Izabel Hope ♡

 Written Anonymously

 My husband and I got married June 2010 and ended up getting pregnant 3 months later! We were both incredibly excited and a tad bit nervous about our first baby. My pregnancy was incredibly easy. No morning sickness, very little aches and barely any mood swings. My first ultrasound was at 17 weeks and both my husband and I were amazed to see our precious baby GIRL bouncing around on the screen! Later that night we decided to name her Izabel Hope.<3

The next day I got a call from my midwife while I was at work. She left a message saying they found something wrong with my daughters skull and I needed to call her back. Listening to that message I felt my blood run cold with worry! I tried calling back right away but wasn't able to get a hold of her and her nurse wasn't allowed to say anything. I called my husband and let him know what was going on and several family members and told them to pray. I called over and over trying to get a hold of my midwife but she wasn't ever available that day!

 It was Friday so I had to end up waiting the whole weekend before she finally called me back Monday morning. The ultrasound tech found something wrong with her skull and she was going to send me to a specialist that week to see what it could be for sure. A couple nerve wracking days later and we were in a major hospital to see our specialist and they first sent us in with a maternity counselor to talk about what it could possibly be and what options I might have.

We were in her tiny little office when we finally heard any details about the ultrasound. She said that it looked like my baby could be missing part of her skull and the odds of her surviving, if it was what they were guessing at this point anencephaly. Were basically nonexistent but they were going to see for sure at this ultrasound. we just needed to be prepared. Our specialist doctor was very kind and explained everything he saw to us. Izabel indeed was missing part if her skull but not the whole top like they originally thought. "she has a hole that never 'zipped'shut. " he explained. it's a form if a neural tube defect called encephalocele that is supposed to close within the first 30 days of being pregnant.

 A lot of the time it's before even finding out your pregnant and there was nothing I did wrong. My husband and I held it together with just a few tears at first because although the odds of survival still weren't good they were slightly better than we thought. The counselor talked to us once again and told us we could have an amino to see if it was genetic and tried encouraging us to terminate. Although we knew it was her job to tell us, we couldn't help but be slightly offended that anyone would think taking our precious baby's life would solve any problems. This was our beloved daughter. Every kick, every movement, made us love her more.

 We said we didn't want to do any testing because it still wouldn't change our minds anyhow. We told everyone and had her on our Facebook for prayer requests. We had a couple other ultrasounds to continue checking up on her but I'll never forget the last. I was 23 weeks along and my next appointment was the day after Valentine's. Everything seemed to go wrong during that trip. The bank account had issues, we lost our hotel key and we weren't even able to celebrate our first Valentines as a married couple nicely.

I mentioned to my hubby how nervous I was that I hadn't felt Izabel much the last couple days and had a bad feeling about it. He was always encouraging me and trying to lift my spirits. Such a wonderful man! He reassured me that everything was going to be fine, even though I could see the worry on his face. The next morning at the ultrasound I could tell right away. I didn't see her familiar heartbeat on the screen. The doctor confirmed our fears and told us she was gone. As soon as we were near the parking, lot I started bawling. I couldn't stop.

 I didn't care who heard or saw, all I could think of was"she's gone. My baby girl is gone!" My husband was trying to be strong and comforting for me but realized he locked the keys in the car. He let me cry while he called someone to unlock the car and charged us $50 for doing so. Cherry on the cake. The ride home was long and filled with tears, while my husband called to inform family. They offered to induce me but I preferred to deliver on my own. It took 2 weeks before my body was willing to let her go. Labor was short and fast.

 She was born 5 minutes after getting to labor and delivery. My mother drove me and my husband missed it by a few minutes because he was at work. The white sack came out with her still inside. They pulled her out, wrapped her delicate body in a blanket and handed her to me. My husband was there by my side a minute later and had his arms wrapped around us. My dad, mom, husband and I all passed her around admiring her tiny fingers and toes and marveling at the detail in her face. She was beautiful.

A lady asked if we would like pictures and had someone come in from 'now I lay you down to sleep' to take some amazing photos so we would always have that keepsake. She was very kind and gentle. We ended up staying the night in labor and delivery. It was impossible to sleep as we kept hearing babies crying and knowing that we would never hear out little angel cry. The next morning they took her away for cremation.

She was so tiny! They didn't charge us for the urn or cremation service. People kept telling me that she was with the Lord and she wasn't in pain anymore but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want people to mention her because I couldn't keep tears down. I wanted to be numb and feel nothing. I ended up getting very depressed and wouldn't be able to function. I slept all day and cried all night and even my loving husband couldn't always console me. My Izabel passed at 23 weeks and was delivered at 25. She weighed 13 oz. Although Izabel can never be replaced as my first baby, I am happy to say, that 3 months after this, I ended up getting pregnant with my rainbow! Kaylee Aurora. She is the happiest, easiest and biggest blessing (other than my husband) I have ever received and can't imaging life without her! If I hadn't lost my precious Izabel, Kaylee would never have been born. She was conceived a month and a half before before Izabels due date. I still praise the Lord for both of my daughters (and my son to be born Jan) even though I haven't gotten to meet her, I still count it a privilege to have gotten to carry her over 6 months. <3