What's Next?

Shannon and I have been talking a lot over the last several days. We are trying to decide, what's next? In the medical world, two pregnancy losses is usually deemed as "bad luck" but once you hit three losses, it is taken more seriously. I was referred to a Fertility Specialist out of the area and will be meeting with him in a little less than three weeks. I had a panel of blood test done in November but all those test came back normal. Those test were specifically looking for clotting disorders and various other disorders. This past Friday I went ahead and had genetic testing done on me. If anything comes back "abnormal" then Shannon will be tested as well. If all that comes back normal, the specialist will likely want to run some other test. My OB told me last week that sometimes an answer is never found so we needed to prepare ourselves for that. I feel like there is a reason for all this but hate the thought of never knowing why this has happened three times now and may or may not continue to happen.

In previous post I have briefly mentioned that it took us awhile to conceive my son. For whatever reason it just took my body a few years to get its self "leveled" out hormonally wise so we are thinking something hormonally may be off again. I had my Progesterone levels check for the last two pregnancies and my levels were fine. I was put on Progesterone Suppositories for this most recent pregnancy as a "buffer" and was suppose to start Lovenox shots once a day had the pregnancy been viable. I am not sure if that's something we will do again if I get pregnant again.

Now the question of the day...when to try again? Should we wait until we do EVERY single test possible and then try again? What if everything comes back "normal"? Then what? Probability is still in our favor of having a healthy pregnancy either way but is it irresponsible to try again so soon after having three consecutive miscarriages?? The topic of adoption even came up last night. Both Shannon and I decided LOOOONG ago that we would adopt someday. We wanted to whether we had biological kids or not. It's just something we desired to do. Maybe it's that time? Maybe we start that process and see what happens otherwise with my fertility. We have even considered foster care but we were told that it's not recommended to have a child older than Samuel and it's very uncommon to get a child younger than two. I know it's important to be patient but we are ready to add to our family now.

I have a feeling that's one lesson God is trying to teach me here. Patience. But wasn't I patient for Samuel? We waited so long for him. It was so hard going cycle after cycle after cycle...not being pregnant. Watching everyone else around me be able to get pregnant with ease and carry their babies to term without complications. I will be forever grateful for the gift God gave us when he gave us Samuel. He is our whole world. He truly is our MIRACLE baby. I always said I would be happy with just one child...God just give me one child and I'll be happy. But why do I have this great desire now to have more? To have a big family? To give Samuel a baby sister or a baby brother? I try so hard but it won't go away. Even for Shannon who is hurting, he still wants it just as much.

I wish God would give me a sign. Tell me what to do. I know I could look at my miscarriages as a "sign" that it means it's time to quit. But I don't believe that because I see mother's everyday go through this and go on to have their healthy baby. Some women have 5+ miscarriages before they do. God what is the reasoning behind pregnancy loss? Especially recurrent pregnancy loss.

I am only a few days into this loss and all I can think about is trying again. I usually don't have this desire to TRY again until about three or so months later. About three months after we lost Matty, it hit me and three months after we lost the baby in September, it hit me again. I struggled a lot with anxiety after the loss in September. I was afraid of everything. Thankfully I didn't allow it to get out of control and through support of my family, I was able to get a hold of it without medicine. Yes, I still struggle some days but nothing like it was for those few weeks. The one thing most people don't realize about pregnancy loss, is that the innocence of pregnancy is GONE. You worry about each new pregnancy constantly. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. You never really get to relax and never get to enjoy being pregnant.

Hopefully over the course of the next several weeks we get some answers or at least able to make a decision that we feel is best for our family. Our hope is not to go through more losses but we know that it's a possibility. Praying and hoping for another MIRACLE baby <3