I was on my way to pick Shannon up from work this evening and a song called "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory came on the radio. I had heard it before but it never stuck out the way it did tonight. Wanted to share it with you guys.
Don't Give Up -Calling Glory
Sunday, December 30, 2012
What's Next?
Shannon and I have been talking a lot over the last several days. We are trying to decide, what's next? In the medical world, two pregnancy losses is usually deemed as "bad luck" but once you hit three losses, it is taken more seriously. I was referred to a Fertility Specialist out of the area and will be meeting with him in a little less than three weeks. I had a panel of blood test done in November but all those test came back normal. Those test were specifically looking for clotting disorders and various other disorders. This past Friday I went ahead and had genetic testing done on me. If anything comes back "abnormal" then Shannon will be tested as well. If all that comes back normal, the specialist will likely want to run some other test. My OB told me last week that sometimes an answer is never found so we needed to prepare ourselves for that. I feel like there is a reason for all this but hate the thought of never knowing why this has happened three times now and may or may not continue to happen.
In previous post I have briefly mentioned that it took us awhile to conceive my son. For whatever reason it just took my body a few years to get its self "leveled" out hormonally wise so we are thinking something hormonally may be off again. I had my Progesterone levels check for the last two pregnancies and my levels were fine. I was put on Progesterone Suppositories for this most recent pregnancy as a "buffer" and was suppose to start Lovenox shots once a day had the pregnancy been viable. I am not sure if that's something we will do again if I get pregnant again.
Now the question of the day...when to try again? Should we wait until we do EVERY single test possible and then try again? What if everything comes back "normal"? Then what? Probability is still in our favor of having a healthy pregnancy either way but is it irresponsible to try again so soon after having three consecutive miscarriages?? The topic of adoption even came up last night. Both Shannon and I decided LOOOONG ago that we would adopt someday. We wanted to whether we had biological kids or not. It's just something we desired to do. Maybe it's that time? Maybe we start that process and see what happens otherwise with my fertility. We have even considered foster care but we were told that it's not recommended to have a child older than Samuel and it's very uncommon to get a child younger than two. I know it's important to be patient but we are ready to add to our family now.
I have a feeling that's one lesson God is trying to teach me here. Patience. But wasn't I patient for Samuel? We waited so long for him. It was so hard going cycle after cycle after cycle...not being pregnant. Watching everyone else around me be able to get pregnant with ease and carry their babies to term without complications. I will be forever grateful for the gift God gave us when he gave us Samuel. He is our whole world. He truly is our MIRACLE baby. I always said I would be happy with just one child...God just give me one child and I'll be happy. But why do I have this great desire now to have more? To have a big family? To give Samuel a baby sister or a baby brother? I try so hard but it won't go away. Even for Shannon who is hurting, he still wants it just as much.
I wish God would give me a sign. Tell me what to do. I know I could look at my miscarriages as a "sign" that it means it's time to quit. But I don't believe that because I see mother's everyday go through this and go on to have their healthy baby. Some women have 5+ miscarriages before they do. God what is the reasoning behind pregnancy loss? Especially recurrent pregnancy loss.
I am only a few days into this loss and all I can think about is trying again. I usually don't have this desire to TRY again until about three or so months later. About three months after we lost Matty, it hit me and three months after we lost the baby in September, it hit me again. I struggled a lot with anxiety after the loss in September. I was afraid of everything. Thankfully I didn't allow it to get out of control and through support of my family, I was able to get a hold of it without medicine. Yes, I still struggle some days but nothing like it was for those few weeks. The one thing most people don't realize about pregnancy loss, is that the innocence of pregnancy is GONE. You worry about each new pregnancy constantly. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. You never really get to relax and never get to enjoy being pregnant.
Hopefully over the course of the next several weeks we get some answers or at least able to make a decision that we feel is best for our family. Our hope is not to go through more losses but we know that it's a possibility. Praying and hoping for another MIRACLE baby <3
In previous post I have briefly mentioned that it took us awhile to conceive my son. For whatever reason it just took my body a few years to get its self "leveled" out hormonally wise so we are thinking something hormonally may be off again. I had my Progesterone levels check for the last two pregnancies and my levels were fine. I was put on Progesterone Suppositories for this most recent pregnancy as a "buffer" and was suppose to start Lovenox shots once a day had the pregnancy been viable. I am not sure if that's something we will do again if I get pregnant again.
Now the question of the day...when to try again? Should we wait until we do EVERY single test possible and then try again? What if everything comes back "normal"? Then what? Probability is still in our favor of having a healthy pregnancy either way but is it irresponsible to try again so soon after having three consecutive miscarriages?? The topic of adoption even came up last night. Both Shannon and I decided LOOOONG ago that we would adopt someday. We wanted to whether we had biological kids or not. It's just something we desired to do. Maybe it's that time? Maybe we start that process and see what happens otherwise with my fertility. We have even considered foster care but we were told that it's not recommended to have a child older than Samuel and it's very uncommon to get a child younger than two. I know it's important to be patient but we are ready to add to our family now.
I have a feeling that's one lesson God is trying to teach me here. Patience. But wasn't I patient for Samuel? We waited so long for him. It was so hard going cycle after cycle after cycle...not being pregnant. Watching everyone else around me be able to get pregnant with ease and carry their babies to term without complications. I will be forever grateful for the gift God gave us when he gave us Samuel. He is our whole world. He truly is our MIRACLE baby. I always said I would be happy with just one child...God just give me one child and I'll be happy. But why do I have this great desire now to have more? To have a big family? To give Samuel a baby sister or a baby brother? I try so hard but it won't go away. Even for Shannon who is hurting, he still wants it just as much.
I wish God would give me a sign. Tell me what to do. I know I could look at my miscarriages as a "sign" that it means it's time to quit. But I don't believe that because I see mother's everyday go through this and go on to have their healthy baby. Some women have 5+ miscarriages before they do. God what is the reasoning behind pregnancy loss? Especially recurrent pregnancy loss.
