Anxiety

Have you ever experienced that intense, sudden feeling of panic? That is sometimes SO intense that you feel like something is seriously wrong? Possibly to the point that you feel like your dying or something is wrong with your health (even though you know everything is okay)??

At points the intensity increases so much that it can become difficult to breath or even function...or sleep. It's quite possibly one of the worse feelings you'll experience. It's awful and I would never ever wish it on anyone.

I've been doing alright as far as anxiety goes the past couple weeks but out of the blue last night it hit me. I wasn't really thinking about anything so I am not sure what exactly triggered it. It may of been a television show I was watching but I could not tell you for sure if that was the actual cause. Thankfully Shannon was in tune to me last night and was there for me the entire night. I really do not know what I would do without him. He has been there through so much and continues to be there.

I had my "first panic attack over four years ago. Like the one last night, it came somewhat out of the blue. I had been struggling with some mild depression so I am sure it stemmed from that too but I remember just lying in bed and then it just struck me. I had no idea what was happening and I seriously thought something physically was wrong with me. Luckily I have come a long way since my very first attack and I am able to handle them a lot better than I did that night.

Around the time I got pregnant with Samuel in 2010, I completely stopped having them and continued through my pregnancy with no issues. Both Shannon and I were concerned that they would possibly return once winter hit and I had a newborn but thankfully, they stayed away. However, since I lost Matty, they have returned but have come and gone with each loss.

When I started this blog in April, I started it mainly to deal with some of the emotions I was dealing with but also to help cope with the anxiety. I didn't want to allow it to take over my life. I wanted to deal with it on my own and as naturally as possible. I do feel it has helped me tremendously and when I really think about things, I am doing way better than I would be doing four years ago. I'm handling it. Maybe some days are harder than others but I have not let it completely take over. I am trying to be as proactive as I can and constantly trying to find new ways to cope that are healthy and effective. Just some days are exhausting and I let the anxiety get the better end of me.

I truly feel working through my grief and the anxiety that comes with it, will only make me stronger and able to get through things better. In the past I took medicine but I don't think it ever really helped me overcome it. It mostly covered up how I felt. I need to start working through some of my past, in order to heal and move forward. I feel the anxiety will continue to come back until I do.

Shannon and I had a hard time when I first struggled with anxiety because he didn't understand it and honestly he didn't believe it was an actual condition. After losing Matty and then suffering two more losses in eight month period, he now understands what it feels like. He knows how debilitating it can be and really struggled with it after our second loss. It never got severe but it was enough that he was able to recognize what he was feeling was real and what I had been feeling all along was real.

I feel I will overcome this but will need encouragement and continued support along the way. I am planning to try some different approaches this week to see if that will help. I also think digging deep within myself may help find the true causes of how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I know losing my dad at 19 has a lot to do with it and I know my childhood has affected me more than I would like to admit some days.

Thankful every. single. day. that I have Shannon and my little boy.

Focused

Ten days into the new year and..I am FOCUSED.

We have a plan and it's been set in motion. 


It's nearly impossible not to think about trying again but I know it's best to wait. 

I am week 1 into a "Biggest Loser" competition I started with a friend. It's a total of 12 weeks to see who can lose the most weight (by percentage). I think I have gotten off to a good start so far but feel I am not as motivated as I should be. Hoping that changes soon. I would love to win but I would love to lose this extra weight more. Shannon was planning to graduate from school in May but had decided to wait a few weeks ago. We talked a lot today and decided we could manage him taking the last of his classes and working full time. This is what is going to make him feel better. He needs this and I will be there to fully support him as he tackles the rest of his courses. Even though it's taken a few years, I am so incredibly proud of him for working full time, being a father, providing for us and going to school. He's an amazing man and I am so lucky he's mine.

I feel between school, him working full time, family life and me working on myself, this will be enough to keep us distracted and focused on other things. We also decided to pursue foster care but can't start that for a few more months.

I received the last of my test results back the other day. Everything has come back normal. This included progesterone levels, hormone levels (LH, FSH, testosterone, estrogen) and all my genetic testing. While this is good news in a sense, it leaves us still wondering "will we ever find an answer?" There are a couple other invasive test that can be performed but after that, that's it. The next test I know of, is referred to as an HSG. I plan to have this done but probably not now. It quite frankly SUCKS that we may never find an answer.

I've been thinking a lot about Matty lately and want to do something special for the year anniversary..thinking about a butterfly release. Will keep updated on what I decide though

Hoping everyone's year has started off well.




Here's a few photos I took yesterday...enjoy!

New Year, New Hopes

Thankful for a new year and a chance to start fresh. Even though 2012 brought a lot of pain to our family, we are remaining optimistic that this year will bring good things, whatever they may be.

Shannon and I have officially decided to put trying for a second baby on hold until we both feel physically and emotionally ready to try again. It was a difficult decision because we so badly want a second child but we know that for whatever reason, God is telling us to wait. I do feel a since of peace about waiting now, even though my irrational side of me says "just keeping trying, even if it's painful!" I have decided to set ten new hopes and goals for this year. More specifically for the next six months. I don't do to well will long term goals.

My first goal for the year is to finally lose enough weight to be at a "healthy weight". I lost a lot of weight last summer and thankfully, it has all stayed off. However, I still fall in the "overweight" category. I need to lose this weight to be healthy for my son and to be healthier for future possible pregnancies. I have about 35 pounds total to lose to be at a healthy weight. I also want to lose weight for myself because I know it will give me the self worth that I need. I have total confidence that I can do this.

My second hope for the new year is to focus on my relationship with my husband. He is truly my rock. He gives me everything I need and want and MORE. My focus last year was more on Samuel and trying to have a second baby and I know our relationship suffered some. I want to do more for him this year to show my love and appreciation for him. I want to be a better wife and friend. My hope is that our love for each other grows stronger and that we are able to laugh and have fun again. We have realized in the last couple days that we have lost sight of some things and definitely want to renew that.

My third hope is to be the best possible mother to Samuel

Fourth To be more hopeful and optimistic, even when things look gloomy.

Fifth To go back to church. God has and always will be apart of my life but I feel being around others who believe what I do, will help me on my journey.

Sixth To surround myself with positive people and to hopefully build on current friendships and create new ones.

Seventh Build on relationships with family

Eighth Find a way to help others who have gone through what we have

Ninth  Find a new hobby or activity (aside from being a fully time mommy).

Tenth Don't give up, no matter what.


Praying and hoping for a healthy and happy new year.