Paige Marie ♡

 ~written by Rachael Heilig

My journey of loss and heartache and then hope and faith began six years ago~on a winter day in 2006 when I looked into my shaking hands to see a positive pregnancy test. Not just the rush of being parents again but the relief of finally, it was happening again. After four years of trying, our two boys would have a sibling. I was so lost in happiness, so unaware of what pregnancy can be like.

 I was already picturing the day we would bring our miracle bundle home, the joy and love that day would hold. The words stillborn, loss mama, angel, & funeral meant nothing to me. I had never really been exposed to baby loss except in hush tones of gossip when a friend had lost hers but no none really talked about it. I never gave it a thought. And why should I have? I had two handsome little boys that came right as planned and safely into my arms.

So here I was wrapped in my own world and happy as could be. I spent weeks preparing for our little one, buying baby clothes right away and planning the nursery even though we would not find out the sex until the baby was born. I was glowing I felt~I had the whole world in my hands and my life was perfect. Then came the day that was all ripped out from under me~in the blink of an eye. I woke up April 6th 2007 excited to go to my 20 week ultrasound appointment. It was to be my first appointment and I was looking forward to my precious baby on the screen.

 My husband was busy with cows so I took my then 5 year old son Ethan with me. He was as giddy as me and we did some baby shopping before my appointment. The baby was so active that morning~kicking away and rolling. We picked out some precious little shoes with baseballs on them. I told Ethan what if it’s a girl~well he said she can wear them too! After shopping we headed to our appointment and go right in.

I laid down on the exam table and squeezed Ethan’s hand asking if he was ready to see his new baby brother or sister. He was so excited he would not sit still. The Dr flipped on the machine and started running it across my belly. I knew within a minute that something was wrong. I could see our baby laying so still at the very bottom of my belly. No movement. I looked at my Dr and started screaming, whats wrong with baby? What is wrong? She kept searching then looked at me with tears and said, I am so sorry Rachael, your baby is gone, there is not heartbeat. I started screaming and just felt so out of control.

 My poor son was sitting there so confused. He kept asking where is the baby mommy? I want to see the baby. I finally was able to get a breath and told him~Mommy is so sorry honey, the baby is gone. She has no heartbeat. He started crying, so overwhelmed and confused I am sure. The Dr left to call my husband to come get me and I just collapsed on the table. I cried till I could not feel anything anymore then just felt myself going numb from the inside out. I could not move, I could not answer my sons questions, I could not do anything but sit there. I faintly remember the Dr coming in saying since Easter was 3 days away we could come back after Easter to talk about birthing baby. I could not even answer.

My husband showed up to get me and I just grabbed him and yelled at him. I was telling him it was his fault for not coming to my appointment and how could he not be there. I remember being ushered out through the office back door~like I was a secret that the other pregnant mothers could not see. We headed home and I just sat there with my hands on my belly, telling the baby inside me to live, to fight, to come back to us.

We got home and our oldest son was just getting home from school. I could not even bring myself to look at him, I made my husband go tell him the baby was gone. I felt like I had let my boys down. My heart broke for them more then myself. My husband wanted to spend the next few days as if nothing had happened so that the boys could enjoy Easter. I don’t remember any of the days. I was so numb and in shock. I was just dreading the day I has to return to the hospital and let go of our baby forever. I kept telling my husband I wanted to keep the baby in me forever, and I refused to talk about going back to deliver.

My husband finally dragged me up to the hospital, six days later. I was not talking to anyone, I just sat there willing myself not to scream and run away. I had to have another ultrasound done, to see where baby was laying, and because of her position they opted I have a D&E. I had no idea what that meant other then the Dr told me it was much like delivery without the pain and that baby would arrive in one piece. Piece? "What the hell did that mean?" I screamed at her. I was filled with so much rage I finally just let it out right there in the room. I was screaming, yelling, hysterical. They came and gave me a shot to calm me down and scheduled delivery for the next morning.

 I was out pretty much all the afternoon and into the next morning. I do remember walking to the delivery room for the D&E~a lady on the elevator complimented my beautiful belly. I just stared at her while my husband tried to make up something to say. I was so upset, how could she say that? How could she not know my baby was dead?

Paige Marie Heilig was taken from me on April 11^th, 2007. I never got to see her, hold her, smell her, or touch her tiny fingers or toes. I never got to see if she had hair or my nose or my boys mouth. I never got to do anything but go home hours later with discharge papers and maternity clothes that now hung off of my belly. I was told nothing about her. And since this was my first loss and I had no idea what to expect, I never knew I had the right to ask to see her and hold her. I never even knew I had the right to ask for her body. I just was lost and there was noone there to tell me what my rights were.

Going home was so hard, walking through the door I was hit by the loss of my daughter. My little Princess I had prayed for years for. How could God do this to me? How could he take me daughter? How could he take my children’s sister? My husbands only daughter? I spent weeks in bed, missing everything in my boys life. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom. People came and went and I was so numb, it was like an out of body experience. I did not want to talk to anyone, just lay there and die. I did not see how I could go on.

Then one day my son came in and grabbed my hand and said mama, you have to come out of your room, we miss you mama. I let those words sink in, they miss me, they need me. I have to move on. It was the biggest step and the hardest but I decided to try to live again.

It took me over a year to become the new normal~the new person I am now. I had good days and really bad days. I had days I wanted to die and others I could not live enough. Slowly the seasons changed and my heart ripping pain became bearable. I was able to see the beauty around me again and in the people around me. I had let the hate & rage eat me up for so long and it slowly was fading. My boys helped me to realize that I had to go on and be the best mama I could. I may have lost Paige but I could not lose them also.

After a year of walking this journey we decided to try again~for a Rainbow, a term I had never heard of before. It was a huge leap of faith~so much could go wrong and I wrestled for months about this choice. I was terrified beyond belief. After 3 years of trying we finally got pregnant again. It was stressful for our whole family~we worried as a family for the safety of this baby and we prayed as a family. Every appointment brought up the fear and pain but we did it as a family and on a wintry evening, December 30, 2010, we welcomed Paige’s little sister, Savannah Pearl into the world healthy & crying.

 She was our miracle baby. We cried and thanked God for this beautiful blessing but we also cried tears of sadness over the loss of our first daughter again. Savannah was born with a beautiful red birthmark right on the back of her neck in her hairline. The nurse came in and I showed her~she says oh honey that’s not a birthmark, that’s an angel’s kiss…..yes an angel kiss from our precious little girl Paige.   ~Rachael Heilig