I am only a few days into this loss and all I can think about is trying again. I usually don't have this desire to TRY again until about three or so months later. About three months after we lost Matty, it hit me and three months after we lost the baby in September, it hit me again. I struggled a lot with anxiety after the loss in September. I was afraid of everything. Thankfully I didn't allow it to get out of control and through support of my family, I was able to get a hold of it without medicine. Yes, I still struggle some days but nothing like it was for those few weeks. The one thing most people don't realize about pregnancy loss, is that the innocence of pregnancy is GONE. You worry about each new pregnancy constantly. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. You never really get to relax and never get to enjoy being pregnant.
Hopefully over the course of the next several weeks we get some answers or at least able to make a decision that we feel is best for our family. Our hope is not to go through more losses but we know that it's a possibility. Praying and hoping for another MIRACLE baby <3
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Courage & Strength
It's hard to believe January will be a year since we started trying to have another baby. We never imagined the heartbreak we would have to endure nor did foresee losing three babies in an eight month period. Each pregnancy was a new life and a new hope. It was quickly shattered by yet another loss. Here we are at the beginning of our third loss, our third miscarriage, our third hope for a new baby...broken, lost and confused. Will our dream of having a second child together come true? Do we give up or do we not surrender until we have that baby? We are at a crossroads that we never expected to be at. Is God telling us something? How do we turn all the bad we have gone through this past year into something good?
I'm not willing to give up, even though everything is telling me that I should. I will not be defeated by this.
I remember looking at Shannon in September and telling him "I cannot go through this again, we are done. Do not let me convince you otherwise." I remember feeling so numb and feeling so sick. Here I am a week after I realized I was pregnant again and two days after I started miscarrying. I don't feel that way anymore. More than anything in the world I want our Rainbow baby. It scares me to death to think we may have to endure more losses before we will but I feel in my heart that with God's help and with courage and strength, we will achieve our dreams.
We have a long journey ahead of us. I haven't been really public about my loss in September or this loss now but feel that if I share our journey, that it may help someone else. I don't want others to feel like they are alone in this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through but I know it will make me stronger. It will make me a better wife and a better mother.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
--Thomas A. Edison
I'm not willing to give up, even though everything is telling me that I should. I will not be defeated by this.
I remember looking at Shannon in September and telling him "I cannot go through this again, we are done. Do not let me convince you otherwise." I remember feeling so numb and feeling so sick. Here I am a week after I realized I was pregnant again and two days after I started miscarrying. I don't feel that way anymore. More than anything in the world I want our Rainbow baby. It scares me to death to think we may have to endure more losses before we will but I feel in my heart that with God's help and with courage and strength, we will achieve our dreams.
We have a long journey ahead of us. I haven't been really public about my loss in September or this loss now but feel that if I share our journey, that it may help someone else. I don't want others to feel like they are alone in this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through but I know it will make me stronger. It will make me a better wife and a better mother.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
--Thomas A. Edison
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
A little history on how this day got started. In the late 1980's President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It wasn't until 2002 that the movement begin to designate a specific day to remember all those lost.
On this day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m., in all times zones, all around the world, to remember all the babies lost. The idea is that there will be a continuous wave of light all around the world on this day.
A few days ago I found a beautiful handmade candle holder at one of my favorite local shops, Ten Thousand Villages. I had planned to participate in Wave of Light but did not think once about using this new holder for it. I am so thankful I got it because it was perfect!
A little history on how this day got started. In the late 1980's President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It wasn't until 2002 that the movement begin to designate a specific day to remember all those lost.
On this day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m., in all times zones, all around the world, to remember all the babies lost. The idea is that there will be a continuous wave of light all around the world on this day.
A few days ago I found a beautiful handmade candle holder at one of my favorite local shops, Ten Thousand Villages. I had planned to participate in Wave of Light but did not think once about using this new holder for it. I am so thankful I got it because it was perfect!
Always remembering my angel babies
4.18.12 & 09.06.12
Friday, October 12, 2012
Feeling Encouraged
I probably should be in bed but wanted to write before getting there. I am feeling somewhat encouraged tonight. I met with a local Naturopathic Physician this afternoon and feel really good about what we talked about. I was somewhat skeptical about it but really feel this man knows what he is talking about. We are trying a combination of things to see if it helps with how I am feeling (natural herbs/supplements). Shannon said he already sees a difference in me. The doctor said it was possible to see a difference right away or possibly in a few days. I do feel better and I feel less discouraged then I did when I woke up this morning so something is definitely happening. I guess we will see over the course of the next several days. I have have had very little anxiousness all day. He also suggested that I hold off on surgery (to have gallbladder removed) because he strongly feels we can get things back to where it needs to be. I am 100% for NOT having surgery so I am willing to see what happens over the next several weeks and months.
I am so happy that we decided to try this route and I pray that it continues to be the right route for us. I would much rather go the most natural approach in treating anything.
Have a great night...
I am so happy that we decided to try this route and I pray that it continues to be the right route for us. I would much rather go the most natural approach in treating anything.
Have a great night...
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I've Lost my Balance
Sometimes things in our lives will knock us down and it's natural for us to try to get back up again. Since April, I have been constantly knocked down. I continued to find the strength to pull myself up after each thing that was happening in my life but have now gotten to the point where I can no longer find a place to pull strength from.
I have lost my balance and have been trying so hard to find it it again.
It's a little over a week until the 6 month anniversary of losing Matty and less than a month until Matty's due date. I think about Matty every single day. And hate that I can't talk about the babies that I have lost with others. I naturally miscarried my third pregnancy on September 6th and have been a mess since. I'm dealing with an immense amount of stress and still grieving the loss of both of my babies. Even though I was only pregnant a little over 5 weeks with this most recent pregnancy, we did decide to name this baby Lily. Lily was going to be our rainbow baby...I've also been dealing with the idea that I may never get to carry a child again, that I may never get to give Samuel the brother or sister I hoped to give him someday. I may never get to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen again or ever feel those kicks that I loved so much with Samuel. I've been dealing with many health issues that don't want to go away and living in fear as to what's going to happen next..
