tell him the baby was gone. I felt like I had let my boys down. My heart broke for them more then myself. My husband wanted to spend the next few days as if nothing had happened so that the boys could enjoy Easter. I don’t remember any of the days. I was so numb and in shock. I was just dreading the day I has to return to the hospital and let go of our baby forever. I kept telling my husband I wanted to keep the baby in me forever, and I refused to talk about going back to deliver.

My husband finally dragged me up to the hospital, six days later. I was not talking to anyone, I just sat there willing myself not to scream and run away. I had to have another ultrasound done, to see where baby was laying, and because of her position they opted I have a D&E. I had no idea what that meant other then the Dr told me it was much like delivery without the pain and that baby would arrive in one piece. Piece? "What the hell did that mean?" I screamed at her. I was filled with so much rage I finally just let it out right there in the room. I was screaming, yelling, hysterical. They came and gave me a shot to calm me down and scheduled delivery for the next morning.

 I was out pretty much all the afternoon and into the next morning. I do remember walking to the delivery room for the D&E~a lady on the elevator complimented my beautiful belly. I just stared at her while my husband tried to make up something to say. I was so upset, how could she say that? How could she not know my baby was dead?

Paige Marie Heilig was taken from me on April 11^th, 2007. I never got to see her, hold her, smell her, or touch her tiny fingers or toes. I never got to see if she had hair or my nose or my boys mouth. I never got to do anything but go home hours later with discharge papers and maternity clothes that now hung off of my belly. I was told nothing about her. And since this was my first loss and I had no idea what to expect, I never knew I had the right to ask to see her and hold her. I never even knew I had the right to ask for her body. I just was lost and there was noone there to tell me what my rights were.

Going home was so hard, walking through the door I was hit by the loss of my daughter. My little Princess I had prayed for years for. How could God do this to me? How could he take me daughter? How could he take my children’s sister? My husbands only daughter? I spent weeks in bed, missing everything in my boys life. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom. People came and went and I was so numb, it was like an out of body experience. I did not want to talk to anyone, just lay there and die. I did not see how I could go on.

Then one day my son came in and grabbed my hand and said mama, you have to come out of your room, we miss you mama. I let those words sink in, they miss me, they need me. I have to move on. It was the biggest step and the hardest but I decided to try to live again.

It took me over a year to become the new normal~the new person I am now. I had good days and really bad days. I had days I wanted to die and others I could not live enough. Slowly the seasons changed and my heart ripping pain became bearable. I was able to see the beauty around me again and in the people around me. I had let the hate & rage eat me up for so long and it slowly was fading. My boys helped me to realize that I had to go on and be the best mama I could. I may have lost Paige but I could not lose them also.

After a year of walking this journey we decided to try again~for a Rainbow, a term I had never heard of before. It was a huge leap of faith~so much could go wrong and I wrestled for months about this choice. I was terrified beyond belief. After 3 years of trying we finally got pregnant again. It was stressful for our whole family~we worried as a family for the safety of this baby and we prayed as a family. Every appointment brought up the fear and pain but we did it as a family and on a wintry evening, December 30, 2010, we welcomed Paige’s little sister, Savannah Pearl into the world healthy & crying.

 She was our miracle baby. We cried and thanked God for this beautiful blessing but we also cried tears of sadness over the loss of our first daughter again. Savannah was born with a beautiful red birthmark right on the back of her neck in her hairline. The nurse came in and I showed her~she says oh honey that’s not a birthmark, that’s an angel’s kiss…..yes an angel kiss from our precious little girl Paige.   ~Rachael Heilig

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Project

For the month of October, I have decided to share stories from individuals about their losses and how it's changed their lives.

In April of 2012, I experienced my first loss. I originally started this blog by sharing my story with the world because I wanted others to know they were not alone. While I haven't done it in awhile, it was and has been incredibly healing for me to write. In September of 2012 I suffered my second pregnancy loss and went on to suffer a third loss in December of 2012. After three losses, my husband and I made the difficult decision to stop trying. Neither of us wanted to "give up" but it was becoming too hard physically and emotionally on us both and we decided it was time to walk away. In March of this year, Shannon and I decided to pursue adoption. We both felt in our hearts, it was the next step in our journey. Our homestudy visits started very quickly and we had all three visits done by mid April. We couldn't believe how fast it was going.

On May 13th, our homestudy was APPROVED.

On Mother's Day, May 12th, Shannon and I found out that I was expecting again.

We spent the next several weeks on edge. We held our breaths every time the nurse called me back with my lab results and we prepared our hearts for the "worst case scenario" every time we went in for an ultrasound. As the days and weeks passed, we gradually were able to breath a little better. Here we are at almost 24 weeks pregnant, with our rainbow baby boy. It's been a long journey to get to where we are and our true hope is that we get to bring this baby home in January. Due to previous losses, my mind will wander and worry and anxiety will take over. But overall, I have not let the fear of losing another baby, take over.

It is my hope that by sharing my story and now by sharing stories of others. that it brings healing to them but also to others who may be reading their story. For them to know they are not alone on this journey after a loss.

April 18th

It's hard to believe it's been a year since we lost Matty. Today has been easier than I imagined but I have had several moments already today where I have felt extremely overwhelmed. I think my emotions are everywhere today and I am just trying to figure out how I am "suppose" to feel. The boys and I went out to the cemetery this afternoon and spent well over an hour out there. On Monday night we order live butterflies from a place in Florida and they arrived yesterday afternoon. We ordered twelve butterflies to represent the twelve months that Matty has been gone. To our surprise though, we ended up with thirty-six butterflies!

Shannon, Samuel and I put a lot of thought into making this day special. We planted a beautiful flower, released a balloon and released thirty six butterflies!

Here are a few images of us remembering our sweet angel baby Matty today...

 

We love you Matty and miss you very much. 4.18.12

Matty's Story Here