Thankful for a new year and a chance to start fresh. Even though 2012 brought a lot of pain to our family, we are remaining optimistic that this year will bring good things, whatever they may be.
Shannon and I have officially decided to put trying for a second baby on hold until we both feel physically and emotionally ready to try again. It was a difficult decision because we so badly want a second child but we know that for whatever reason, God is telling us to wait. I do feel a since of peace about waiting now, even though my irrational side of me says "just keeping trying, even if it's painful!" I have decided to set ten new hopes and goals for this year. More specifically for the next six months. I don't do to well will long term goals.
My first goal for the year is to finally lose enough weight to be at a "healthy weight". I lost a lot of weight last summer and thankfully, it has all stayed off. However, I still fall in the "overweight" category. I need to lose this weight to be healthy for my son and to be healthier for future possible pregnancies. I have about 35 pounds total to lose to be at a healthy weight. I also want to lose weight for myself because I know it will give me the self worth that I need. I have total confidence that I can do this.
My second hope for the new year is to focus on my relationship with my husband. He is truly my rock. He gives me everything I need and want and MORE. My focus last year was more on Samuel and trying to have a second baby and I know our relationship suffered some. I want to do more for him this year to show my love and appreciation for him. I want to be a better wife and friend. My hope is that our love for each other grows stronger and that we are able to laugh and have fun again. We have realized in the last couple days that we have lost sight of some things and definitely want to renew that.
My third hope is to be the best possible mother to Samuel
Fourth To be more hopeful and optimistic, even when things look gloomy.
Fifth To go back to church. God has and always will be apart of my life but I feel being around others who believe what I do, will help me on my journey.
Sixth To surround myself with positive people and to hopefully build on current friendships and create new ones.
Seventh Build on relationships with family
Eighth Find a way to help others who have gone through what we have
Ninth Find a new hobby or activity (aside from being a fully time mommy).
Tenth Don't give up, no matter what.
Praying and hoping for a healthy and happy new year.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Don't Give Up
I was on my way to pick Shannon up from work this evening and a song called "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory came on the radio. I had heard it before but it never stuck out the way it did tonight. Wanted to share it with you guys.
Don't Give Up -Calling Glory
Don't Give Up -Calling Glory
What's Next?
Shannon and I have been talking a lot over the last several days. We are trying to decide, what's next? In the medical world, two pregnancy losses is usually deemed as "bad luck" but once you hit three losses, it is taken more seriously. I was referred to a Fertility Specialist out of the area and will be meeting with him in a little less than three weeks. I had a panel of blood test done in November but all those test came back normal. Those test were specifically looking for clotting disorders and various other disorders. This past Friday I went ahead and had genetic testing done on me. If anything comes back "abnormal" then Shannon will be tested as well. If all that comes back normal, the specialist will likely want to run some other test. My OB told me last week that sometimes an answer is never found so we needed to prepare ourselves for that. I feel like there is a reason for all this but hate the thought of never knowing why this has happened three times now and may or may not continue to happen.
In previous post I have briefly mentioned that it took us awhile to conceive my son. For whatever reason it just took my body a few years to get its self "leveled" out hormonally wise so we are thinking something hormonally may be off again. I had my Progesterone levels check for the last two pregnancies and my levels were fine. I was put on Progesterone Suppositories for this most recent pregnancy as a "buffer" and was suppose to start Lovenox shots once a day had the pregnancy been viable. I am not sure if that's something we will do again if I get pregnant again.
Now the question of the day...when to try again? Should we wait until we do EVERY single test possible and then try again? What if everything comes back "normal"? Then what? Probability is still in our favor of having a healthy pregnancy either way but is it irresponsible to try again so soon after having three consecutive miscarriages?? The topic of adoption even came up last night. Both Shannon and I decided LOOOONG ago that we would adopt someday. We wanted to whether we had biological kids or not. It's just something we desired to do. Maybe it's that time? Maybe we start that process and see what happens otherwise with my fertility. We have even considered foster care but we were told that it's not recommended to have a child older than Samuel and it's very uncommon to get a child younger than two. I know it's important to be patient but we are ready to add to our family now.
I have a feeling that's one lesson God is trying to teach me here. Patience. But wasn't I patient for Samuel? We waited so long for him. It was so hard going cycle after cycle after cycle...not being pregnant. Watching everyone else around me be able to get pregnant with ease and carry their babies to term without complications. I will be forever grateful for the gift God gave us when he gave us Samuel. He is our whole world. He truly is our MIRACLE baby. I always said I would be happy with just one child...God just give me one child and I'll be happy. But why do I have this great desire now to have more? To have a big family? To give Samuel a baby sister or a baby brother? I try so hard but it won't go away. Even for Shannon who is hurting, he still wants it just as much.