I saw a counselor yesterday as my first step to seek help but felt it was unsuccessful. I felt my wishes and concerns were disregarded and what was "important" to me wasn't treated as important. I left the office feeling worse than I did when I went in. I felt discouraged and unsure what the next step should be. I felt desperate to do whatever it took to find a way to get through it. I had two request when I went in:
1. I wanted to avoid medications at all cost. I was willing to do any/all the recommended "natural" ways to treat the anxiety I was dealing with.
2. I wanted to continue to nurse my son and did not want to be treated like I needed to wean him so I could take medication.
I did a ton of research today on natural approaches to treating anxiety and came across Naturopathic Medicine( http://www.naturopathic.org/ ) and decided that it might be the best approach for me. I found a Naturopathic Doctor near me and called him this afternoon. I told him a little bit about my situation and he told me that I have been through a lot of trauma in the last six months and he definitely feels that he can help me find that balance in my life again. I agreed to meet with him tomorrow morning. I am somewhat skeptical but I am much more willing to try this then medications. I have decided that writing helps me and that I need to continue to do it on a daily basis. I've also stirred away from my daily exercising but have recommitted myself to getting outside every day (whether it's cold or not) to get in some physical activity and fresh air.
I am also forcing myself to find something that I enjoy doing for myself. Neither Shannon or I do much for ourselves and I think that's important.
Last week Shannon and I finally placed the order for Matty's grave marker. It was hard but a great relief to finally do it. The man promised me to have it in by Matty's due date...November 7th. I have been having more and more gallstone attacks and met with my surgeon on Monday. I am still slightly on the fence about it but I think I've almost completely decided to have the surgery to remove my gallbladder. We went ahead and scheduled the surgery for November but was told I could reschedule/cancel it at any point. I think at this point, having it removed would be the best thing in the long run. The recurring attacks and the constant thought of having a surgery has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress though and I am ready to feel "normal" as far as all that goes.
Please keep the boys and I in your thoughts as we get through these difficult days together. I know we will come out stronger as a family but it's hard seeing that "light at the end of the tunnel" some days..
I have lost my balance and have been trying so hard to find it it again.
It's a little over a week until the 6 month anniversary of losing Matty and less than a month until Matty's due date. I think about Matty every single day. And hate that I can't talk about the babies that I have lost with others. I naturally miscarried my third pregnancy on September 6th and have been a mess since. I'm dealing with an immense amount of stress and still grieving the loss of both of my babies. Even though I was only pregnant a little over 5 weeks with this most recent pregnancy, we did decide to name this baby Lily. Lily was going to be our rainbow baby...I've also been dealing with the idea that I may never get to carry a child again, that I may never get to give Samuel the brother or sister I hoped to give him someday. I may never get to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen again or ever feel those kicks that I loved so much with Samuel. I've been dealing with many health issues that don't want to go away and living in fear as to what's going to happen next..
I saw a counselor yesterday as my first step to seek help but felt it was unsuccessful. I felt my wishes and concerns were disregarded and what was "important" to me wasn't treated as important. I left the office feeling worse than I did when I went in. I felt discouraged and unsure what the next step should be. I felt desperate to do whatever it took to find a way to get through it. I had two request when I went in:
1. I wanted to avoid medications at all cost. I was willing to do any/all the recommended "natural" ways to treat the anxiety I was dealing with.
2. I wanted to continue to nurse my son and did not want to be treated like I needed to wean him so I could take medication.
I did a ton of research today on natural approaches to treating anxiety and came across Naturopathic Medicine( http://www.naturopathic.org/ ) and decided that it might be the best approach for me. I found a Naturopathic Doctor near me and called him this afternoon. I told him a little bit about my situation and he told me that I have been through a lot of trauma in the last six months and he definitely feels that he can help me find that balance in my life again. I agreed to meet with him tomorrow morning. I am somewhat skeptical but I am much more willing to try this then medications. I have decided that writing helps me and that I need to continue to do it on a daily basis. I've also stirred away from my daily exercising but have recommitted myself to getting outside every day (whether it's cold or not) to get in some physical activity and fresh air.
I am also forcing myself to find something that I enjoy doing for myself. Neither Shannon or I do much for ourselves and I think that's important.
Last week Shannon and I finally placed the order for Matty's grave marker. It was hard but a great relief to finally do it. The man promised me to have it in by Matty's due date...November 7th. I have been having more and more gallstone attacks and met with my surgeon on Monday. I am still slightly on the fence about it but I think I've almost completely decided to have the surgery to remove my gallbladder. We went ahead and scheduled the surgery for November but was told I could reschedule/cancel it at any point. I think at this point, having it removed would be the best thing in the long run. The recurring attacks and the constant thought of having a surgery has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress though and I am ready to feel "normal" as far as all that goes.
Please keep the boys and I in your thoughts as we get through these difficult days together. I know we will come out stronger as a family but it's hard seeing that "light at the end of the tunnel" some days..
Sunday, September 2, 2012
My Heart is Broken
Here's a few pictures from this morning.
 |
| Two new little buds |
 |
| Missing you ALWAYS Matty |
In August, Shannon and I decided to cautiously try again for another baby. Much to our surprise, we found out I was pregnant on August 23rd. I had met with a new doctor the day before I got a positive home pregnancy test. My doctor so far has been wonderful and has been very proactive with doing early testing and whatnot to monitor how the pregnancy was going from the start. I had my first day of blood work done on Monday, August 27th. On Wednesday I was told that my hcg levels were 76 and my progesterone levels were 23. Everything looked good so far. I had blood drawn on Wednesday evening and again on Friday. On Wednesday my hcg results were 147. They numbers didn't quite double but I was assured that it was okay. Typically your hcg levels are suppose to double every 48-72 hours. Those were my levels after 48 hours. I had my last draw done on Friday.
