On April 26th, I posted my very first post to my blog. Within 24 hours I had well over 1,000 views.
To date, I have received hundreds of messages from complete strangers. The majority of them have been incredibly positive and I think hearing from others has really helped me on this journey of mine. I've talked to those who've had a miscarriage and to people who never have had one but read my story anyways. I've changed how people see a miscarriage. Women have told me directly that they will now be more compassionate because of my story. Even though Matty was never here in a physical way, my baby has already made a difference in the world.
I've made several new friends and I've learned who my real friends are. When I finally made the choice to post my story, my hope was to make a difference in at least ONE person. I am so thankful that I have been able to relate to hundreds of other women.
I recently received a beautiful card from a complete stranger who could relate to our loss.
I truly feel God is using my Matty in all this. God has brought people into my life that I may not have ever met or even realized were my friends. I am so incredibly THANKFUL for the positive feedback, for the prayers and for the encouragement from all those who have reached out to Shannon and I. You have helped me and are continuing to help me get through this. Thank You.
With anything in life, there will always be people will disagree with you.. Even those who have experienced the same exact loss will try to pull you down. They will tell you that you are grieving incorrectly and that you shouldn't let things bother you so much. Being a Christian, I feel this is Satan's attempt in keeping me in a low point.
If you know me personally, you know that I am a fairly sensitive person. I care a great deal about how people perceive me. I know, I know, I shouldn't. But I do. It's me and I've always been this way. Maybe it has to do with my upbringing? I didn't have the worse of the worse childhoods but I had some traumatic parts. Even so, I am sensitive.
It's been four weeks since we lost Matty and I've already learned so much about grief and how it's different from person to person and even different from loss to loss. I didn't really deal with my dads death when it happened and I ultimately paid for it later. After losing Matty I started to write right away. I realized that it was helping with the anxiety, so I chose to keep writing.
About a week ago, I received a lot of negative feedback from a recent post. Everything before this, had been positive. It caught me completely off guard. Initially I was really upset about it. It bothered me that someone felt this way. One of the ways I have chosen to grieve, is through writing. I felt each and every one of my words were being torn apart and that I was wrong for what I wrote. It bothered me so bad that I considered taking my entire blog down. It wasn't my intention to hurt others through my words. It was a place for me to be expressive. Good and bad. To say what I wanted to say. As stated numerous times throughout my blog, it is very raw. I tend to let it all out and decided to be honest with myself and you in what I say. I feel if I hold back my feelings, that I will never properly heal from this. I held everything back with my father and I have regretted it immensely.
When writing my first post for this blog it took an awful lot to write it. I had dozens of messages I had sent to myself that I had to compile together to start writing my story. There were specific parts that were hard to write and it was very hard to re read it to make sure everything was the way I wanted it.
There are parts in the post Our Greatest Loss.. that can be difficult for a lot of people to read. There are parts that can cause "triggers" for others. I knew when I wrote it that it could be hard for a lot of people to read. But at the time I didn't realize how "triggers" worked. I wrote what was on my mind. I did not write anything to intentionally upset someone.
I openly apologize to anyone that I have upset or even offended by my words in a particular post. Please know that this is my journey. I have never lost a baby so I am learning as I go. I don't know the "right" way to do this. I honestly don't feel there is a right way or a wrong way. I think the key is being open and honest with your feelings and that is the purpose of this blog.
I will have good days and bad. My emotions will change. I am constantly learning. Some things will bother me more than it may bother you and vice versa. The same loss does not mean we will automatically grieve the same or that we should. There is no time limit on grief. I feel you do it the way you feel you should. If running helps, keep doing it. If writing helps. Do it. Keep doing whatever it is that is helping YOU. Remember that. We can't compare ourselves with others.
I am very passionate about what I say. Sometimes it may seem like I'm being defensive or even negative, but I'm not. My husband had to tell someone once "When Rachel talks like that, she is just being passionate. She tends to talk really fast and gets really into anything she is saying". Basically I show a lot of emotion. That passion isn't negativity. It's purely me being passionate something I care about.
This blog is also a chance for people to get to know me. The real me. A deeper look inside me. When something is important to me, I tend to be overly passionate about it. Over time, you will learn about the things that I am passionate about in my life.
I am very expressive. And I truly feel that is a trait I inherited from my dad. I know I have some things I need to work on. I tend to be passive aggressive when it comes to certain topics and I need to learn to be more accepting and acknowledge some things. Life is a journey and there is ALWAYS room to grow.
PLEASE respect that a loss is also a learning process. I am learning how to get through my life now after losing my baby.
Thank You.
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