In January of this year, my husband Shannon and I decided to start trying for baby #2. We
wanted there to be at least a two year age gap between our son, Samuel and a new baby. Our first
month of trying was a bust because Shannon was out of town training for a new job.
It had taken Shannon and I nearly four years to conceive Samuel on our own so we
expected it to take awhile. I had a period on January 22nd and decided to chart
my temperatures everyday. I used a site called Fertility Friend to keep track of everything. I ovulate late and the only way for us to know if I'm
getting ready to ovulate, is to use OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and then use my body basal temperatures to confirm that I
did indeed ovulate. It's a tedious process but it's the only way.
On February 13th I got my
first positive on an OPK. And got another one on February 14th.
Within a week or so after I ovulated I
felt different. I started driving myself crazy because I wanted to know "WAS I REALLY PREGNANT?" I decided to
test on February 29th so that it would be definite at that point whether or not I was. I didn't want
to torture myself by testing too early.
I feel I knew I was pregnant right away but I made myself crazy thinking maybe I really wasn't. I couldn't
sleep the whole night before I tested and ended up testing at 5:30 a.m.! I
prayed and then
I peed on a stick, set it down and IMMEDIATELY two lines popped up. I started
crying. I was SO happy.
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| I couldn't believe that the test line was DARKER than the control line! |
This was the first time I had taken a test at home and
it was positive. I instantly ran to wake Shannon up! I scared him but once he realized what I was telling him, he started to cry too. It was a
very emotional moment for us. We never imagined in a million years that it would
be this EASY or that it would happen on the second month of trying! This baby was our little Valentine's Day baby!
A couple hours later we drove to my moms house to tell her the news and then we called my sister. They
both knew we were trying again and we had to share our news with someone. One of my good friends, Misty also figured out that I was pregnant soon after because she also knew we were
trying again.
Since I was only 4 weeks pregnant on the 29th, we had decided to wait to tell the rest of our families and friends until a later date. I scheduled my first appointment for March 16th.
Within a day or so of finding
out I was pregnant, morning sickness began. It started out with nausea that
gradually got more and more severe. By my first appointment I had already been
prescribed medication for the morning sickness (Zofran) and had lost three pounds. It was
awful but I took it as a sign that everything was OKAY.
On March 16th we saw our little bean for the very first time. The baby measured
6 weeks and 2 days. My expected due date was November 7th and our baby's heartbeat was 124 bpm. My mom, Shannon and Samuel were
there. I'll always remember seeing my little beans heart beating before I even saw the baby as a whole. My first
appointment went well and everything seemed fine. They scheduled my next appointment for April 18th.
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| Our Little Bean on March 16th |
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| 6 Weeks and 2 Days |
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| Heartbeat 124 BMP |
A few days following my first appointment I had some very light brown spotting
when I wiped. It concerned me so I called the doctor. The nurse reassured me
that it was completely normal. She then went on to tell me that if I have bright red
bleeding or cramping to call back immediately. I had a vaginal ultrasound for my
first appointment + a pelvic exam so sometimes it CAN cause a little spotting.
I did have a tiny tiny bit of brown spotting after my first appointment with Samuel
so I decided everything was fine and not to worry.
A week later I had more spotting ( exactly the same). I was really concerned at this point because I had only spotted the ONE time with Samuel and now this was the second time. I called doctor again, she
assured me everything was fine and told me again the things to be concerned
about.
Morning sickness continued to be awful. I had severe nausea as well as throwing
up. For whatever reason my body was rejecting all the medicines so for the most part I didn't take them. The Zofran would help for about an hour and then completely wore off. I was only allowed to take it every 12 hours so it became pointless to take. Some days it actually made me feel WORSE after taking it. I was later prescribed Phenergan but couldn't take it during the day because it caused drowsiness. There was no way I could take it because I had a 17 month old to take care of during the day.
Life started to become challenging because of how sick I was becoming. I was barely able to make myself something to eat and it was becoming harder and harder to care for Samuel. There were lots of days that we ate PB & J sandwiches or other simply things for our meals. I was unable to make any hot foods because my senses were too strong and I would immediately throw up if something smelled to strong. I had a heightened sense of smell (much worse than I did with Samuel) and the thought of most foods made me feel sick, especially meat. Motion made me feel sick and textures were awful as well. I hated being SO sick and I felt that I was taking away from Samuel because I was unable to leave the house most days. Television was becoming our entertainment. If you know me, I am not a big TV watcher and up to this point Samuel had watched VERY little TV. I knew in the end all this would be worth it. Samuel still seemed happy and I think I was worried about it more than I should of been. I felt that my baby was growing and me being sick, meant my baby was healthy. Everything I've every been told and everything I've ever read has said "Morning sickness is a good sign", "Being REALLY sick means healthy babies"..