I was told to call the on call doctor on Saturday to find out my results from Friday. I waited until after 2 and then had the on call doctor paged yesterday. At first she told me that she did not have access to the results and that I was given incorrect information. I was extremely disappointed because my anxiety had been through the roof since my last numbers came in. She then went on to tell me that if she had access to them at any point that day that she would call me back. About 25 minutes later she called back...
She gave me devastating news...my hcg levels dropped to 140. She said this is a sign of an impending miscarriage. My heart just stopped and I immediately began to cry. I couldn't believe this was happening again. She gave me a list of things to watch for and told me she wanted me in her office on Tuesday morning.
The last 24 hours have been rough. I just feel so heartbroken and so confused. I don't understand why this is happening AGAIN. We waited and gave my body time to heal before trying again. I lost over 15 pounds and took care of a lot of health issues to ensure that I had a healthier pregnancy this time around. I'm so angry right now.
We used ovulation test this cycle and we charted again using Fertility Friend.
 | ||||
| Positive OPK |
I got my first positive pregnancy test on August 23rd. I was only 10DPO (days past ovulation). It was pretty faint but a definite positive!
And continued to test for several days after I got my first positive...
Tomorrow I should be 5 weeks pregnant and now I just wait until things start to happen naturally. This is the worst part. This has been an incredibly stressful week.
On Wednesday, we were headed to Shannon's work and we were about a mile away from the house when someone slammed into the back of our car. We were completely stopped, waiting to turn left onto another street. It was a 35mph road but we have no idea how fast the driver was actually going. We did hear her brakes before she hit us. We haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster yet but we are almost positive that it's totaled. The other drivers insurance company has been rather difficult and caused me an immense amount of stress on Thursday and Friday of this past week. I had to deal with some very rude and inconsiderate insurance reps. I hate that we are being made out to be the "bad guys" when we didn't cause the accident! The boys and I all went to the hospital to get checked out but we were all okay. Shannon hurt his neck pretty bad but nothing serious. I got a minor scrap on my arm but no idea how! Part of me feels like the accident had/has something to do with me losing this baby now but I have been assured that it likely was not the cause. Stress is a possibility but not the accident in itself. I have been under so much stress since I found out I was pregnant because of fear of losing another one...
Poor Samuel has been having a hard time as well. He seemed okay right after the accident..he was in awe of all the police cars, ambulance and firetruck that arrived to the scene but since then he has been acting funny. I am thinking it has affected him more than I thought and now everything with this baby, I am sure he is sensing something is up/wrong...
Not sure who is still reading my blog but I'll keep you updated as I know more. Hopefully things happen sooner than later because I am having a really hard time with it right now...trying to understand God's purpose in all of this.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Three Months
It's hard to believe it's been three months already. I was trying to "emotionally" prepare myself for today but I failed miserably. I have been so angry today. Nothing has been right. Before Shannon had to go to work, I was constantly nit picking everything he did or didn't do. I have no idea why. Everything has just been wrong today. I feel so frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. It's almost like I want everyone to feel the hurt I am feeling so I am saying and doing hurtful things.
We started off the day by taking Sam to his first "official" dentist appointment. He did super well and we laughed a lot. He is such a ham and he knows it. I really don't think we could get through the "harder" days without him in our lives. After his appointment we drove out to the cemetery to visit Matty. We are still going every Sunday but we also decided to go every month on the 18th. We probably won't do this forever but will until we feel ready NOT to. It was okay at first but then it got really emotional for us both. It just really hit us....it's been THREE months.
We planted a flower on the one month anniversary and luckily the flower has stayed alive. It's been so dry this summer that I was worried it would completely die. We water it every time we visit. There is usually always one flower but sometimes the most recent flower will be withered when we visit. Today, however, there was one flower that was fully bloomed (same one for the past couple weeks), a second flower that is almost completely bloomed (should be by Sunday) and a THIRD one that is starting to bloom. There has never been THREE blooms on it at one time. I thought it was pretty amazing for there to be three today on the three month anniversary. As Samuel was watering the flowers, we saw a butterfly fluttering around us. It stuck around almost the whole time we were there.
After the cemetery, we went home so Shannon could get ready for work. We were both hurting so much and in the end, we took it out on each other. I took most of my hurt out on him though. Some days I feel like he doesn't understand. I feel like he isn't going through this with me. I know that it's not true but why do I feel this way some days? I feel like he is "over it" even though I know he is still very much hurting. Why do men and women grieve SO differently? Why do people in general grieve so differently? Should I be "OKAY" by now?
I have gone back and forth on this for weeks but I think I really need to start talking to a neutral person so I don't take out my frustrations, anger, hurt, etc on Shannon. He really is all I have and I don't want to push him away. And he is, whether I want to admit this some days or not, going through this too! We have both been struggling on and off the past three months to figure out "where do we go from here", "who are we now", " how do we move on in our lives".... Losing Matty has forever changed us and we have to be willing to accept that at some point.
Thinking of you A LOT today Matty. It's so hard to think you will never be here with us. And I think until we get past November...that it will continue to be harder for a little while.
We started off the day by taking Sam to his first "official" dentist appointment. He did super well and we laughed a lot. He is such a ham and he knows it. I really don't think we could get through the "harder" days without him in our lives. After his appointment we drove out to the cemetery to visit Matty. We are still going every Sunday but we also decided to go every month on the 18th. We probably won't do this forever but will until we feel ready NOT to. It was okay at first but then it got really emotional for us both. It just really hit us....it's been THREE months.
We planted a flower on the one month anniversary and luckily the flower has stayed alive. It's been so dry this summer that I was worried it would completely die. We water it every time we visit. There is usually always one flower but sometimes the most recent flower will be withered when we visit. Today, however, there was one flower that was fully bloomed (same one for the past couple weeks), a second flower that is almost completely bloomed (should be by Sunday) and a THIRD one that is starting to bloom. There has never been THREE blooms on it at one time. I thought it was pretty amazing for there to be three today on the three month anniversary. As Samuel was watering the flowers, we saw a butterfly fluttering around us. It stuck around almost the whole time we were there.
 |
| Bloom #2 that should be opening up soon |
 |
| Bloom #3 |
 |
| Butterfly we saw |
 |
| Picking flowers for Matty |
After the cemetery, we went home so Shannon could get ready for work. We were both hurting so much and in the end, we took it out on each other. I took most of my hurt out on him though. Some days I feel like he doesn't understand. I feel like he isn't going through this with me. I know that it's not true but why do I feel this way some days? I feel like he is "over it" even though I know he is still very much hurting. Why do men and women grieve SO differently? Why do people in general grieve so differently? Should I be "OKAY" by now?
