Triggers

 If you've ever experienced a loss in your life, you may be familiar with the term "trigger". A trigger is usually something that forces you to face your grief at any given moment. These triggers can start soon after your loss and can continue for weeks, months or even years afterward.

A trigger is usually a "reminder" of your grief. It can be anywhere. A certain day of the week can force you to face your loss or sometimes a certain smell can remind you of something. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can be especially hard. If you've lost a parent, things related to Mother's Day or Father's Day can be difficult. If you've lost a baby, seeing a women who is pregnant can often cause a wide range of emotions. These emotions can range from feeling empty to angry to feeling sad.

When I was 19 years old, I lost my father. I was very close to him and it was a huge loss. Losing my dad caused me to to look at life differently. I started to value it more but also started to fear it.Even though it's been almost six years since I lost my father, there are certain things that still cause me to remember the day all over again.

In the past three weeks, I have been surrounded by things that have caused me to feel anxious, sad, angry, afraid and even frustrated. I feel like everything in my world is trying to constantly remind me that I no longer have my baby. That I will never get to hold my baby or that I will never get to know "was my baby a girl or was my baby a boy?"

Some recent "triggers" :

* I bought a few maternity shirts a few weeks before I lost the baby and I was automatically signed up for some baby samples in the mail and via email. Every time I receive something in the mail, it just breaks my heart even more. 

* Yesterday someone kept calling me from a random New York number. I typically don't answer my phone unless I know the number. Maybe that's weird but I feel like if it's important, they'll leave a message or call back. They called several times and finally yesterday evening I answered. I said hello and the man on the other line said "May I speak to Angel please". I told the man that he had the wrong number. Instead of saying "Sorry, goodbye", he proceeded to tell me that he was calling from Baby something. I didn't catch the last part. He then said "Is anyone in your household expecting?" At that point I became angry. Maybe I had no reason but for whatever reason, it angered me that he asked that. I went on to tell him that I recently lost a baby and that I would appreciate it if he does not call my number again. I was enraged. It took me over an hour just to "cool" off from it. I couldn't believe how mad that phone call made me.

* When Shannon and I found out I was pregnant again, I started to go through Samuel's stuff. I began setting stuff aside for the new baby. A swing, a baby tub, lots and lots of gender neutral clothes and numerous baby toys. I had started putting everything in the room that would be the baby's. We weren't planning to set up the room for the baby but we began calling the room the "new baby room" instead of the spare room or "the office". Now when I see Samuel's tiny toys, clothes or his baby swing, it upsets me. I'll never get to use that stuff for Matty. Maybe I'll be able to use it for another baby but I wanted to use it for the baby I was suppose to have in November. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should just give it all away and buy new stuff if we ever decide to have another baby. I feel like that stuff was intended for our next baby and our next baby was Matty.

* Babies, small children, pregnant women and hearing that someone else it pregnant. I started to imagine my life with two babies. A 2 year old toddler and a brand new newborn. I was nervous about it but knew that they would be so close growing up. A week or so after we lost the baby, Shannon and I went to a Children's Museum with Samuel. We were surrounded by pregnant mothers and lots of small children. I wasn't jealous of them. I just wish I was still pregnant too and it again reminded me that I was NOT. It hurt me. It hurt Shannon. I have seen a lot of children lately that are the same age differences as Samuel and Matty would have been. I cry every time I think about the fact I'll never have that. Even though I am happy for someone who tells me they are pregnant, it's still very hard.

* Double strollers

* Baby sections in stores

* Tuesday nights and all day Wednesday: On the one week, two week and three week anniversary of losing Matty, it has triggered an enormous amount of emotion each time. The first week was definitely the worse. I was already thinking about it and as it got closer to midnight, panic set in. For whatever reason that day and that time reminds my body of that experience. I suddenly start recalling the feelings I had and can remember every little detail. I haven't been able to sleep on Tuesday nights for the last three weeks. I feel incredibly overwhelmed the entire night and I think about the whole thing. Last night was the first time that I wasn't thinking about it initially. I was preoccupied with an 18 month old and an almost four year old. As I laid down in bed around 10:30 last night, my body started to feel weird. My mind started racing and I instantly thought....MATTY. I knew what time it was and I knew what my body was telling me. Even though this time and day is still trigger these feelings I think that over time it will lessen.



 I know in my life that there will ALWAYS be things that will trigger me to remember the baby I lost. I know that over time that some of the triggers won't hurt as bad and that eventually some will no longer hurt. But I know certain dates will always hurt because they will remind me of the baby I never had. April 18th will forever be remembered as the day that I lost Matty. November 7th was my baby's due date, another date I'll never forget. I never want to forget my baby but I hope in time the pain of losing my baby lessen. I hope that it doesn't hurt to see others pregnant or to see baby clothes. I hope sometime in the near future that I kind find joy in those things again.