On April 9th I called and made an appointment with the doctor because the morning sickness was becoming unbearable and nothing was helping. I tried eating something every hour on the hour, ate very bland foods, tried natural remedies, tried medications, tried everything! I was losing weight and just felt horrible. When I went in that morning I was informed that I had lost 4 more pounds. The doctor was very concerned about my weight loss and how sick I had become. He immediately got on the phone so I could be sent to the treatment center at the hospital to get re-hydrated and get medicine in a shot form. He told me that often times this was a "boost" for pregnant women who are enduring the worst form of morning sickness. He told me I wouldn't feel 100% better but I could function. Before leaving the doctors office, I said to my doctor, "I know that it's usually a good sign to be this sick but is it ever a BAD sign to be this sick?" He responded with a "No".
Shannon, Samuel and I spent the next 6 hours in the hospital while I got IV fluids and a shot of Phenergan. I started to feel a lot better but felt incredibly drowsy and drugged. Around 5:30 p.m. I was discharged. I felt OKAY but again felt so tired. I actually kept falling asleep in the car on the way home. After getting home I threw up around 6:45 p.m. I felt awful and pretty much went to bed for the night. I was so frustrated that we had wasted the entire day in the hospital and that I felt worse. Thankfully Shannon was home to take care of Samuel and it made it possible for me to just go to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and had the severe nausea still. On top of the nausea I felt like I had a terrible hangover from the medicine from the day before. I was so confused and didn't understand why I wasn't feeling even SLIGHTLY better.
The next several days were okay but I was still pretty sick as far as morning sickness went. I had some unusual spotting on Friday (Odd orange color) but the doctor didn't seem concerned. I thought it was possible that I had a UTI but wasn't really having any other symptoms. The nurse told me if it continued, to call on Monday morning. I also told her that I had lost another 3.5 pounds since seeing the doctor on Monday the 9th.
On Sunday evening, April 15th I had the brown spotting again and swore there was a tiny bit of
red mixed in. However, each time I wiped afterward, was just brown. I thought maybe I just convinced
myself that I saw some red and really didn't. I was also having some very mild cramps in my pelvic area. They felt similar to the normal "tugging" and "pulling" sensations you have as your baby grows but it was much more noticeable. I called the doctor on call anyways but she never called me back. I then called the nurse line through our insurance company and based on what I told her, she felt everything was OKAY. She told me around 11 weeks your uterus begins to move/shift from your pelvic area to your abdomen so I felt this could be the cause of the cramps/discomfort. Both Shannon and I felt that we were okay to wait until the morning to go in.
The following morning I
called doctor again. The nurse reassured me again that brown was fine. I told her I
had lost more weight and that the cramping wasn't severe but just didn't seem
"normal". She tried to find an opening on the schedule but couldn't find any openings before my scheduled
appointment on Wednesday. The brown spotting continued throughout the day (again only when I wiped). I felt like something was "off" but everyone else was telling me that it was FINE. I actually called a local birthing center and set up a tour for the next day. I was getting frustrated with my OB office and was looking into transferring somewhere new. My plan was to make it to my appointment Wednesday and then go somewhere new.
Later that night...
At 8 p.m.
Monday night I felt a little more crampy. I almost felt like I was getting ready to "start" my period. I went to the bathroom and it was brown and then I wiped a
second time and it was red. Not BRIGHT red but not dark red either but somewhere in between. Since I am A-, it's important for me to be seen immediately with any red bleeding because I have to go get a shot of RhoGAM to prevent mixing of blood.
Shannon and I immediately called my mom, took Samuel
to her house and went straight to the hospital. I knew in my heart my worst fear
had come true. Shannon remained optimistic and tried to keep me positive but I was so scared.
I was 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant and according to hospital rules, I had to be
seen in the E.R.
Shannon and I sat in the waiting room for over an hour. My mind
was racing and the wait was killing me. I needed to know that my baby was OKAY.