I have gone back and forth on this for weeks but I think I really need to start talking to a neutral person so I don't take out my frustrations, anger, hurt, etc on Shannon. He really is all I have and I don't want to push him away. And he is, whether I want to admit this some days or not, going through this too! We have both been struggling on and off the past three months to figure out "where do we go from here", "who are we now", " how do we move on in our lives".... Losing Matty has forever changed us and we have to be willing to accept that at some point.
Thinking of you A LOT today Matty. It's so hard to think you will never be here with us. And I think until we get past November...that it will continue to be harder for a little while.
I love you Matty.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Trusting God
It's been a stressful week but yesterday I decided that I was going to trust God. At the end of the day, I have no control of the things that happen so why stress myself out so much?
I am doing fairly well emotionally in regards to Matty but I have been struggling with one health issue after another for almost three months. Another "concerning" health issue popped up Monday and we are still waiting for the results. Please keep my family and I in your thoughts and prayers as we get through the next several days. Praying and trusting in God for good news next week.
~Rachel~
I am doing fairly well emotionally in regards to Matty but I have been struggling with one health issue after another for almost three months. Another "concerning" health issue popped up Monday and we are still waiting for the results. Please keep my family and I in your thoughts and prayers as we get through the next several days. Praying and trusting in God for good news next week.
~Rachel~
Thursday, June 21, 2012
My Heart is Still Aching
I can't breath. The last few days have been so incredibly hard. This is suppose to be getting easier but some days I find that it's getting harder. I don't understand. I am trying to make it through this...I am trying to survive the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I haven't allowed myself to cry for the last couple weeks. I guess I was trying to be strong but as I began writing..the tears came. I miss my baby. Yesterday was nine weeks since I lost Matty and yesterday I should have been 20 weeks pregnant. Why is life so unfair sometimes?
About a week or so ago I was starting to feel OKAY for the most part but as we approached the 20 week mark, I began experiencing some more frequent anxiety spells. Thankfully nothing too severe or long lasting but enough to make me fearful of certain situations. I had some teeth pulled last Wednesday and I almost had a full blown anxiety attack while they began numbing me. I have no idea what happened. I was just scared but I am not sure what of. I have been in pain before so what was I AFRAID of? Shannon was able to get me calmed down after ten minutes and we were able to finish. I don't know what I would do without Shannon right now. God placed this man in my life and I know he is here to stay, through the good and the bad.
I've made some changes in my life in the past few weeks. I decided to take a break from some distractions in my life, one of them being Facebook. I spent entirely WAY too much time on it and was constantly checking my phone. At the end of May I joined Weight Watchers so I could start working on losing weight that I have been wanting to lose for a long time. My new OB doctor recommended it if I wanted to lose weight. I have lost over 12 pounds already. Shannon has lost 7. Shannon and I are eating meals at home now and not eating out several times a week. We had gotten in such a bad habit of eating out. I have LOVED eating at home the last several weeks with the boys. We've been making fresh, healthy, whole foods for our meals too. Eating tons of fresh fruits and vegetables, which we all LOVE!
I was very skeptical of joining Weight Watchers but I have been very impressed with the concept so far. It's not really a diet. It's a lifestyle change. It's a change you and your whole family must be willing to make, to be healthy. I am active in some way every single day. I have mostly been walking but working up to running. I've already dropped a pant size as well and almost into the next. It's definitely helping me build confidence but on the side I am still hurting.
My mouth is still sore from the teeth I had pulled so it's made it hard to eat much of anything. The first few days after I had them pulled, I wasn't able to be as active so I am thinking that is part of why I am feeling this way. I got out of the "rhythm" of things that I had started.
We looked at grave markers about two weeks ago. It was horrible. Something I never wanted to do. It's overwhelming. The guy we met with was not really helpful and we ultimately could not decide what we wanted 100%. We definitely want a butterfly next to Matty's name but the rest we can't decide. I know a lot of people may find it "weird" or "odd" to have a grave marker but it's just important. We buried our baby and I feel we need to put something there to recognize the baby we lost. It's so important to both Shannon and I. It's such a permanent decision and I feel neither of us were quite ready to make that decision. When we finally do order Matty's marker, it takes approximately a month for them to install it. I really want to make a decision soon because the grass as almost grown completely where we buried Matty.
Our friend Regina, who helped us in finding a spot to bury Matty, sent me a number of a friend who works at a memorial place. I have yet to call her though. It's just stressful and I haven't felt up to doing it yet. Maybe I am just putting it off? I know I would feel better once we did it so I don't know what my problem is....
We have continued to go out to the cemetery every Sunday and go on the month anniversary as well. It's just what we need right now. We take Samuel each time and he helps me water the flower we planted a month ago and we usually take a walk together. He can say "Matty" now and when we leave now he says "Love you Matty! Love you!" It made Shannon and I cry the first time he did this. He did it completely on his own and unprovoked. It's amazing the comprehension of a 20 month old. He knows the "spot" that Matty is buried and everything. He is also saying "Butterfly" now. He says "Bye-fly" We see butterflies EVERYWHERE now, especially on our walks. I love hearing him say it. I love that butterflies remind us of Matty and I love seeing them on a daily basis.
