What NOT to Say

I have been thinking a lot about the things that people have said to me over the last few weeks and I decided that I wanted to write about it. I feel like people need to know what NOT to say to someone whose had a miscarriage. On top of all the constant triggers in my life, I have been hearing a lot of hurtful things. From friends, family, doctors and even strangers.

 What NOT to say to a miscarriage survivor:


1. "You can always try again." or "You can always have another baby.":


~ I have heard this comment numerous times since I miscarried. Just the other day I was told by my doctor "I'm so sorry for your loss but hey you can always try again." Yes this is true but it's not as simple as people think. When you find out that you are pregnant, you start dreaming about THAT baby. You should NEVER tell a women "oh you can try again" when you don't know them personally. You don't know their fertility and how long it took for them to get pregnant to begin with. It took Shannon and I nearly four years to get pregnant with Samuel. We did three rounds of fertility treatments (which all failed) and did numerous other things to try to conceive a baby.

We did get pregnant with Matty very fast but it was still work. It wasn't easy. It took patience and persistence to chart my temperatures every single morning for a two month. We figured out that I could get pregnant but it was going to take PERFECT timing. Again this took an enormous amount of patience. When someone tells me "you can have another baby" it really upsets me. I don't know if I will be able to get pregnant again. I don't know why I lost Matty at this point and there is a possibility that it will be hard the next time we try (if we decide to try again). Only God knows. It may take us another four plus years to get pregnant. I wanted another baby NOW.

People often assume that if a women loses a baby that she can instantly "bounce" back and have another. What if that women was told she could never have another child? It's not easy for a lot of women to get pregnant to begin with and for some, it's hard to remain pregnant.

I don't want another baby, I want the baby I lost, I want Matty.

Babies are not replaceable –

 2.   “Be grateful for the healthy baby boy that you have!” or "At least you have other children.": 

~ I am 120% grateful for my son. I love him and I am thankful he is healthy. However, I will still grieve the baby I lost. PERIOD. My son will not "fix" the fact that I lost my baby. Maybe  he will make it easier for me to get through this but I will never stop missing my baby. Nor will anyone else. It's not ungrateful to grieve a baby you lost, it's completely 100% HEALTHY. Sometimes it can be harder for a women with living children because she knows exactly what she has lost.


3.  “It was not a real baby.” or "At least you weren't very far along.": 

~ From the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, my baby was a BABY. How is it not a REAL baby? This is something that will be argued forever but you should NEVER tell a women that her baby "wasn't a real baby". If you've read my story, you know that the baby I lost was very much a BABY. What defines a baby to someone? Does it have to take a breath before it's considered a baby? No.

Also whether a women is 4 weeks pregnant, 11 weeks pregnant or 20 weeks pregnant, NEVER say "at least you weren't very far along." That is disrespectful and very hurtful. People don't realize that it is painful no matter what stage of pregnancy you're in when the loss occurs. It's not easier at 11 weeks than it may be at 20 weeks.


4. "It won't happen again." :

~ How could you possibly know this? I know everyone hopes that everything will be fine with the next pregnancy but there is no way to know for certain that it will. It's very common for a woman to have two or even three miscarriages and it be considered "normal". I will never again get to enjoy pregnancy as I once did. I will live in constant fear if I ever do decide to get pregnant again.

5. “It’s probably for the best.”:

 ~ What's the "best" for me may or may not be best for you. Saying something like this does not make a person feel better. Miscarriages happen for so many different reasons and there is know what for you to know what caused it.


6. "There must of been something wrong with the baby." :

 ~ Even though there are some test that can be done, it is very uncommon to actually find a "problem" with the baby. Just because the baby died, doesn't mean there was something specifically WRONG with the baby. There are SO many variables to having a healthy pregnancy and carrying a baby to term.

7. "It happened because ______________." :

 ~ Since losing Matty, I have been constantly blaming myself. Did I do this or did I do this. On top of blaming myself, I feel like those around of me are in a way "blaming" me or my choices. Again no one really knows why I lost my baby and for people to speculate why they think I did, is hurtful. Unless I pursued medical testing with Matty, no one will ever be able to know for certain what caused the loss. And even with testing, it can come back inconclusive.

In the past few weeks I have heard...

"It happened because you were breastfeeding while pregnant....."
"It happened because you were taking morning sickness pills....."
"It happened because you have gallstones....."

"It happened because you have PCOS....."

"It happened because you were taking prenatal pills....."
 "It happened because you were not eating enough....."
  

8. "I know what you are going through." : 


~ Unless you have personally experienced a miscarriage, please do not say that you "understand" when you do not. Just like with anything else in life, unless you have experienced it, you simple do not know what a person is going through.
  

9. "Shouldn't you be over this by now?" or "This won't affect the rest of your life." 

~ NO. I will never ever get over this fully. Yes my heart will heal some but a part of me will ALWAYS be missing. I lost a part of me and a part of my husband. We lost something that we created together I will in no way EVER forget about my baby. And this has already affected the rest of my life. I am no longer the same person I was three weeks ago. I am a mother of a 18.5 month old and a mother of an angel. Matty will be apart of my life for as long as I live.



What should you say:

I'm so sorry.