Finally they called us back. We saw a nurse first and she told us the doctor
would probably be in to see us in the next half an hour. However, five minutes later she
appeared. She quickly order blood work, a pelvic exam and an ultrasound . She didn't seem overly concerned at this point. She did a
pelvic exam first and based on the exam, she said everything looked NORMAL and that my cervix was good
and closed. She did see a little bit of blood though so I definitely needed a
RhoGAM shot either way. Knowing my cervix was still closed gave me a glimmer of
hope that everything was okay.
The ultrasound tech came in soon after. She was very positive and had a great
attitude. This really helped me to remain calm and positive. When the baby popped up on the screen, I immediately saw a lifeless baby. My eyes stayed glued to the screen hoping to see a heartbeat and I couldn't see a heartbeat. Panic set in and I said to the technician " I don't
see my baby's heartbeat, where is it, I don't see it.." I began to
cry as I saw my sweet, lifeless baby just floating. The tech kept trying to calm me down and told me that sometimes it's hard to find the heartbeat. Shannon was still holding on to this but I KNEW. She stopped looking for the heartbeat and began to measure the baby. Down in the right corner of the screen I saw " 7 weeks and 6
days". I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my sweet baby had died. The tears
got worse and at that point Shannon knew and he began to cry too . It was the
worse feeling in the entire world. She continued to measure things for the next 10
minutes as we sat there crying.We were both so confused. How did this happen? I had been SO sick. I had felt like something was "wrong" for weeks but kept telling myself "I'm sick, I'm sick, this means I am OKAY." Doctors kept reassuring us that everything was OKAY.
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| No Heartbeat |
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| Measuring 7 weeks & 6 days |
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| Our Angel Baby |
After the ultrasound tech left our room, a nurse came in to draw blood (to confirm that I was A-) and to give me IV fluids (no idea why). At that point I just wanted to go HOME. Right after the nurse left, the doctor came in to talk to me about the ultrasound. I knew the results before she did but she wanted to discuss it further with me. She told me that even though the baby measured at 7 weeks and 6 days that there is no way to know exactly when the baby died. It could have been growing slowly for weeks and just died or it could of died then. There is no way to ever know. She told me that it was possible that I was going to have to have a D&C to remove the baby and that terrified me. She told us how sorry she was for our loss and left. About an hour later someone came in to administer the RhoGAM shot. I had to wait another 20 minutes and then FINALLY shortly after 1 a.m. I was discharged. I felt so incredibly numb when I left the hospital. All Shannon and I wanted to do was to hold Samuel. When we to my moms and saw Samuel, we just cried. Emotions started to overwhelm us as we began to think about all things that were never going to happen.
Thankfully as soon as we got home, we all went to sleep. I think we were still in a state of shock at that point. The next morning we woke up and it really started to hit us. I think we BOTH were hoping that it was all just a bad dream. Our baby was gone. Everything in the house reminded us of the baby that we would never get to hold or love. We had started to make plans and began imagining Samuel as a big brother. I was devastated, we were both devastated.
About a week before we were told we lost the baby we had chosen names. We weren't set on middle names yet but we had decided that if the baby was a girl, her name would be Emma and if it was a boy, his name would be Matthew. It broke my heart that I would never know if my baby was a BOY or a GIRL. It didn't matter but I wanted to know.
I spent the majority of the day worrying about the next step. I wasn't sure if I was going to have surgery, if I would miscarry naturally or what. At this point my body wasn't showing any "real" signs that my body was going to on it's own. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about having to have surgery. But I feared I wasn't going to have a choice.
I had a tiny bit of spotting throughout the day but nothing else too concerning. I called my OB and they told me to keep my appointment for Wednesday and that we would discuss the next step then. I was so scared. I started reading all sorts of things on the internet.."What to expect" "Pros & Cons of D&C" "Miscarrying Naturally" Etc..I think I ended up freaking myself out more than anything.
The Miscarriage (The following is very graphic and may be hard for some to read)
Shortly after midnight, I was laying in bed with Shannon while Samuel played. Suddenly I felt this weird sensation (like something was coming). I ran to the bathroom and a tiny "gush" of fluid came out. It was literally droplets. The weirdest thing ever. I am guessing now that it was the water "breaking". About 5 seconds later I passed my baby. I had no idea what to expect in reality but I had done some research on the size of an "8 week baby". According to what I found, it was expected to be around the size of a kidney bean. Sure enough, my baby was exactly that size. At this point I wasn't bleeding yet. Complete panic had set in because Shannon and I had no idea what to do. Neither us could flush our baby down the toilet! Would you?!