I've been thinking a lot about another baby. I am scared to death to even think about it. I know in my heart I want another baby but I am worried something will go wrong. I want Samuel to have a baby brother or sister to grow up with. I don't feel that I am emotionally ready to try again but will I ever be? Will apart of me always feel this way? Probably.. The other "irrational" part of me wants to try NOW. But I know I need to take the time to heal, the time to heal emotionally, the time to get my body in the best possible shape for a future pregnancy. My doctor didn't say I needed to lose weight but she told me that it would most definitely optimize my chances of having a healthy future pregnancy. I think that needs to be my focus right now. To lose weight, to get healthy and to be able to be at my "best". I don't want there to be any "what ifs" in the future. Hopefully someday I'll have a Rainbow baby...
Do you remember the box we buried Matty in? We found it at a local store called Ten Thousand Villages. We went out of town last Friday and did some window shopping at an outdoor mall there. Shannon and I both saw that they had a Ten Thousand Villages shop as well so we decided to check it out. Immediately as we entered the store, we saw handmade butterfly assortments. But nothing that really stood out. I asked the store associate if she had anything else with butterflies and she said she did not. We continued to look ahead. Shannon walked over to me with a BEAUTIFUL hand craved butterfly box. Made using the EXACT same wood as the box we used for Matty. Talk about fate. I instantly fell in love with it and had to have it. So thankful Shannon found it because it was the only one!
About a week or so ago I was starting to feel OKAY for the most part but as we approached the 20 week mark, I began experiencing some more frequent anxiety spells. Thankfully nothing too severe or long lasting but enough to make me fearful of certain situations. I had some teeth pulled last Wednesday and I almost had a full blown anxiety attack while they began numbing me. I have no idea what happened. I was just scared but I am not sure what of. I have been in pain before so what was I AFRAID of? Shannon was able to get me calmed down after ten minutes and we were able to finish. I don't know what I would do without Shannon right now. God placed this man in my life and I know he is here to stay, through the good and the bad.
I've made some changes in my life in the past few weeks. I decided to take a break from some distractions in my life, one of them being Facebook. I spent entirely WAY too much time on it and was constantly checking my phone. At the end of May I joined Weight Watchers so I could start working on losing weight that I have been wanting to lose for a long time. My new OB doctor recommended it if I wanted to lose weight. I have lost over 12 pounds already. Shannon has lost 7. Shannon and I are eating meals at home now and not eating out several times a week. We had gotten in such a bad habit of eating out. I have LOVED eating at home the last several weeks with the boys. We've been making fresh, healthy, whole foods for our meals too. Eating tons of fresh fruits and vegetables, which we all LOVE!
I was very skeptical of joining Weight Watchers but I have been very impressed with the concept so far. It's not really a diet. It's a lifestyle change. It's a change you and your whole family must be willing to make, to be healthy. I am active in some way every single day. I have mostly been walking but working up to running. I've already dropped a pant size as well and almost into the next. It's definitely helping me build confidence but on the side I am still hurting.
My mouth is still sore from the teeth I had pulled so it's made it hard to eat much of anything. The first few days after I had them pulled, I wasn't able to be as active so I am thinking that is part of why I am feeling this way. I got out of the "rhythm" of things that I had started.
We looked at grave markers about two weeks ago. It was horrible. Something I never wanted to do. It's overwhelming. The guy we met with was not really helpful and we ultimately could not decide what we wanted 100%. We definitely want a butterfly next to Matty's name but the rest we can't decide. I know a lot of people may find it "weird" or "odd" to have a grave marker but it's just important. We buried our baby and I feel we need to put something there to recognize the baby we lost. It's so important to both Shannon and I. It's such a permanent decision and I feel neither of us were quite ready to make that decision. When we finally do order Matty's marker, it takes approximately a month for them to install it. I really want to make a decision soon because the grass as almost grown completely where we buried Matty.
Our friend Regina, who helped us in finding a spot to bury Matty, sent me a number of a friend who works at a memorial place. I have yet to call her though. It's just stressful and I haven't felt up to doing it yet. Maybe I am just putting it off? I know I would feel better once we did it so I don't know what my problem is....
We have continued to go out to the cemetery every Sunday and go on the month anniversary as well. It's just what we need right now. We take Samuel each time and he helps me water the flower we planted a month ago and we usually take a walk together. He can say "Matty" now and when we leave now he says "Love you Matty! Love you!" It made Shannon and I cry the first time he did this. He did it completely on his own and unprovoked. It's amazing the comprehension of a 20 month old. He knows the "spot" that Matty is buried and everything. He is also saying "Butterfly" now. He says "Bye-fly" We see butterflies EVERYWHERE now, especially on our walks. I love hearing him say it. I love that butterflies remind us of Matty and I love seeing them on a daily basis.
I've been thinking a lot about another baby. I am scared to death to even think about it. I know in my heart I want another baby but I am worried something will go wrong. I want Samuel to have a baby brother or sister to grow up with. I don't feel that I am emotionally ready to try again but will I ever be? Will apart of me always feel this way? Probably.. The other "irrational" part of me wants to try NOW. But I know I need to take the time to heal, the time to heal emotionally, the time to get my body in the best possible shape for a future pregnancy. My doctor didn't say I needed to lose weight but she told me that it would most definitely optimize my chances of having a healthy future pregnancy. I think that needs to be my focus right now. To lose weight, to get healthy and to be able to be at my "best". I don't want there to be any "what ifs" in the future. Hopefully someday I'll have a Rainbow baby...
Do you remember the box we buried Matty in? We found it at a local store called Ten Thousand Villages. We went out of town last Friday and did some window shopping at an outdoor mall there. Shannon and I both saw that they had a Ten Thousand Villages shop as well so we decided to check it out. Immediately as we entered the store, we saw handmade butterfly assortments. But nothing that really stood out. I asked the store associate if she had anything else with butterflies and she said she did not. We continued to look ahead. Shannon walked over to me with a BEAUTIFUL hand craved butterfly box. Made using the EXACT same wood as the box we used for Matty. Talk about fate. I instantly fell in love with it and had to have it. So thankful Shannon found it because it was the only one!