I wish God would give me a sign. Tell me what to do. I know I could look at my miscarriages as a "sign" that it means it's time to quit. But I don't believe that because I see mother's everyday go through this and go on to have their healthy baby. Some women have 5+ miscarriages before they do. God what is the reasoning behind pregnancy loss? Especially recurrent pregnancy loss.
I am only a few days into this loss and all I can think about is trying again. I usually don't have this desire to TRY again until about three or so months later. About three months after we lost Matty, it hit me and three months after we lost the baby in September, it hit me again. I struggled a lot with anxiety after the loss in September. I was afraid of everything. Thankfully I didn't allow it to get out of control and through support of my family, I was able to get a hold of it without medicine. Yes, I still struggle some days but nothing like it was for those few weeks. The one thing most people don't realize about pregnancy loss, is that the innocence of pregnancy is GONE. You worry about each new pregnancy constantly. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. You never really get to relax and never get to enjoy being pregnant.
Hopefully over the course of the next several weeks we get some answers or at least able to make a decision that we feel is best for our family. Our hope is not to go through more losses but we know that it's a possibility. Praying and hoping for another MIRACLE baby <3
In previous post I have briefly mentioned that it took us awhile to conceive my son. For whatever reason it just took my body a few years to get its self "leveled" out hormonally wise so we are thinking something hormonally may be off again. I had my Progesterone levels check for the last two pregnancies and my levels were fine. I was put on Progesterone Suppositories for this most recent pregnancy as a "buffer" and was suppose to start Lovenox shots once a day had the pregnancy been viable. I am not sure if that's something we will do again if I get pregnant again.
Now the question of the day...when to try again? Should we wait until we do EVERY single test possible and then try again? What if everything comes back "normal"? Then what? Probability is still in our favor of having a healthy pregnancy either way but is it irresponsible to try again so soon after having three consecutive miscarriages?? The topic of adoption even came up last night. Both Shannon and I decided LOOOONG ago that we would adopt someday. We wanted to whether we had biological kids or not. It's just something we desired to do. Maybe it's that time? Maybe we start that process and see what happens otherwise with my fertility. We have even considered foster care but we were told that it's not recommended to have a child older than Samuel and it's very uncommon to get a child younger than two. I know it's important to be patient but we are ready to add to our family now.
I have a feeling that's one lesson God is trying to teach me here. Patience. But wasn't I patient for Samuel? We waited so long for him. It was so hard going cycle after cycle after cycle...not being pregnant. Watching everyone else around me be able to get pregnant with ease and carry their babies to term without complications. I will be forever grateful for the gift God gave us when he gave us Samuel. He is our whole world. He truly is our MIRACLE baby. I always said I would be happy with just one child...God just give me one child and I'll be happy. But why do I have this great desire now to have more? To have a big family? To give Samuel a baby sister or a baby brother? I try so hard but it won't go away. Even for Shannon who is hurting, he still wants it just as much.
I wish God would give me a sign. Tell me what to do. I know I could look at my miscarriages as a "sign" that it means it's time to quit. But I don't believe that because I see mother's everyday go through this and go on to have their healthy baby. Some women have 5+ miscarriages before they do. God what is the reasoning behind pregnancy loss? Especially recurrent pregnancy loss.
I am only a few days into this loss and all I can think about is trying again. I usually don't have this desire to TRY again until about three or so months later. About three months after we lost Matty, it hit me and three months after we lost the baby in September, it hit me again. I struggled a lot with anxiety after the loss in September. I was afraid of everything. Thankfully I didn't allow it to get out of control and through support of my family, I was able to get a hold of it without medicine. Yes, I still struggle some days but nothing like it was for those few weeks. The one thing most people don't realize about pregnancy loss, is that the innocence of pregnancy is GONE. You worry about each new pregnancy constantly. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you fall asleep. You never really get to relax and never get to enjoy being pregnant.
Hopefully over the course of the next several weeks we get some answers or at least able to make a decision that we feel is best for our family. Our hope is not to go through more losses but we know that it's a possibility. Praying and hoping for another MIRACLE baby <3
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Courage & Strength
It's hard to believe January will be a year since we started trying to have another baby. We never imagined the heartbreak we would have to endure nor did foresee losing three babies in an eight month period. Each pregnancy was a new life and a new hope. It was quickly shattered by yet another loss. Here we are at the beginning of our third loss, our third miscarriage, our third hope for a new baby...broken, lost and confused. Will our dream of having a second child together come true? Do we give up or do we not surrender until we have that baby? We are at a crossroads that we never expected to be at. Is God telling us something? How do we turn all the bad we have gone through this past year into something good?
I'm not willing to give up, even though everything is telling me that I should. I will not be defeated by this.