It was very distinguishable as a baby. You wouldn't believe the amount of stuff I have seen online and how people don't think you can even tell its' a baby at this stage. That is totally UNTRUE. Our baby looked very much like the ultrasound pictures above and was very much a BABY. The head was slightly bigger than the rest of the body. He had hands and feet. You could see where the heart was. Where the eye buds were. Eyes hadn't developed yet. The placenta was still attached to the baby and you could very visibly see an umbilical cord. I never imagined that I would ever see a baby this size. It's hard to imagine a baby EVER being that size. I couldn't believe it was OUR baby. Shannon and I hadn't decided what we were going to do with the baby but we knew for certain we weren't going to flush our baby or throw him/her away.
We found a sterile container and placed the baby inside with sterile water. I felt like we were crazy but we had no idea what to do. What would you have of done?
About 10 minutes after I passed the baby I began bleeding very heavily. Without being too detailed or graphic, I basically could NOT leave the toilet. Five minutes later the power went out. Talk about TIMING? I remained in the bathroom and around 1 a.m. I started to feel really sick. I was losing a lot of blood. I called the OB on call and he told me that I would bleed a lot but if it got really bad and if I started to feel lightheaded or dizzy that I needed to come in.
Meanwhile, Shannon was trying to keep Samuel calm while the power was out. We couldn't find a lighter or candles. It was awful. But Shannon was managing him the best he could under the circumstances. Around 1:20 the power came back on and Shannon was able to get Samuel to sleep by rocking him. A little while later I felt like things were "slowing" down enough that I could get up. I went downstairs, got a drink of water and a cereal bar. I wanted to put something on my stomach because I was feeling SO sick.
I came back upstairs and laid down with Shannon. Five minutes later I felt another sensation. As soon as I got up..there was blood everywhere. I was losing a ton of blood. I got to the bathroom and things got really bad. Shannon striped the bed and woke Samuel back up. Around 2 a.m. I got up to get Shannon and I felt this immense feeling that I was going to pass out. I have felt lightheaded before but nothing like this. It actually scared me to the point that I told Shannon to call 911. I felt like something was wrong. In the process of striping the bed, my phone got misplaced. Shannon began panicking and I was trying hard to remain calm. I slowly put on a gown and walked downstairs. I went outside hoping the air would help..I knocked on our neighbors door so they could call 911.No one answered. Shannon ran outside, with the phone in his hand and told me to get in the car. He quickly grabbed Samuel and he drove us to the hospital. He turned his flashers on and quickly drove to the hospital. He drove through each red light (when safe to) to get us there faster.
I called my mom on the way and told her to meet us at the hospital. We arrived at the hospital at 2:23 a.m. Shannon quickly got an attendant to get a wheel chair. Thankfully Shannon had placed a large blanket down in the car because as soon as I got up, blood was everywhere. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Fortunately no one treated me the way I was feeling. Everyone was quick and attentive. They told me to stop worrying about it and that everything was going to be FINE. They checked me in, took my vitals and took me immediately to a room.
About 5 female nurses came in to help me get moved to the bed. They helped me change my clothes and laid mats down on the bed. They were very sensitive to the matter and were very careful in getting me to the bed. The intensity of the panic had become intolerable. I am not sure if the feelings of passing out did it or if it was the sight of blood or seeing my baby or what. Everything was happening so fast and everything that was happening seemed so UNREAL. My blood pressure kept dropping and then it would go back up. Then it would drop again and then go back up. It did this for hours. About five minutes after I got to my room, a big accident had happened and took the attention of all the doctors in the E.R. Nurses were checking on my constantly. Usually my experiences in the E.R. aren't the best but for the most part, I was impressed with their attentiveness and their compassion.
Poor Samuel was great through it all. He was wide awake and super concerned for his mommy. Grandma (my mom) soon arrived and he went instantly to her. She took him on walks, played with him, got him snacks and just let him sit on her lap while they watched TV. I am incredibly thankful she was there.
The nurses continued to monitor my blood pressure and hooked me up to a heart monitor because they wanted to make sure nothing else was going on.I was really short of breath and just feeling extreme panic.
The doctor came in about an hour later after I arrived to my room. He did a pelvic exam and confirmed that my cervix was open. He also ordered several blood test. I was still bleeding pretty heavy but things had definitely slowed down. He then told us that he was going to call the OB doctor on call to see what the next step was going to be. I was so worried that I was still going to have to have a D&C.
