One Week & One Day

This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.

My emotions really began to intensify the day after we buried Matty. One minute I was OKAY. The next minute I was mad and angry. Then I was okay and two seconds later I was crying. I had no idea what I was feeling. I feel that after your body suffers a miscarriage; your hormones begin to go crazy several days following the loss of the baby. I was somewhat emotional after I had Samuel but I had better control of my emotions. I have no control of my emotions right now and I don’t know how I will feel from one hour to the next. Something that usually makes me happy may make me sad or angry. 

I don’t feel like leaving the house AT ALL but I know I need to. Shannon returned to work on Friday after we buried Matty and he’s having a really hard time with it. Just being around people all day is hard. I couldn’t do it. Before he goes to work or when he gets off, we try to go out, even if it’s to the grocery store to pick up bread.

When we are out, I feel like everyone is staring at me. It's hard to explain but I just feel "out of place" in the outside world. My body is still telling me pregnant, even though I am not. Most of my pregnancy symptoms have left. The one that is still here is a heightened sense of smell.  Some things are still making me feel queasy but nowhere near as bad as it was. 

I had lost a total of 15 pounds by last Friday but then on Tuesday I had GAINED 10 pounds! My body is completely out of whack. Every part of me was swollen for several days after I lost our baby and I felt horrible. I don't understand why my weight fluctuated so much in such a short time and why my body is going through so many crazy changes. It wasn't this bad after I had a natural delivery with Samuel why was it now? Thankfully things seem to have leveled out today because my weight has returned to what it was on Friday.

On Sunday morning I was having a really hard time and we decided that we would go visit Matty. It was raining and cold. We went anyways. It had been raining for the past two days and I was worried that it was going to be a big muddy mess. Thankfully it was fine and the flowers we had left on Friday were still there. We picked up some more flowers and laid them down with the others. We didn’t stay for long but I think it helped. 

A little later that day we decided we needed an emotional and mental “break”. Samuel needed a break as well. We decided that we would go see a movie as a distraction. We took Samuel to my moms and had two hours to ourselves. I am not a big “go to the movies” person but it was nice to be with just Shannon and to have a distraction. We probably didn’t choose the best of movies (The Lucky One) because it made us cry but we got to think about something else for two hours. 

Yesterday was a very hard day for us all.  

Here are a few of my thoughts I wrote down on the one week anniversary of losing Matty:

April 25, 2012

Today has been a really hard day. I thought about the night we lost Matty a lot

last night. It's hard to believe it’s already been a week. I should be 12 weeks

pregnant today and almost onto the second trimester but no I'm grieving a baby I

never got to meet, feel or love. I've really been grieving my baby today. It's

hurts me knowing Matty is no longer inside of me. I've been so emotional today.

I just want this nightmare to be over but I know this will forever be apart of

us now. We just have to learn to embrace it and know there is a reason..

Shannon and I got really upset with each other this morning. I felt like he was 

already over it and I was just left to grieve our baby on my own. I know he's 

overwhelmed and at the end of the day the expectations are much higher for him. 

He has to still go to work, still go on with life. He can't just hide from it all. His been 

trying to be there for me and has helped so much with Samuel lately. He's exhausted 

physically and emotional.

How are we going to get through this stronger? And still together? I'm worried

this is going to tear us apart. We both grieve and handle things so differently.

 I've really been losing my patience with Samuel today but it's my fault. He 

feels my stress, frustration and my pain. He knows mommy is hurting. He doesn't

understand what's happened in mommy's world that's made her so sad.

I was so upset earlier today that he climbed up on the bed and put his face as close

as he could to mine, then looked at me with his big blue, concerned eyes. His face

was sad and you could tell he was worried about me. Then he gave me a kiss. The

unconditional love between a child and his parents is remarkable. That was his

way of being there for me and telling me "mommy it's going to be okay"

On top of it being the one week anniversary... Today is the first night Shannon

has had to work at night since we lost our baby. I've been so anxious about being home

by myself at night.