I remember looking at Shannon in September and telling him "I cannot go through this again, we are done. Do not let me convince you otherwise." I remember feeling so numb and feeling so sick. Here I am a week after I realized I was pregnant again and two days after I started miscarrying. I don't feel that way anymore. More than anything in the world I want our Rainbow baby. It scares me to death to think we may have to endure more losses before we will but I feel in my heart that with God's help and with courage and strength, we will achieve our dreams.
We have a long journey ahead of us. I haven't been really public about my loss in September or this loss now but feel that if I share our journey, that it may help someone else. I don't want others to feel like they are alone in this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through but I know it will make me stronger. It will make me a better wife and a better mother.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
--Thomas A. Edison
I'm not willing to give up, even though everything is telling me that I should. I will not be defeated by this.
I remember looking at Shannon in September and telling him "I cannot go through this again, we are done. Do not let me convince you otherwise." I remember feeling so numb and feeling so sick. Here I am a week after I realized I was pregnant again and two days after I started miscarrying. I don't feel that way anymore. More than anything in the world I want our Rainbow baby. It scares me to death to think we may have to endure more losses before we will but I feel in my heart that with God's help and with courage and strength, we will achieve our dreams.
We have a long journey ahead of us. I haven't been really public about my loss in September or this loss now but feel that if I share our journey, that it may help someone else. I don't want others to feel like they are alone in this. This is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through but I know it will make me stronger. It will make me a better wife and a better mother.
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
--Thomas A. Edison
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
A little history on how this day got started. In the late 1980's President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It wasn't until 2002 that the movement begin to designate a specific day to remember all those lost.
On this day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m., in all times zones, all around the world, to remember all the babies lost. The idea is that there will be a continuous wave of light all around the world on this day.
A few days ago I found a beautiful handmade candle holder at one of my favorite local shops, Ten Thousand Villages. I had planned to participate in Wave of Light but did not think once about using this new holder for it. I am so thankful I got it because it was perfect!
A little history on how this day got started. In the late 1980's President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It wasn't until 2002 that the movement begin to designate a specific day to remember all those lost.
On this day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m., in all times zones, all around the world, to remember all the babies lost. The idea is that there will be a continuous wave of light all around the world on this day.
A few days ago I found a beautiful handmade candle holder at one of my favorite local shops, Ten Thousand Villages. I had planned to participate in Wave of Light but did not think once about using this new holder for it. I am so thankful I got it because it was perfect!
Always remembering my angel babies
4.18.12 & 09.06.12
Friday, October 12, 2012
Feeling Encouraged
I probably should be in bed but wanted to write before getting there. I am feeling somewhat encouraged tonight. I met with a local Naturopathic Physician this afternoon and feel really good about what we talked about. I was somewhat skeptical about it but really feel this man knows what he is talking about. We are trying a combination of things to see if it helps with how I am feeling (natural herbs/supplements). Shannon said he already sees a difference in me. The doctor said it was possible to see a difference right away or possibly in a few days. I do feel better and I feel less discouraged then I did when I woke up this morning so something is definitely happening. I guess we will see over the course of the next several days. I have have had very little anxiousness all day. He also suggested that I hold off on surgery (to have gallbladder removed) because he strongly feels we can get things back to where it needs to be. I am 100% for NOT having surgery so I am willing to see what happens over the next several weeks and months.
I am so happy that we decided to try this route and I pray that it continues to be the right route for us. I would much rather go the most natural approach in treating anything.
Have a great night...
I am so happy that we decided to try this route and I pray that it continues to be the right route for us. I would much rather go the most natural approach in treating anything.
Have a great night...
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I've Lost my Balance
Sometimes things in our lives will knock us down and it's natural for us to try to get back up again. Since April, I have been constantly knocked down. I continued to find the strength to pull myself up after each thing that was happening in my life but have now gotten to the point where I can no longer find a place to pull strength from.
I have lost my balance and have been trying so hard to find it it again.
It's a little over a week until the 6 month anniversary of losing Matty and less than a month until Matty's due date. I think about Matty every single day. And hate that I can't talk about the babies that I have lost with others. I naturally miscarried my third pregnancy on September 6th and have been a mess since. I'm dealing with an immense amount of stress and still grieving the loss of both of my babies. Even though I was only pregnant a little over 5 weeks with this most recent pregnancy, we did decide to name this baby Lily. Lily was going to be our rainbow baby...I've also been dealing with the idea that I may never get to carry a child again, that I may never get to give Samuel the brother or sister I hoped to give him someday. I may never get to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen again or ever feel those kicks that I loved so much with Samuel. I've been dealing with many health issues that don't want to go away and living in fear as to what's going to happen next..