When the doctor returned awhile later, he told me that I was going to need a shot of Methergine to help with the bleeding and that I would have to take one tablet every 4 hours (taking a total of 10 pills). I was also told that Methergine was known to cause uterine contractions and that sometimes it could be quite painful. They were also going to give me pain medication if and when I needed it. At that point I hadn't taken anything for pain. He also told me that I still needed to go to my appointment that was later that day (1:30 p.m.) to see my OB.
Since it looked like things were under control and that I would be going home in the next hour or so, my mom decided to go home. It was around 5:15 a.m. It was at least another 15 minutes until I got the shot of Methergine (which was not very fun). I then had to be monitored for the next hour or so to see how my body responded.
I attempted to nurse Samuel but he was scared of all the stuff mommy was hooked up to. I told Shannon to try to rock Samuel to sleep and just rest with him while we waited. Shannon was being wonderful and I knew he was VERY concerned about me. I am so incredibly thankful that Shannon is my husband and I am truly grateful every day for him.
About 2-3 minutes later Samuel was out and Shannon soon followed... I had my phone beside me and couldn't help taking a picture of my very tired boys..
After about an hour the contractions started. Nothing too severe though and nothing I couldn't handle. They were very sporadic and didn't last long. Around 7 a.m. I was given the OKAY to leave. However, I had a major problem..NO CLEAN BOTTOMS to wear home. How embarrassing AGAIN. I had the kindest nurse (which was a male-it's important to know sex). I told him this and asked if he could possibly get me some of the undies that they give you after you have a baby from the Labor & Delivery floor. I also told him that I would need something to put down (ie. a pad). He told me he could bring me a pair of disposable scrub pants to wear home as well. He came back with the undies and the pants BUT no pads. I just giggled (for the first time that day) and explained to him in the best way possible that I needed a pad. I think I may of embarrassed him because he came back with a girl nurse and said "I found someone who is more familiar with this department.."
When I was finally dressed and ready to go, it was almost 7:30. My sweet boy was
still asleep. Shannon carried him out to the car and I asked him to pick me up
at the door. I will never forgot the emptiness I felt when I walked
outside the hospital doors. It was raining and the cool air immediately touched my
face. Tears started streaming down my face. My baby was gone. I got in the car
and we drove home through the rain.
When we got home, we decided to go to sleep for a couple hours. I set the alarm for 9:30 because I needed Shannon to pick up some medicines that I was going to need. Samuel and I stayed at home and continued
to sleep as Shannon went to the pharmacy. After Shannon got home from town, he went back to sleep with us and we all ended up sleeping until after noon (including Samuel). I was thankful for the rest but had to get up every 30 minutes to check on things and but was thankful the
medicine seemed to be helping.
Soon after we got up, we knew we had to make a decision in regards to our baby. We
talked about getting testing done to see if we could find out if anything was
genetically wrong with the baby but ultimately decided against it because we
knew we wouldn't get our baby back. Often times results come back inconclusive and
it just wasn't worth it to us.
In the end, we decided that we would bury our baby somehow but had no idea
where or how. We didn't know who to turn to but suddenly a name came into my
mind. Regina. She had lost her baby girl, Sadie nearly five years ago and later started a foundation, The Sadie Rose Foundation to help others who have experienced a loss of a child.
I had no idea if she had ever dealt with anything like this but I figured she
would be the best person to ask. And she was.
I sent her an email explaining the situation and if she had any recommendations
or suggestions.
We got ready for my appointment at 1:30 and headed there. When we arrived, it was so painful to see pictures of babies up on the wall and to be surrounded by moms who were still carrying their babies. It wasn't a jealous feeling, just a painful reminder that my baby was gone. It was no longer a joyous feeling being there as it once was. While we waited to be called back I checked my messages. I started to cry as I read a message from Regina. She was responding to the message I had sent earlier and informed us that we had some options in where we could bury our baby. I had been so worried about where we were going to bury our baby that it gave me some relief to know we now had some options.
A minute after reading her message I got called back. I had another ultrasound first to confirm that I indeed passed the baby (I already knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had) and to make sure I passed everything I was suppose to at that point. Everything was progressing the way it was supposed to and I was so thankful that I would not need surgery.