We went to the grocery store before Shannon went to work and on the way up to

pay I saw several stuffed animals that read "my first puppy" "my first bear "..

It broke my heart that I would never get to celebrate a first birthday or a first Christmas

with Matty.. There would never be any first...

I went back and forth on whether or not I would share my story with others. Most people would agree that what I have shared was very personal and should of been kept private. However, I feel that by sharing my story that I may be able to help someone else who is or may be going through this. Miscarriages are often kept quiet and are often not seen as a loss to many. If I can make THAT one person realize what it's really like to experience a miscarriage , maybe they can be there for someone in the future. I think miscarriages are commonly misunderstood. I know I previously thought of a miscarriage as a loss but never realized how GREAT a loss it was. Maybe by reading my story it will change how you feel.

I know in the past week I have come in contact with people who just don't
understand. Both family, friends, strangers and even doctors. They say the wrong
things and treat you like you should just get over it. 

Some will even say "You can always try again"..

Most people don't see losing a baby through a miscarriage as the same thing as losing a
baby who was full term or months old. I agree it's different but I don't think
one can argue one is harder or easier. No matter what, you are still losing a
baby. It's still a part of YOU. Everyone grieves differently and you can't say
someone's grief is less or more than yours. Unless you've personally experienced this type of loss, there is no way you can say it's less of a loss than a living, breathing, child. Again I agree it's different but just because my child never breathed our air, doesn't mean it wasn't a loss to me. My baby was a life that we created and it was a life that was lost. 

The biggest question in my mind this past week is .....WHY...?

It was my job as a mother to protect my unborn baby. When your baby dies suddenly while inside of you, questions start popping in your head. Did I eat something I wasn't suppose to? Did I not eat enough? Was I exposed to something harmful that hurt my baby? Did I harm my baby by continuing to breastfeed? 

I was super careful when I was pregnant with Samuel. I ate all the right foods. Avoided all caffeine including tea, sodas and even chocolate. I stayed away from harmful chemicals, I didn't lift anything too heavy and I remained as stress-free as possible. I took my prenatal vitamins religiously. I missed one dose my entire pregnancy. I didn't use the microwave and avoided anything that could possibly hurt Samuel. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Matty, I was careful at first but wasn't as careful as I was with Samuel. Now I question did that cause my baby to die? I know I'll never know WHY my baby had to go but I will always wonder. I wish now I had been more careful. Maybe I was too careful with Samuel but now I will never know if that would have saved Matty..

Since I spotted in the beginning of my pregnancy, I now wonder "Should I have gotten a RhoGAM shot then?  Did the baby's blood mix with mine and did I form antibodies that attacked my baby? This could possibly explain why I was so sick? I'll never know..but I will always wonder.

I developed some problems with my gallstones when I was pregnant with Samuel. Around 31 weeks pregnant I had a gallstone attack that put me in the hospital for several hours. I thought for sure it was labor but turned out to be gallstone related, due to pregnancy. I was told that it MAY go away after I had Samuel. I never had anymore problems with it so I assumed it had. Several days before I found out I was pregnant with Matty, I had a Gallstone attack. It lasted 5 hours and I was very sick. If you have ever experienced gallstone problems or gallstone attacks, you know they are VERY painful. I can actually say they are more painful than labor. When I had the attack, I was already pregnant. I wonder if that could of possibly harmed the baby somehow. I regret now that I never followed up with the doctor after I had Samuel to make sure they were gone. Maybe it didn't harm my baby but I am upset with myself for not having my body ready to carry a baby again. 

Not only have I questioned why..those around me have as well. Some will be very hurtful and some will "mean well" but still say the wrong things.

Several people have blamed the medicines I took for morning sickness and I have even been told by a nurse that "breastfeeding while pregnant can cause miscarriages and that it's dangerous to do while pregnant" after I lost the baby. 

It's so hard to let the things that people say go. People don't understand how much you are already blaming yourself. When they start blaming it on specific things like breastfeeding or medicines that you took, it falls back on you again. 

Losing this baby has by far been my great loss.......