Anxiety

Have you ever experienced that intense, sudden feeling of panic? That is sometimes SO intense that you feel like something is seriously wrong? Possibly to the point that you feel like your dying or something is wrong with your health (even though you know everything is okay)??

At points the intensity increases so much that it can become difficult to breath or even function...or sleep. It's quite possibly one of the worse feelings you'll experience. It's awful and I would never ever wish it on anyone.

I've been doing alright as far as anxiety goes the past couple weeks but out of the blue last night it hit me. I wasn't really thinking about anything so I am not sure what exactly triggered it. It may of been a television show I was watching but I could not tell you for sure if that was the actual cause. Thankfully Shannon was in tune to me last night and was there for me the entire night. I really do not know what I would do without him. He has been there through so much and continues to be there.

I had my "first panic attack over four years ago. Like the one last night, it came somewhat out of the blue. I had been struggling with some mild depression so I am sure it stemmed from that too but I remember just lying in bed and then it just struck me. I had no idea what was happening and I seriously thought something physically was wrong with me. Luckily I have come a long way since my very first attack and I am able to handle them a lot better than I did that night.

Around the time I got pregnant with Samuel in 2010, I completely stopped having them and continued through my pregnancy with no issues. Both Shannon and I were concerned that they would possibly return once winter hit and I had a newborn but thankfully, they stayed away. However, since I lost Matty, they have returned but have come and gone with each loss.

When I started this blog in April, I started it mainly to deal with some of the emotions I was dealing with but also to help cope with the anxiety. I didn't want to allow it to take over my life. I wanted to deal with it on my own and as naturally as possible. I do feel it has helped me tremendously and when I really think about things, I am doing way better than I would be doing four years ago. I'm handling it. Maybe some days are harder than others but I have not let it completely take over. I am trying to be as proactive as I can and constantly trying to find new ways to cope that are healthy and effective. Just some days are exhausting and I let the anxiety get the better end of me.

I truly feel working through my grief and the anxiety that comes with it, will only make me stronger and able to get through things better. In the past I took medicine but I don't think it ever really helped me overcome it. It mostly covered up how I felt. I need to start working through some of my past, in order to heal and move forward. I feel the anxiety will continue to come back until I do.

Shannon and I had a hard time when I first struggled with anxiety because he didn't understand it and honestly he didn't believe it was an actual condition. After losing Matty and then suffering two more losses in eight month period, he now understands what it feels like. He knows how debilitating it can be and really struggled with it after our second loss. It never got severe but it was enough that he was able to recognize what he was feeling was real and what I had been feeling all along was real.

I feel I will overcome this but will need encouragement and continued support along the way. I am planning to try some different approaches this week to see if that will help. I also think digging deep within myself may help find the true causes of how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I know losing my dad at 19 has a lot to do with it and I know my childhood has affected me more than I would like to admit some days.

Thankful every. single. day. that I have Shannon and my little boy.