My doctor had no answers for me and told me it was very common for women to have one or even two miscarriages, and it be "normal". She gave me a
prescription for anxiety medicine in case I needed it and I scheduled a follow up appointment for two weeks. As I was scheduling the appointment, a nurse who I
frequently spoke to on the phone ran out to me and hugged me. She told me she was sorry and we just cried.
As soon as we left the doctors office, I told Shannon to head to a jewelry store so I could buy a charm for my Pandora bracelet. My Pandora bracelet is very special to me and each charm on it, represents something special to me. I really wanted to get a charm that would remind me of my baby that I lost. The charm I choose was a Forget Me Knot.
Neither of us felt like eating but we knew we needed to at least get something for Samuel. After we got some lunch we went to my moms house. We picked her up so she could come over and spend some time with Samuel. It was nice for Shannon and I to have a little time to ourselves while she took him on a walk.
I reread the messages from Regina once we got home. She told me that her church was willing to donate a plot to us so we could bury our baby. If we weren't okay with that option, she was willing to call some friends to see if we could bury our sweet baby on their property. We never imagined burying our baby in a cemetery but neither of us were comfortable with doing it on someone's land. Shannon and I both felt the cemetery was ultimately the best idea. She also sent us some information on naming our baby. We both had been thinking about this a lot but had no idea what to name our baby since we didn't know the sex yet.
We continued to email Regina back and forth for the rest of the day. She did ALL the work, made all the phone calls, did EVERYTHING. She really took a huge load off of us. We had a hard time deciding what we were going to bury our baby in at first but we decided that we would find a small wooden box to put our baby in. Since the baby was SO tiny, I didn't like the idea of using a casket to bury our baby in, nor did Shannon. The next step was making sure that we could bury the baby without a casket or vault. By the end of the night Regina emailed us and told us that as long as the box was smaller than an cremation urn, that we could bury our baby at the cemetery. It was such a relief to know that we could still use the plot. We were starting to worry that if we didn't choose to use a casket/vault that we would not be able to bury our baby at this particular cemetery. Even though we had some obstacles to figure out, by the end of the night we had a place to bury our baby 100%. I truly feel God had a hand in figuring out all the details because in the end, it all worked out perfectly. I will be forever grateful to Regina for everything she did.
The following day..
It was decided that our Angel Baby would be buried in a beautiful heart
shaped box and then that box would be placed into another box. The heart shaped box belonged to my mother but was given to her as a gift from me years ago. We got up early that morning to get the box from my mom before searching our for the wooden box.
As we stood in the parking lot talking to my mom, we started discussing names. Shannon
started writing down variations of names we had discussed and he found the perfect name. We would use the initials E & M. E for Emma and M for Matthew. We then decided we would call our baby Matty.
And so it was decided that our baby's name would be E.M. "Matty" Bolton
Our baby now had a name, Matty.
We left my moms shortly after we had chosen a name to search for the box. I had envisioned in my mind the PERFECT box. But I never imagined it would be so hard to find. We checked the local farmer's markets and checked some other local stores. No luck. I was still hurting physically and emotionally so after awhile of searching we went home. I started searching on the computer and came across the website for Ten Thousand Villages. I called the store and described what I was looking for. The lady on the phone began describing boxes she had and I felt she described perfectly what I was searching for. We got in the car and headed there. I was shown several boxes and finally the sales associate showed us the box she described on the phone. It was a beautifully carved, wooden box made from shesham trees in India. It was perfect. Luckily they had two of the same boxes. They were slightly different but carved using the same design. One box was a little lighter in color and one was slightly darker. Each box had a flower on top but one had a larger flower and the other was a tad smaller. I decided to buy both. One to bury Matty in and one to keep everything that reminded me of Matty in. I wanted us to have the same box. We chose to bury Matty in the lighter colored box.
We met Regina at the cemetery at 6 p.m. that evening so she could show us where the plot was. It was decided that we would bury Matty on Friday morning, in private. She arrange for someone to come out early Friday morning to dig a hole for us so we didn't have to worry about that. On the way to the cemetery I was so worried I wouldn't like where it was located but it was PERFECT. The cemetery is located in a beautiful spot in the country. It's peaceful and I know when I want to visit Matty, I'll be comfortable going. As Regina and I talked, Samuel ran and played as daddy chased him. Samuel had gone through so much with mommy and daddy the days before and really hadn't had much time to be a TODDLER. Regina made me feel like we were making the best decision by burying Matty and that it was the right decision. Regina, my mom and my sister were and are the only ones who knew I had Matty and that we had made the decision to bury him or her. We were so afraid of ridicule or someone criticizing us for our decision to do what we knew was RIGHT. I know people still may be negative about it but I personally could never EVER knowingly flush my baby.