Thinking of you always Matty. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
 |
| A butterfly that landed on Matty's plot |
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Vacation
Shannon went back to work a week and a half ago after being off for a week. It was an emotional week full of MRI's, traveling, anxiety attacks, crying, fighting... *sigh*
I wasn't thrilled that Shannon had to go back to work but I think we needed some space. We both had our share of emotional meltdowns and both had good moments during his vacation week. We never seemed to be HAPPY at the same time. I don't know what happened but we both decided to "fall apart" the same week. I felt like I was doing somewhat better and I guess that week proved that I am far from doing "better". I have a long ways to go before I am at a normal place.
Shannon's vacation started on May 19th and he didn't have to return to work until the 26th of May. We couldn't officially go anywhere until the 20th because I had an appointment that morning.
On May 20th I had a MRI on my brain and cervical spine. In 2007, the doctors found a non cancerous "fatty" tumor called a Lipoma on my cervical spine. It's located from my first to my third vertebrae and my neurologist isn't sure if it's actually attached to my spinal cord. The only way to know this, is to have surgery.
A few days after I miscarried, I began having headaches that gradually worsened. A "symptom" of the Lipoma is a headache located in the back, right side of my head. When the pain becomes severe, it will radiate to my neck, shoulder, arm and hand (all on the right side). My doctor wasn't sure at first why I was having pain in my head but it was later discovered that a portion of the Lipoma is lying on a nerve that is connected to the back of my head (thus causing the headaches).
My last MRI was in 2009 so both my Neurologist and I felt it was crucial to have a repeat MRI done as soon as possible. Also 2009 was the last time I had a severe headache.
The headache got pretty severe and was causing me a great deal of anxiety. I was imagining the worse. I felt it had grown and I worried that something new would be discovered. Thankfully, the headaches have subsided. For whatever reason, the hormone changes and the stress of losing Matty, triggered it. I spoke briefly with my doctor and he told me that there were no major changes. I am meeting with him at the end of this month to discuss it further.
I am terrified of MRI's. It takes about an hour to do both studies and requires you to lie flat on your back. I had to wear a football type helmet that attached to the bed. I wasn't allowed to move and had to limit my swallowing, which is a lot harder than you think! For previous scans, I took medicine to help me "relax" but I opted to do it without medicine this time around. Maybe it was stupid but I have been against anxiety medicine since I lost Matty. Luckily, I made it through without any major problems. I did have to repeat a section of the scan THREE times due to me swallowing too much towards the end. I was so grateful to be done!
After my MRI, the boys and I decided to head to Baltimore for a few days. We had decided that we would stay for four nights and just tour the area. Check out the Zoo and the Aquarium, go to a baseball game and visit the Inner Harbor. The trip there wasn't too bad. We decided to stay close to home since neither of us were up to traveling too far. It took us about three hours to get there.
Our first evening in Baltimore was pretty nice. We drove into town and parked near the Inner Harbor. However, we were shocked by the cost of parking. Nine dollars per hour!
The boys and I spent the evening walking around the harbor, eating dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and venturing up to the top of the Trade Center in Baltimore to see an amazing view of the city. We left just before dark and got lost on the way back to our hotel. Both Shannon and I got extremely stressed. Samuel was crying and wanted to get out of the car. It was awful. Thankfully we made it back after a 20 minute detour.
About an hour after we got back to our room, I started to feel really panicky. It was the worse feeling. I just wanted to go HOME at that moment. I had no idea why I started feeling that way. Looking back now, I feel that I just overdid it. Too much stressful stuff in one day. I had an MRI, we traveled three hours and spent almost three hours in downtown Baltimore, all in one day.
The next day we woke up to rain. We wanted to take Samuel to the Zoo and the Baltimore Aquarium. We were worried that rain and the Zoo would be a BAD idea. In the end, we decided to try it. The rain had pretty much stopped when we arrived to the Zoo. Soon after we entered the Zoo it started to pour. We bought an umbrella from the gift shop and decided to "tough it out". Samuel's stroller was soaked within minutes.We took a trolley to the other part of the Zoo and realized after 20 minutes or so that most of the animals were not on display. I started to get so frustrated. I had called ahead and was told that animals would be out "rain or shine". We would trek through to a display only to find it empty. The only animals we saw were a polar bear and a few barnyard animals. Even the turtles were missing!
I could handle the rain and being wet but I was so upset that we continued to walk through the rain to see nothing. We spent a total of 40 or so minutes at the Zoo before leaving. It was a complete disaster. The Zoo was run down and it seemed like the displays had been empty for a long time. There was a lot of construction like "projects" throughout the Zoo as well. After looking at reviews online after our visit, I found out that the "projects" I saw have been that way for several years now (based on previous posters). The area surrounding the Zoo wasn't the greatest either. I was very disappointed and really wonder where the revenue is going.
We had decided that morning that we were going to leave Wednesday instead of Thursday morning. When we got back to our hotel, both Shannon and I were so frustrated with the rain, with our hotel, with the zoo, with the COST of everything, that we both wanted to leave. Within an hour, we had everything packed up and decided to check out several days early. We felt stupid for leaving but with rain in the forecast for the remainder of the week, we saw no reason to stay. Shannon and I were BOTH struggling with anxiety and we were constantly arguing about stupid things. We needed to go home and in retrospect, going to a larger city was a BAD idea. We needed a break but needed to go somewhere "calming".
I absolutely LOVE traveling and going to new places but I was so happy to be home. We spent the rest of the week taking some day trips to various places. We took Samuel to the Natural Bridge Zoo, which we all loved! We got to feed giraffes, llamas, goats, etc. and there were tons and tons of monkeys! Towards the end of the week we went to an amusement park. It was Samuel's first time going. He LOVED it! There were several "tot" size rides in a kid section of the park. He rode every ride by himself and was not afraid at all! His expressions were priceless. We are planning to take him back soon to enjoy the water section of the park that just opened up.
We definitely had some good moments the week Shannon was home but we also had a lot of bad moments. Shannon and I struggled a lot. Nothing he did was RIGHT and nothing I did was RIGHT. I felt like we were fighting so much. We both missed our baby so much and just weren't able to express that to each other.
