Roller Coaster

I feel emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. I literally feel like I am riding a roller coaster when it comes to my emotions right now. I can't even keep up with how I am feeling!

I have been trying to finish up some last minute assignments for school so I can be done for the semester but I have been having a terrible time focusing. I've read maybe three pages in the past five days. I will start to read a page and then my mind just ventures off into a thousand different places. I can't figure out how to FOCUS. I thought engaging myself in a story could possibly be a great distraction right but I can't seem to get into the story enough to get to that point.

I only have two short assignments to complete and my final exam. My professor has been great and has even offered to give me an incomplete but I really want to get it done so I don't have to worry about it. I'm giving myself until the weekend to complete everything and if I am unable to, then I will take the incomplete to give myself more time.

I haven't taken time to write the past few days so I decided that maybe getting some of my thoughts out could help me to focus.

Shannon and I decided to meet with a counselor yesterday to talk about everything and I think it really helped but today I just feel that "lost" feeling again. That constant "up and down" feeling...She assured me that it's all "normal" but I still hate feeling this way. I hate not having any control of how I feel. I hate how out of control my hormones are and how those hormones are causing me to feel worse than I already do.

The past few days I have felt a lot of anger. Anger towards myself, anger towards family, anger towards strangers and a lot anger towards my doctors. I feel like I am searching for "someone" or "something" to blame. I feel if I am able to blame someone that it will make this whole thing easier. I know in reality that it won't and I know in reality there isn't anyone to blame. It's still hard though because I really want to blame someone.

I made a decision today to start seeing a different doctor. I know my doctors aren't to "blame" in me losing my baby but I feel strongly that they did not handle things the way they should have. I wasn't taken seriously and I feel it's VERY important that your doctors listen to you, no matter the circumstances. I feel that I have found a really good doctor and I am hoping that MAYBE in time I am able to find some answers or at least come to terms that I won't find answers.

While dealing with the normal physical aspects of losing a baby, my body is now suffering from some health issues that have resurfaced in the past week. I am hoping to see my doctor for that soon to make sure things are OKAY. Likely everything is fine but when something significant happens in your life, you begin to worry about every little thing. I am definitely ready to feel better physically. I know the emotional part will take time but I feel I should be feeling somewhat better by now..

I'm so thankful for my husband. He's been so strong through this all and continues to deal with me and loves me through it all. I really don't think I could do it without him. 

 I hope everyone has a good night.


Rachel