Saying Goodbye to Our Angel Baby Matty....
Friday, April 20th, 2012
We arrived at the cemetery at 11 a.m. We had planned to be there much earlier but our day had started out rough. It seemed that everything that could possibly go wrong, was going wrong. There were a few special things we wanted to place in the box with Matty. Shannon had found a blanket the night before to line the larger box with and to place a small piece of the blanket in the heart shaped box so we could wrap Matty in it. We had also decided to put the same Forget Me Knot charm in the box that I had, a wooden carved cross, some pictures, several letters we had written the night before and a small stuffed animal. On Thursday evening we were still unable to find a stuffed animal.
We got up super early Friday morning because we needed to find a stuffed animal, pick up pictures, find a battery for my camera and pick up flowers before heading to the cemetery. We searched everywhere for a stuffed animal but were unsuccessful in finding something. I was so disappointed. We had to wait until 10 a.m. before Best Buy opened to buy a battery so that delayed us even longer. After we got the battery, we headed to Costco to pick up my pictures. I had placed a 1-hour photo order two nights before. Shannon came back out without pictures in his hand. He informed me that their computers had been down for several days and that our pictures wouldn't be ready for pick up until Sunday. I started to cry. We didn't have time to go home, upload pictures and then pick them up an hour or so later somewhere else. I know we probably could have waited until Saturday to do everything but I was ready to bury our baby.
We drove towards the cemetery and stopped at a flower shop on the way. Shannon got four white carnations.
I was so upset and very emotional when we got to the cemetery. We didn't have the pictures and we didn't have the stuffed animal. It was SO important to me that we had pictures with our baby. It was a little cold when we got out of the car and windy. Samuel had fallen asleep in the car so we go everything out while he slept. I started to cry because I felt everything was wrong. I am not sure what changed my attutude but I suddenly decided that it was OKAY.
I took several pictures of the boxes together before we placed Matty in the heart shaped box. We each carefully held Matty in our hands for a moment. Our baby was definitely an angel and was so tiny in our hands. I choose to take a few pictures of Matty but those will forever be private for Shannon and I. I went back and forth on whether or I should take pictures and I ultimately decided that I would regret later if I didn't. We carefully placed Matty on the tiny blanket before placing him or her inside the heart shaped box.
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| Before we placed Matty inside |
Samuel had finally woken up and we all sat down around the grave to read our letters to Matty. The sun was really shinning now and the chill in the air had left. It was beautiful out. Shannon read his letter first, followed by a poem that he had wrote. I read my letter next and then we let Samuel "read" his. He drew Matty a special picture and traced his hand as well. It was a very emotional moment for us all. We cried a lot. After we sat for awhile we decided it was time to say goodbye to our sweet angel. We carefully sealed the heart shaped box and then carefully placed that inside the wooden box. We sealed that box as well.
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| Daddy reading a beautiful letter that he wrote for Matty |
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| Forever in our HEARTS |
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| Daddy holding Matty |
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| Samuel telling Matty goodbye |
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| The Littlest Angel written by Shannon the night before we buried Matty |
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| Kissing Matty |
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| Our Angel Baby Matty |
We said our goodbyes and gently lowered our Angel Baby into the hole. I placed a white carnation on top of the box and the boys began to cover the hole with dirt. I helped too but they did most of the work. I was filled with so many emotions as our baby was completely covered with dirt. After the hole was completely filled and covered, we each laid a white carnation down for Matty. We sat in a circle and just prayed. It was a very moving, peaceful moment for us. We cried a lot more but we knew this was goodbye...at least for now.
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| Goodbye for now our Angel |
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| We will NEVER forget you Matty |
The Littlest Angel
The angels have taken you too soon,
I haven't even held you.
The angels took you too soon,
I never told you "I love you".
You are with the angels now,
they needed you with them.
You are an angel now,
To watch over me.
The littlest angel,
With big white wings.
You look like a butterfly,
Such a beautiful baby.
They need you in heave,
I can't keep you here.
Now fly up to heave,
I will see you when I get there.
Love,
Daddy
E.M. "Matty" B.
4.18.12
Forever in our HEARTS
Mommy, Daddy and Samuel will LOVE you forever.