BALTIMORE
Maryland Zoo
Natural Bridge Zoo
Amusement Park
I wasn't thrilled that Shannon had to go back to work but I think we needed some space. We both had our share of emotional meltdowns and both had good moments during his vacation week. We never seemed to be HAPPY at the same time. I don't know what happened but we both decided to "fall apart" the same week. I felt like I was doing somewhat better and I guess that week proved that I am far from doing "better". I have a long ways to go before I am at a normal place.
Shannon's vacation started on May 19th and he didn't have to return to work until the 26th of May. We couldn't officially go anywhere until the 20th because I had an appointment that morning.
On May 20th I had a MRI on my brain and cervical spine. In 2007, the doctors found a non cancerous "fatty" tumor called a Lipoma on my cervical spine. It's located from my first to my third vertebrae and my neurologist isn't sure if it's actually attached to my spinal cord. The only way to know this, is to have surgery.
A few days after I miscarried, I began having headaches that gradually worsened. A "symptom" of the Lipoma is a headache located in the back, right side of my head. When the pain becomes severe, it will radiate to my neck, shoulder, arm and hand (all on the right side). My doctor wasn't sure at first why I was having pain in my head but it was later discovered that a portion of the Lipoma is lying on a nerve that is connected to the back of my head (thus causing the headaches).
My last MRI was in 2009 so both my Neurologist and I felt it was crucial to have a repeat MRI done as soon as possible. Also 2009 was the last time I had a severe headache.
The headache got pretty severe and was causing me a great deal of anxiety. I was imagining the worse. I felt it had grown and I worried that something new would be discovered. Thankfully, the headaches have subsided. For whatever reason, the hormone changes and the stress of losing Matty, triggered it. I spoke briefly with my doctor and he told me that there were no major changes. I am meeting with him at the end of this month to discuss it further.
I am terrified of MRI's. It takes about an hour to do both studies and requires you to lie flat on your back. I had to wear a football type helmet that attached to the bed. I wasn't allowed to move and had to limit my swallowing, which is a lot harder than you think! For previous scans, I took medicine to help me "relax" but I opted to do it without medicine this time around. Maybe it was stupid but I have been against anxiety medicine since I lost Matty. Luckily, I made it through without any major problems. I did have to repeat a section of the scan THREE times due to me swallowing too much towards the end. I was so grateful to be done!
After my MRI, the boys and I decided to head to Baltimore for a few days. We had decided that we would stay for four nights and just tour the area. Check out the Zoo and the Aquarium, go to a baseball game and visit the Inner Harbor. The trip there wasn't too bad. We decided to stay close to home since neither of us were up to traveling too far. It took us about three hours to get there.
Our first evening in Baltimore was pretty nice. We drove into town and parked near the Inner Harbor. However, we were shocked by the cost of parking. Nine dollars per hour!
The boys and I spent the evening walking around the harbor, eating dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and venturing up to the top of the Trade Center in Baltimore to see an amazing view of the city. We left just before dark and got lost on the way back to our hotel. Both Shannon and I got extremely stressed. Samuel was crying and wanted to get out of the car. It was awful. Thankfully we made it back after a 20 minute detour.
About an hour after we got back to our room, I started to feel really panicky. It was the worse feeling. I just wanted to go HOME at that moment. I had no idea why I started feeling that way. Looking back now, I feel that I just overdid it. Too much stressful stuff in one day. I had an MRI, we traveled three hours and spent almost three hours in downtown Baltimore, all in one day.
The next day we woke up to rain. We wanted to take Samuel to the Zoo and the Baltimore Aquarium. We were worried that rain and the Zoo would be a BAD idea. In the end, we decided to try it. The rain had pretty much stopped when we arrived to the Zoo. Soon after we entered the Zoo it started to pour. We bought an umbrella from the gift shop and decided to "tough it out". Samuel's stroller was soaked within minutes.We took a trolley to the other part of the Zoo and realized after 20 minutes or so that most of the animals were not on display. I started to get so frustrated. I had called ahead and was told that animals would be out "rain or shine". We would trek through to a display only to find it empty. The only animals we saw were a polar bear and a few barnyard animals. Even the turtles were missing!
I could handle the rain and being wet but I was so upset that we continued to walk through the rain to see nothing. We spent a total of 40 or so minutes at the Zoo before leaving. It was a complete disaster. The Zoo was run down and it seemed like the displays had been empty for a long time. There was a lot of construction like "projects" throughout the Zoo as well. After looking at reviews online after our visit, I found out that the "projects" I saw have been that way for several years now (based on previous posters). The area surrounding the Zoo wasn't the greatest either. I was very disappointed and really wonder where the revenue is going.
We had decided that morning that we were going to leave Wednesday instead of Thursday morning. When we got back to our hotel, both Shannon and I were so frustrated with the rain, with our hotel, with the zoo, with the COST of everything, that we both wanted to leave. Within an hour, we had everything packed up and decided to check out several days early. We felt stupid for leaving but with rain in the forecast for the remainder of the week, we saw no reason to stay. Shannon and I were BOTH struggling with anxiety and we were constantly arguing about stupid things. We needed to go home and in retrospect, going to a larger city was a BAD idea. We needed a break but needed to go somewhere "calming".
I absolutely LOVE traveling and going to new places but I was so happy to be home. We spent the rest of the week taking some day trips to various places. We took Samuel to the Natural Bridge Zoo, which we all loved! We got to feed giraffes, llamas, goats, etc. and there were tons and tons of monkeys! Towards the end of the week we went to an amusement park. It was Samuel's first time going. He LOVED it! There were several "tot" size rides in a kid section of the park. He rode every ride by himself and was not afraid at all! His expressions were priceless. We are planning to take him back soon to enjoy the water section of the park that just opened up.
We definitely had some good moments the week Shannon was home but we also had a lot of bad moments. Shannon and I struggled a lot. Nothing he did was RIGHT and nothing I did was RIGHT. I felt like we were fighting so much. We both missed our baby so much and just weren't able to express that to each other.
BALTIMORE
Natural Bridge Zoo
Amusement Park
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)