I saw a counselor yesterday as my first step to seek help but felt it was unsuccessful. I felt my wishes and concerns were disregarded and what was "important" to me wasn't treated as important. I left the office feeling worse than I did when I went in. I felt discouraged and unsure what the next step should be. I felt desperate to do whatever it took to find a way to get through it. I had two request when I went in:
1. I wanted to avoid medications at all cost. I was willing to do any/all the recommended "natural" ways to treat the anxiety I was dealing with.
2. I wanted to continue to nurse my son and did not want to be treated like I needed to wean him so I could take medication.
I did a ton of research today on natural approaches to treating anxiety and came across Naturopathic Medicine( http://www.naturopathic.org/ ) and decided that it might be the best approach for me. I found a Naturopathic Doctor near me and called him this afternoon. I told him a little bit about my situation and he told me that I have been through a lot of trauma in the last six months and he definitely feels that he can help me find that balance in my life again. I agreed to meet with him tomorrow morning. I am somewhat skeptical but I am much more willing to try this then medications. I have decided that writing helps me and that I need to continue to do it on a daily basis. I've also stirred away from my daily exercising but have recommitted myself to getting outside every day (whether it's cold or not) to get in some physical activity and fresh air.
I am also forcing myself to find something that I enjoy doing for myself. Neither Shannon or I do much for ourselves and I think that's important.
Last week Shannon and I finally placed the order for Matty's grave marker. It was hard but a great relief to finally do it. The man promised me to have it in by Matty's due date...November 7th. I have been having more and more gallstone attacks and met with my surgeon on Monday. I am still slightly on the fence about it but I think I've almost completely decided to have the surgery to remove my gallbladder. We went ahead and scheduled the surgery for November but was told I could reschedule/cancel it at any point. I think at this point, having it removed would be the best thing in the long run. The recurring attacks and the constant thought of having a surgery has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress though and I am ready to feel "normal" as far as all that goes.
Please keep the boys and I in your thoughts as we get through these difficult days together. I know we will come out stronger as a family but it's hard seeing that "light at the end of the tunnel" some days..
I have lost my balance and have been trying so hard to find it it again.
It's a little over a week until the 6 month anniversary of losing Matty and less than a month until Matty's due date. I think about Matty every single day. And hate that I can't talk about the babies that I have lost with others. I naturally miscarried my third pregnancy on September 6th and have been a mess since. I'm dealing with an immense amount of stress and still grieving the loss of both of my babies. Even though I was only pregnant a little over 5 weeks with this most recent pregnancy, we did decide to name this baby Lily. Lily was going to be our rainbow baby...I've also been dealing with the idea that I may never get to carry a child again, that I may never get to give Samuel the brother or sister I hoped to give him someday. I may never get to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen again or ever feel those kicks that I loved so much with Samuel. I've been dealing with many health issues that don't want to go away and living in fear as to what's going to happen next..
I saw a counselor yesterday as my first step to seek help but felt it was unsuccessful. I felt my wishes and concerns were disregarded and what was "important" to me wasn't treated as important. I left the office feeling worse than I did when I went in. I felt discouraged and unsure what the next step should be. I felt desperate to do whatever it took to find a way to get through it. I had two request when I went in:
1. I wanted to avoid medications at all cost. I was willing to do any/all the recommended "natural" ways to treat the anxiety I was dealing with.
2. I wanted to continue to nurse my son and did not want to be treated like I needed to wean him so I could take medication.
I did a ton of research today on natural approaches to treating anxiety and came across Naturopathic Medicine( http://www.naturopathic.org/ ) and decided that it might be the best approach for me. I found a Naturopathic Doctor near me and called him this afternoon. I told him a little bit about my situation and he told me that I have been through a lot of trauma in the last six months and he definitely feels that he can help me find that balance in my life again. I agreed to meet with him tomorrow morning. I am somewhat skeptical but I am much more willing to try this then medications. I have decided that writing helps me and that I need to continue to do it on a daily basis. I've also stirred away from my daily exercising but have recommitted myself to getting outside every day (whether it's cold or not) to get in some physical activity and fresh air.
I am also forcing myself to find something that I enjoy doing for myself. Neither Shannon or I do much for ourselves and I think that's important.
Last week Shannon and I finally placed the order for Matty's grave marker. It was hard but a great relief to finally do it. The man promised me to have it in by Matty's due date...November 7th. I have been having more and more gallstone attacks and met with my surgeon on Monday. I am still slightly on the fence about it but I think I've almost completely decided to have the surgery to remove my gallbladder. We went ahead and scheduled the surgery for November but was told I could reschedule/cancel it at any point. I think at this point, having it removed would be the best thing in the long run. The recurring attacks and the constant thought of having a surgery has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress though and I am ready to feel "normal" as far as all that goes.
Please keep the boys and I in your thoughts as we get through these difficult days together. I know we will come out stronger as a family but it's hard seeing that "light at the end of the tunnel" some days..
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